Roller Coaster

I hate that IF is a huge roller coaster! One day I am very optimistic, the next very pessimistic.

Last week my sister backed out. She has too many reservations and has decided not to be our egg donor. I am not going to lie this was a huge blow for me! I thought this was our answer to bring us our take home baby. I am not mad that she changed her mind, just heartbroken. Again, I am feeling like we are so far away from having a Mindy and Whistler baby. I feel that using my sister's eggs was the closest we were going to get. I will continue to be on a TTC break throughout the holidays, and will most likely give IVF one more try with my eggs in the spring. It has to work! I have no other option, but for it to work!!!

I have tried things that I never imagined I would try to help us achieve pregnancy. I take a sh!t load of supplements to improve egg quality, such as wheat grass, coq10, multivitamin, etc. I have been going to acupuncture. I find acupuncture surprisingly relaxing. I have tried reflexology, only once, I'm not sure if this one is for me. Most recently I had a Reiki session, and loved it! I have no idea if any of these alternative medicines will help us conceive, but I am willing to try anything, if it does not harm me in anyway. More than anything I have been trying to stay busy and not obsess, which is not an easy task!

Things I have been doing to try to keep my mind busy...

·  Meeting my nieces and nephew. In the last few weeks/months I have celebrated the birth of my sister’s son, and both of my SIL's daughters. They are all so different and beautiful. I pray every day Whistler and I will be able to experience this!

·  Applying for graduate school. I want to be a nurse practitioner, so I am taking steps for this dream to become a reality.

·  Working. I love my job; I love taking care of patients; there is nothing more fulfilling then watching a critically ill patient go from death's door step, to walking out the hospital doors, to enjoy life with their families.

·  Snowboarding! My favorite pastime. The resorts open this Thursday; I will be going up Monday with a few of my good friends!

I am not going to ever give up on my goal of being a mom! My next IVF will work!!!

re-defining what is means to be a mom...

As some of you may know my ET went very bad.  Only one egg retrieved.  I was initially told that the egg was immature, later at my WTF appt. it was disclosed that my egg was dead :(

It has been a difficult few weeks, which is why I haven’t updated.  Throughout this process I have always considered DE from my sister.  With this last failed cycle she offered to be my donor!  Of course I have my reservations, but DH and I have been seriously considering this as an option. 

I’m truly heartbroken I have not been successful at this point with my OE’s, and would love to continue to cycle with my OE’s.  My RE is still very optimistic I will get knocked up using my eggs, it’s will be a difficult road, it may not happen with my next cycle, etc. 

I have been very tearful when thinking that I may never have a child using my OE’s that I will not be my baby’s biological mom, even if I carry the baby myself.  I am giving myself the time to re-define what it means to be a mother.  There are many definitions, I just need to open my mind and re-define it for myself!

While I would really want to give my body another shot at this, the idea of having another failed cycle scares the living crap out of me.  My chances with my sister’s eggs are so much higher.  Genetically she is very similar, and growing up everyone thought we were twins, (which I think is crazy, because I do not believe we look that alike). 

DH and I have decided to take a break.  I have one more cycle in our package and we will tentatively cycle in March, I’m just not sure if it will be mine or my sister’s egg’s, however I am leaning towards her eggs.   

My Lucky Cycle

I know this is my lucky cycle!!!  Contrary to what a psychic told me.  This is why I am going to prove her wrong.  So many other events tell me this is our lucky cycle!!!  I was not sure how I would pay for my meds and I received a huge donation of meds saving me $2,500.  I was going to pull out a new credit card to cover the cost of meds, and I was blessed to not have to do this. 

I have also been blessed with not having trouble getting my shifts covered.  I love my co-workers and it seems they want this to happen as much as DH and I want this to happen.

My first follicle check was Monday.  I have one promising follicle and a few smaller ones as well.  Tomorrow will be my second check.  Please send good vibes, pray or whatever you do.  I can't wait for everyone to meet my baby in 9 months. :)

My money tree

Between my husband having the worst teeth in the world and every time he goes to the dentist he needs a root canal or a crown, and the cost of medications for IVF I have been joking that I need a money tree to my family and friends. Now I’m feeling a little guilty. A very close friend of mine, which I think of her as a sister, gave DH and I money to help pay for our meds this cycle, as a gift!

I tried to decline, but she wouldn't have it. She said that she is financially doing very well and really wants to help us out as much as she can. I cried!!! She is such an amazing friend! I cannot express how grateful I am for this gift.

IVF 2.2 here we come!!! I feel that this is our lucky cycle. Things seem to be falling into place perfectly :)

IVF# 2 take 2

IVF #2 was officially cancelled since I did not respond to meds.  My WTF appt. was yesterday and we have decided to move onto IVF2.2!

My RE is removing both BCP's and ganilrex from my protocol in attempt of a better response. I will continue with Estrogen priming and Follistim. I will be on a lower dose of follistim since I will not have any suppressants this cycle.

It looks like I will be cycling again in Sept. I will call when AF arrives and I will receive my calendar at that time. I hope this is the magic protocol for our BFP.

Wishing upon a star

I drove to Las Vegas this time round.  The drive was an amazing 6 hrs.  I had worked my 12 hr shift, left work and drove straight to my Aunt's house.  I arrived at 1 A.M Vegas time.  I had expected the drive to be painful, but it was just the opposite.  While driving I did not have the hot sun beating down on me or my car.  

I have decided that driving under the stars is 2nd best to sleeping under the stars.  I had the beautiful night sky, stars and the moon shining through my window.  I even saw a shooting star, which of course I made a wish on!!  I am holding onto my wish, I know my wish will come true.  Even though my monitoring appt. sucked.

Monday Morning I had my first monitoring appt.  It could have not been any worse!!!  I had no measurable follicles, only some small ones. I'm so pissed!!! I have cried and cried.  I just do not know why.  Why can't it be my turn???  The Dr. has given it a few days to see if anything starts to look promising. I have another u/s tomorrow, If my follicles do not show there face at the party I will be canceled. 

I want to blame DH for telling the DR. that we were tight on money, ultimately resulting in a less aggressive protocol. I know I shouldn't blame him, because in the end the physician said he didn't feel the more aggressive protocol was helpful with ivf #1. The dr. said that he still has the opinion the more aggressive would not have made an difference.  I have questioned the change in the protocol from the start.  I was very apprehensive, so much so I emailed my RE questioning the protocol and he assured me it wouldn't make a difference.   

To me, the Registered Nurse, is looking at it more simply I suppose.  The more aggressive protocol I made 2 follicles, the less aggressive protocol I have not made any. It seems clear to me the protocol MADE A DIFFERENCE!!!

I am holding onto my wish.  I can't help but quote the lyrics to one of my favorite songs.  "Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high, and the dreams that you dreamed of, Once in a lullaby.  Oh, somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, and the dreams that you dreamed of, Dreams really do come true"

Acupuncturist vent!

I am very annoyed.  I have been searching for an acupuncturist to see while I am in Las Vegas this time round.  I found this lady who seemed to be amazing, expensive, but amazing.  I came across her online and contacted her, in addition to a few other acupuncturists.

She sent the most enthusiastic email back, describing her practice, acupuncture for 1.5 hrs on both front and back in addition to massage therapy for $100.  I thought, hmm $100 is kind of pricey, but then really started thinking about the massage alone.  If I get a hr. massage in UT it's a minimum of $90 + tip.  At that point I decided she is the one.

I emailed her back last night to see if I could set up an appt.  Well.... she is effing out of town those two weeks.  I am very disappointed, and sad.

I guess this is a sign.  I really do not have the money for $100 each session.  I will be on search again.  I hope I find someone equally amazing for less money.

My Positive thinking wall and AFC :)

Here is a pic of my positive thinking wall!  I stole a quote from fellow IF's blog, who is now pregnant and I included it on my wall.  It says:

"Transform anxiety into excitement; focus not on the fear of what lies ahead, but the possibility of what you might create!!!"

I am very happy to announce that my AFC via my baseline u/s is 5 :)
Four follicles on my right ovary and one on my left.  I am optimistic all five follicles will respond to meds.  GO Ovaries!!!

AF, Oh where oh where can you be?

Seriously!  My last bcp was 5 days ago.  I'm starting to get nervous my cycle will be cancelled if the stupid whore doesn't show up soon!

I have found coverage for my shifts at the hospital and I am starting to get excited for IVF #2.  I have started putting together a positive thinking board.  I have included a pic of a beautiful ovary with pretty follicles, and a  perfect day three embryo, a pic of my younger sister's beautiful baby, and her family.  I will have these things in my life.  DH and I will have a family of our own!

If something as small as AF not showing up, and it gets in the way of our goals I will be extremely disappointed!

Calendar for IVF#2 in hand

I received my calendar for IVF # 2 today.  Hooray!!!  I have been a bit apprehensive about the new protocol, which is a less aggressive protocol than last time.  However, I spoke with my nurse and she put me at ease that some people actually respond better and have better egg quality with a less aggressive protocol.  Looks like my probable retrieval will be Aug 12.  with a probable transfer Aug 15th.  I'm not counting on those specific dates, but very exciting non-the-less.

IVF#2= Aug

I had my WTF apt the other day.  We discussed the good and the bad results of our cycle.

The Good:  DH has normal sperm; both of my eggs fertilized well with icsi, and they developed into embryo that looked "good"  on day 3.

The Bad:  I responded poorly, but it was expected; I did not get pregnant.

Our RE felt the reason it didn't work was because there must have been something genetically abnormal with the embryo.  He said that we should cycle again sooner than later, so my eggs do not get "stale" (WTF is that suppose to mean?) and suggested cycling again in Aug.

DH really wants to cycle in August since the RE suggested we do so.  The RE mentioned that I will be on the same protocol minus the Lupron and lowing the dose of stims.  I have some concerns that they are decreasing the dose of stims to save us money on the medication costs, so I will be addressing this before I start my.  I am also going to ask about AH, who knows maybe this will help us achieve our goal of having a sticky, take home baby.

I was also worried abt taking time off, because I have a few co-workers who are doing a humanitarian project in Peru during the same time.  I was able to coverage for my shifts!!!  I am anxious, but excited to move forward with our new plan :)

Bring on the BCP!!!

IVF #1 BFN and reflection

My first Beta came back at a whopping 2.  The second came back Negative.  I have been sad, especially the last two days since AF decided to arrive with a vengeance.  It has also been especially difficult because my younger sister gave birth to her first baby on June 25th, three days before my BFN.

Although our first IVF did not work out I experienced a lot of positive things during the whole IVF process.  I knew from the beginning I would not produce many follicles, but I felt positive about the quality for one of the eggs I produced and transferred on day 3.  It was an 8 cell with a Graduated Embryo Scoring of 95 (anything over 70 is good).   Our WTF appt (appt regarding why it didn't work), will be on Tues July 5th.  I am very interested in Dr. Fisch's thoughts and I hope our new plan moving forward will result in our BFP.

DH and I are very grateful we were able to stay with my Aunt Lori's and her husband in Las Vegas.  Since I can remember she has always lived in Southern, Ut.   When she met her husband Michael she moved to Las Vegas, which was about five years ago.  I have never been super close to her or my cousins because they have always lived about 6 hrs from Salt Lake.  I am so grateful we were able to stay with her.  We are now much closer and we able to reminisce on so many memories!  

DH and I are very lucky that we were able to spend time with her, her husband Michael and my cousin Amber, her girls and new baby boy.  My Aunt Lori is beautiful and an amazing person.  She is very positive and a fun person to be around.  Here are a few pics of our trip to Las Vegas :)

This is myself, Aunt Lori, and my cousins son 

Here is a pic of my cousins daughters

2WW Hell

Today is 3dp3dt.  I can't help but let my mind play tricks on me.  1dp3dt I had a little pink spotting.  I freaked out a bit, even though my discharge papers and the RE told me it is very common to have spotting.

Yesterday 2dp3dt I had some cramping, and twinges.  I thought that it was awesome maybe implantation is taking place.   I will have my happy ending after all.

Today I feel nothing.  No cramping, no spotting, just pure nothingness.  I really hope its a good sign, but seriously, this is the worst feeling ever.  I want to feel like something is happening.

DH has been super cute.  He has been waiting on me hand and foot.  I have seriously been the biggest couch potato.  Maybe I will unpack our suitcases today from our boring, but eventful Vegas trip to keep my mind off of things.

I need to remember that WE will have OUR happy ending and DH will find out very soon that we are expecting!!!

Knocked up until proven otherwise

We transferred both embryos.  One is a grade 2, 8 cell embryo with a ges score of 95 (the clinic prefers a ges score >70), the other is a grade 2, 7 cell embryo with a ges score of 35.

We are very excited we have made it this far!  Now the dreaded 2WW.   I'm not sure if it will be worse on me or DH.  Stick little embies stick, snuggle in nice and tight!!! 

I wore my lucky socks that my friend Vanessagorc sent me, and I had my lucky turtle charm in hand that Bear gave me before I headed to Las Vegas :) 

Here are our embies

Hooray for two!!!!

Two embies!!!  

I cannot believe it.  Both eggs fertilized normally!!!  I am beyond ecstatic.  

Who knew I would be so excited for two embies?  Now I'm keeping the faith they will both make it until Friday for our three day transfer. 

DH has had a huge smile on his face all day.  I can't believe how excited this had made both of us. 

Grow embies, grow, keep fighting, stay strong and make it to transfer on Friday!!!

Home from ER

DH makes me laugh so hard.  Every time we have gone in for an iui he has updated his FB status as "it's magic time."  Well today he updated it as "so it's magic time and they let me film some of the procedure." with this link.  It is so effing funny.  


So they retrieved two eggs. There was a third that they were unable to retrieve.

The Dr. will call tomorrow with my fert report.  I'm trying to stay hopeful the two retrieved fertilize normally and become my miracle baby(s).

Please send positive vibes that we have two rockstars!  

Rock Star Follicle

Yesterday I had my 4^th monitoring appt.  The Follicle on the Left was 20mm :)

The two on the right have not grown, so one follie was still 10mm, the other 12mm.  The MD felt we needed to move forward, so they had me trigger last night.  Tomorrow I will go in for my ER.  

I am still holding out hope the smaller follicles will surprise us and they will be mature, if not I will have one rock star.  Either way I have a good feeling the fatty follicle on the right will be A+ quality :)

Power of positive thought & monitoring apt# 2

The other night I watched The Secret with my Aunt Lori Gayle and her husband Michael.  This is a film/documentary discusses the Power of optimism, using the “law of attraction.”  My understanding is you place a thought in your mind of something you want to happen to you, such as being a millionaire, and if you like positively about it, you will “attract it” and it will come to you.  On the other had, if you have negative feelings toward something the “law of attraction” will bring those negative things into your life, such as “I will never…” or “I can’t…”   

So, I will do my very best to remain positive from this day forward.  I KNOW deep in my heart I will be a mom.  I will get knocked up with my OE!!!

Today’s u/s…My lining is perfect. I have 2 follies on the right ovary which are less than 10 mm (they have not grown since Monday). The Dr. does not think they will catch up. My Left ovary has one follicle that is 14mm (the only potential egg). At this point my cycle will not be canceled, so we are moving forward and I have another u/s on Sat.  ER is tentatively scheduled for Monday or Tues. I’m excited for my one miracle, rock star follicle, and I am hoping for a huge miracle that the smaller ones will catch up :)

Viva Las Vegas and my u/s

I arrived in Las Vegas last night.  I have already had an amazing time hanging out with my awesome Aunt Lori Gail.  She is an amazing person and I am so happy I have this time I can spend with her while going through this horrible IVF process.  We were able to lay out at the pool today after my u/s and catch up.

As for my u/s, my lining is 10.5.  My right ovary has 2 follies, which are both less than 10 mm. My Left ovary has 1 follicle that is about 9 mm's and a few small ones follicles hanging out around 5 mm's. I will stim for a few more days, and then I will have another u/s Thurs. This is not the best news.  I was hoping for few more follies, but things are coming along slowly.

I need to remind myself that is not the quantity of follicles, but the quality.  Many women have successful pregnancies with only a few eggs!  It only takes one!!!  As one of my bump friends has said we will fall 100% into the 25-30% success rate category for DOR :)

Medication protocol and stimulants

I am on the agonist/antagonist conversion protocol with estrogen priming. I have been on the stim phase for 3 days now. I have been comparing the way I feel to my last iui with injectables. I know I shouldn't but I have.

When I was on the follistim injections my ovaries ached, and so far nothing.  No pain!! I hope this is a good sign. I don't want to read into it too much, I hope my little ovaries are being little work horses. Oh well, only time will tell.

Sunday I fly out to Vegas for a u/s to see how my ovaries are responding. I will just have to keep my fingers crossed until then.

Meds

I just want to share this picture of my IVF medications.  This is hopefully what it will take for DH and I to have a little one(s)

Financing

DH and I had a few options we were looking into for financing IVF unsecured personal loans, credit cards, etc.

On March 22, 2011 I went into my credit union to inquire about a personal loan. The loan officer stated that we would not be able to borrow more than $10K (which I was expecting).She also stated that our minimum interest rate would be around 13.6%.I was expecting a high interest rate, especially since I was asking about an unsecured loan, but I was not expecting it to be that high.

I told her that 13.6% would not work for us, since we had a credit card with a rate of 12.8%.When I was about to leave, she started to get creative. She remembered that our car loans were through them. She pulled our file, looked up the value of are cars and compared them to what we owed. Between the two vehicles we had $18K “equity.”

So we consolidated the two loans and we’re pulling the equity out of our vehicles. It will be a 4 yr loan, and our total car payments will be less than what we are paying now, with an interest rate of 3.14%.I didn’t even know you could pull equity out of your vehicles. The best part is this gives us enough to pay for our IVF! We closed on our loan Monday March 28th.Hooray!!!

Yet another RE consult

After exploring our options and learning about a website http://www.sart.org/ I found that Utah just does not have the experience with DOR women. I learned from the ladies on the Bump that SIRM (Las Vegas) and also CCRM (in Denver) had high success rates for IVF and also with DOR.

I figured WTH I'm getting consults. I scheduled my consult with CCRM first, but I took 6 weeks to get a phone consultation with them. SIRM in Las Vegas I had my consult within a week of calling.

DH came home early from work to sit in on our consult. At that time he was not feeling any optimism that I we should get any different information than what we received form the clinics here in Utah.

Our consult went very well. Dr. Fisch was very optimistic. He stated that since I was young he felt that I had a very good chance (25-30%) he could help us get pregnant. He was not as concerned about my lab values or my AFC. He said that those numbers just tell him how much "gas" he needs to give to help stimulate my ovaries in making eggs. He said it would not be easy, but he could help us.  

After our phone consult with SIRM, DH stated that his mind had completely changed regarding IVF. Prior to our appt he was leaning toward IVF using my sister’s eggs or adoption. He now felt that trying IVF with my OE was worth the try.

After my consult with SIRM DH and I felt very good about canceling our consult with CCRM and moving forward with IVF in Las Vegas.

New RE

DH and I set up a consult with the new RE. I like his bedside manner, but he was not very optimistic he could help us. He suggested trying another IUI with Femara and injectables. At that time he also suggested I have my AMH and FSH redrawn, and in June of 2010 we had IUI#2. Again we got a BFN. 

At our WTF I found out that my AMH had dropped to <0.08 and my FSH was 14. Not only was I not pregnant, my ovarian reserve had faded to almost nothing. We couldn't believe it. He suggested moving forward with IVF, but paying 100% out of pocket and the funds were just not there. The RE was optimistic that I had a sister and suggested that she donate her eggs to me. 

I like his idea of getting a DE form my sister, but the timing was just not right for either one of us.

IF Message boards

After my first failed IUI I felt there had to be more resources out there, but I wasn't sure where to find them. One of my days of obsessing, I was online and I ran across an IF message board. I posted my story and asked a few questions. I was amazed at all the information the ladies were able to provide.


I learned that clomid is not the first choice of treatment for DOR, and although I have DOR with the right RE I should be able to get knocked up. So I looked into other RE in our area and found that there was another clinic not too far from where I live.

First RE APPT

My first RE appt. I received news that I wasn't expecting. I had a u/s and he was looking at my AFC, and he said "how old are you?" I replied 29. "You do not have very many eggs." I was shocked! Really I am only 29, I have to have eggs!?   He suggested more blood work, including my AMH (ovarian reserve) and a repeat FSH. My AMH came back at 0.5 (anything over 1.0 is normal). My FSH came back at 15.1 (normal= <9). I was in complete shock. I did as much research online research as possible, which only made me feel more loss.

At that time he suggested I trying an iui. So on Dec. 24th 2009 IUI #1 was completed. Two weeks later I POAS and I saw a stark white pee stick. I was devastated. Although I did not have a ton of hope, I did wish for more than anything to get my BFP, but it just wasn't our luck.

At my WTF appt (appt abt why the iui did not work) the Re suggested DE. I was so mad. Really DE?  I am 29 years old; I have to have an egg that will support a pregnancy. I told him that DE was not an option and I wanted to continue to try with my own eggs. So our plan was to attempt another iui.  When I went to for my u/s for iui #2 I had already ovulated. I was only on day 11 of my cycle. At that time the RE stated that I should just save my money and come back when we were ready for IVF. He highly recommended DE. He sent me on my way with a yrs RX of clomid. This was not o.k. with me.

Up to speed

 
Our story is a long one, but I do not want to leave out any details. I will break up the posts hopefully making it easier to read.

I DH and I met right before I graduated high school. We started seriously dating in 2000, and we married in June of 2003. I went to nursing school and graduated with an Associate of Applied Science in 2006. In 2007 I went on and graduated with my Bachelorette in Science in Nursing. 

At this time DH and I felt it would be a good time to TTC. It should be easy right?  I have come from a very fertile family.   I have no idea why, but after a few months I felt that something was not right. I went to my OB she ran some simple blood tests, everything checked out o.k. But it didn't make sense to me why it wasn't happening. 

So I waited a year, and still nothing. I had an HSG, more b/w and DH's S/A checked, everything seemed to be normal. My OB started me on clomid, but after a few months still nothing. I called my OB to ask a few questions, her medical assistant called me back with a snarky reply from my OB saying if I didn't trust her course of action and if I wanted to know more information I should go see a RE. So I did, and I also changed my OB as well