A Very Overdue Update

I have to apologize.  It was never my intention to abandon my blog.  I can make excuses all day long, but in reality, I've been nervous I would jinx things, so I backed off from blogging.  Weird, right? Blogging, getting excited, etc. will not jinx things.

For those that do not know me in real life, I have some exciting news for you, or should I say our four legged babies have exciting news for you!

My official due date is in January, but we have been told that we will have our little ones in December.

Again. I apologize I skipped all updates my entire first trimester.  Today marks 17 weeks.  I am almost half baked!!  Below are a few fun facts about my pregnancy journey so far...

Weight:

Up 15 pounds.  The goal is to gain 45 to 50 pounds.  Those numbers are really overwhelming to me, but healthy babies are the priority.  That being said, I'm right on track. 

(Don't mind the wet hair, or terrible outfit)

Here is my 17 week bump

    Size of Babies:

They are about the size of turnips.

Symptoms:

The first trimester was a little rough with "morning sickness."  Nausea was most the day, vomiting always at night.  This week has been better.  I've had some close calls, but I've only been nauseous.  The thing about "morning sickness"  is, as miserable as it can be, it's the most reassuring symptom for a pregnant woman, well at least for me. 

I've also has some acid reflux and heartburn, but it's very manageable.

Back pain is beginning, I'll just have to have DH give me nightly back massages :)

I swear I can feel them moving/kicking.  It's intermittent and amazing!   

Food Cravings/Adversions: 

I have not had any cravings to speak of, but Sprite is a staple drink.  I almost have one at all times.  It has helped me tremendously with nausea.  Adversions~ I never thought this would be a problem in my life, but even the thought of drinking coffee makes me sick.  Who knew this coffee lover would be unable to drink it.  I also have to add eggs, and most animal protein to that list.  

Nearby plans/preparation:

We have been waiting to begin working on our nursery, in addition to purchasing anything until we know the official genders of our babies.  We have a good idea of the genders at this point, but we want to be sure.  

Excited for:

Our Anatomy scan is in three weeks.  Thereafter we will be having a gender reveal party for our families.  We can't wait to share our little ones genders with our families and begin to start working on the nursery.  

~~~BFP Warning~~~

For those who have been anxiously waiting for my beta hcg results, I apologize.  I've just been so overwhelmed with excitement, I have been having a difficult time coming up with the words to write.  

For those that do not understand or know what a Beta HCG tests is, I will do my best explaining.  A beta HCG is a quantitative number that tells you and your doctor a number of how much pregnancy hormone is in a persons body.  This number is expected to double at least every 48-72 hours.  

I've learned, and maybe it's just a coincidence, when my clinic has bad news to deliever my Reproductive Endocrinologist calls.  So I knew it had to be good news when it was my nurse/donor coordinator on the other end of the line. She is amazing.  She is so sweet, kind, and soft spoken.  I wish I could be more like her.  Anyway, she said with her soft voice...

"Mindy, we are looking for your Beta HCG to be greater than 100.

Your beta is 1360."

In my disbelief, I am sure I asked her to repeat it like 12 times.  To preface this, I have NEVER had a strong Beta.  I have NEVER had one double.  Two days later I had another blood draw.  This time, I think it was a medical assistant on the other end.  

"Mindy, your beta today is 2870.  Dr. G said it's a great rise, we can schedule you for your 7 week ultrasound."

I scheduled my ultrasound, just a few days shy of 7 weeks.  But then again in disbelief I had one more blood draw.  This blood draw was a week after Beta #2.  This time it was my sweet nurse on the other end.

"Mindy, have you had a chance to look up your beta online?"

"Yes, 19,576"

"Mindy, it is a beautiful rise..."  

"I will not be in the satellite office on May 22nd, but I will be stalking the computer for your ultrasound results!"

I am in my own personal uncharted territory.  My beta had a doubling time of 43.3 hours.  Right where it needs to be.  I cannot believe that I, Mindy, am pregnant.  

I am going to make my husband a father. 

He has been cautiously optimistic, especially since our last failed embryo transfer.  

I have to aw at my husband for a second.  He is getting excited.  A few days ago he did have an "oh shit" moment where he and I talked about how real this is.  Fast forward to today...  He texted me with two names.  He had a dream and he said that this is what the babies want to be named.  (He's convinced we are having two).  Although I did not love, well even really like one of the names, I think it's adorable that he is dreaming about this pregnancy.  He is getting excited.  

My Heart Is Happy!!  

Transfer Day… Overwhelming Love and Support

Yesterday was a BIG DAY.  

The perfect day.  

Much like our wedding day.  

Overcast in the morning, rain in the afternoon, and the sun came out in the evening for a wonderful celebration!! 

I took the day off from work, because I knew that I would be worthless.  There was no way I’d be able to concentrate on work.  So I spent much of my day mentally prepping for the transfer.  I spent a good portion of my morning reading positive text messages, emails, and Facebook posts on my behalf from my IF sisters, friends and family. 

TMI warning- I was in much need for a wax, so I rescheduled my apt at the end of the month and took care of my legs and unmentionables.  Went to the grocery store and bought several different nail polishes and created my first masterpiece. LOL

W got ready.  He look so good. Suit Jacket, with new Levi’s and his Kango hat, me the nicest yoga pants I own and a niceish blouse, wearing all my lucky charms, and lucky Water cup in hand! Then it was time.  Our 35 minute drive to the clinic.  Once we got there I had my pre-transfer acupuncture treatment. And then our transfer.

Dr. G came into the room, and she gave us our embryo report, asked if we would like to transfer one or two embryos.  She is a HUGE Proponent for elective single embryo transfers (eSet).  She discussed the risks of transferring two.  I looked up at W and said “are you still okay if we transfer two?” He said yes! 

This is a very personal decision!!  There are pros and cons to both transferring one vs two embryos.  In the future I will write about the pros and cons and why we made the decision that we did.  But that is a different conversation. 

We transferred two beautiful embryos high quality embryos (graded AA and AB). 

After the transfer, then comes the hard part.  Laying in place for 20 minutes with a FULL BLADDER.  It is the worst.  I just lay there and hope that I do not pee myself before the 20 minutes are up. 

For those curious, I did not have an accident.  For me, it’s the worst part of the embryo transfer!!

After all was said and done I had my post-transfer acupuncture.  It was amazing.  I had W pull up the song we played as I walked down the aisle at our Wedding (Cannon in D).  I absolutely love that song.  We talked and spent this time enjoying each other’s company.  It was such an amazing day.  

My acupuncturist asked us how long we have been married, because she through we acted like newlyweds.  That is such a compliment considering we were married in 2003. 

The staff at my clinic is amazing.  They are all rooting for us.  My RE and donor coordinator both said that it’s our turn and we have a really good shot at this working.   

W made me a cup of caffeine-free mint tea when the acupuncture treatment was over, for the ride home.  I had my discharge teaching.

We left the clinic drove home in evening traffic.  

What did we return home to?? 

My parents and my Uncle M were here.  My house was cleaned, lawn mowed and dinner ready.  With a beautiful bouquet my sister had sent to my house.  They wanted to make sure that I lay on the couch all weekend worry free, allowing your embryos the prefect chance to snuggle in for the next 9 months!!

This was the perfect ending to the perfect day!! 

Anxiety Setting In… Reminders Everywhere That I Am Not Alone

The Ups and Downs of cycling are moment by moment.  I wish I could articulate the emotions I’m feeling.  Yesterday was amazing, so much love and support!  I logged into my Facebook page to find the above picture sent me from my beautiful sister and her family!! There are no words to express how happy this made me feel.  Overwhelming love! 

This love has bled into today.  I needed this love and support today.  Fertilization report day.  This is an overwhelming, very stressful day.  I was glued to my phone.  This was not a phone call I was willing to miss.  How many eggs were mature?  How many fertilized?  Will I be pleased?  Will I have good news to share with my husband, my family and friends? 

Today, A BIG DAY.

At 9:46 AM my phone rang.  Embryologist on the other end introduced himself and graciously told me the numbers. 

26 eggs mature

21 fertilized

We have 21 precious embryos. 

One, maybe two will one day be in our arms.  Our Babies!

And then PTSD began to set in.  Only 26 out of 44 were mature?  How can that be?  I was expecting a higher percentage of mature eggs.  The ironic thing is, when I cycled with my own eggs, my ideal number of embryos has always been 5. A very good friend reminded of me of this today.  As of this morning we have 4 times my “ideal” number.

We have 21 embies, growing and thriving.  Logically I know it’s ridiculous to be disappointed with 21.  I kept going back to our previous donor egg cycle.  We had a large number of embryos to start with and when all was said and done, we were only left with one embryo suitable for transfer.

After being talked off the ledge from my Infertility sisters, I talked with my donor coordinator and she provided me with some prospective of “normal” Donor Egg cycles.  Our last cycle was not normal.  We were dealing with an additional factor that can make or break a cycle.  Balanced Translocation.  We have removed this factor.  We do not have to worry about this time. 

Another friend was able to help me understand that what I was feeling is not completely abnormal.  She said that I have every reason to be scared after everything I've been through.  I will continue to be nervous until they put that baby/babies in my arms. She said that she was sorry that I have been robbed of the carefree "let's make a baby" that other couples get. 

She is absolutely right, and is exactly what I needed to hear.  I have so much support from my friends, family and husband. 

I know everything is going to be alright.

Even when I’m being irrational, I am not alone.

You are not alone!!

1 in 8, Supported by Many

Today is a perfect example of feeling love from amazing, supportive, hopeful women that are also in the midst of infertility. 

Many of these women have found success after infertility, but the pain of infertility never goes away.  I have seen it sneak into these women’s lives even after they have birthed children.  And many of my dear friends are still in the trenches.  These are women I have “known” for years.  Many of which I have never met in real life, and yet they are my sisters.  It’s a community of women that I have seen come together in times of need, loss, love, good times and bad, supporting each other in so many ways.  It is absolutely amazing what we can do as a group of women, even though we are from different worlds, cultures, generations, States, Countries and we have never met.

Infertility is a rollercoaster.  One that I wish that no one would ever have to get on.  At times it is has been isolating, lonely, and is a result of the lowest times I’ve ever had in my life.  I know that I have said this before.  Hands down Infertility has been the greatest struggle I have ever had to endure.  My mental health, at times, has never been lower.  This includes the loss of my older brother, which was devastating. 

Today is a prime example that I am not alone. 

You Are Not Alone

Through all our struggles I have had a place to turn.  A place to vent, cry and celebrate.  With my sisters!!

My phone today has been getting blown up.  Texts, emails, calls.  It’s awesome.  It kind of reminds me of the late 90’s and carrying a pager.  Receiving page after page to learn where the next best party was going to take place :)  This is SO MUCH BETTER!!!

On the various, secret Facebook pages and public online infertility forums I’m a member of were also full of love, and support.  It is incredible. Wishing us luck and asking about my donor’s egg retrieval, sending love to our egg donor, that she has a smooth recovery, asking if I have heard any news of how many eggs have been retrieved.

   

For those anxiously waiting for me to spit it out, I did hear an update on my donor’s retrieval.  Are you all ready for this?  Drum roll please…….

Forty-four eggs

That is right Forty-four eggs have been retrieved

That is twenty-two times better than my “best cycle” with my own eggs

I have had all my girls by my side rooting for me, us, and our future children. 

Thank You!!

Today I am not alone

Others still battling with infertility, no matter where you are on the infertility spectrum, never forget..

You are not alone.

You are 1 in 8, supported by so many!

~~~HCG/Lupron Trigger~~~

Where has the time gone?  Life has been so busy that I have failed to continue to update throughout this cycle. This cycle feels so much different than my previous ones.  I'm in a better place.  That does not mean I haven't had moments of irrational thoughts; I know anxiety and being irrational at times is inevitable when you have been through what we have been through!!

For those that are interested here are the cliff notes of this cycle:

3/30: DH and I returned home from a much needed vacation in Las Vegas I earned/won at work. 

The picture I chose for this post is from our trip.  I chose this picture, not because infertility treatment are a gamble, but because we will be on the right side of the odds this time!! 

3/31:  My Baseline Ultrasound.  I was properly suppressed (no ovarian cysts and a thin lining).

4/6:  My Egg Donors Baseline

4/10: My endometrial lining check.  It measured at a 9.6 mm and triple striped.  

The clinic was aiming for anything greater than 7 mm.  I am sure I have an soft, comfy, amazing endometrial mattress for my embies to rest for the next 9 months <3

4/14-4/17: Donor follicle scan updates.  Her follicles count has ranged from 31 to 35.  I received the call yesterday they were going to have her trigger with Lupron and HCG.  

What is a trigger and why is it important? 

The trigger shot is the last step in the maturation process of follicle (egg) development.  36 hours after the trigger shot, the the doctor will retrieve her eggs.  The retrieval is very time sensitive, if ovulation occurs before egg retrieval the physician will not be able to retrieve her eggs.     

Which brings us to tomorrow, Sunday 4/19/2015.  

The 1st day of National Infertility Awareness Week

Egg Retrieval Day  

Our donor's eggs will be retrieved.  I will head to the clinic in the afternoon for my Neupogen uterine wash.  The Neupogen has been shown to help those with a history of miscarriage and implantation failure.  At that time I will learn how many eggs have been retrieved.

4/20: I will get our fertilization report

4/22:  Day three embryo report.  This will tell us how many of our embryos are thriving and the embryo grades that day

4/24: THE BIG DAY-  Embryo Transfer Day.  

I cannot think of a better day to have my egg donor's retrieval.  The 1st day of NIAW. There is not a better week to have our embryo transfer!!  If there is such a thing as a sign or good luck, this is it!!

I am getting excited.  W is also getting excited.  I love Please send all the positive vibes, prayers, thoughts, etc. our way, as they are very much appreciated!!    

We are going to BEAT Infertility.  It will not beat us!!

Back in the Stirrups Again

Is it this a possible to be excitingly nervous?  

This is how I have felt since the middle of last month when I learned things were being pushed forward.  After an amazing extended weekend/free vacation with Whis in Las Vegas that I earned at work, we returned home Monday evening.  Tuesday morning, wearing a pair of my "lucky socks" I had a date with the vaj-cam (transvaginal ultrasound).  

My RE walked into the room and she complemented me on the socks  :)  I mentioned they were my lucky socks.  She asked if that meant I that I will not taking them off until my BFP.  Haha.  Something I never considered.  I assure everyone, I do and will continue to change the socks Every.Single.Day.  I have several pairs of lucky socks and will wear a different pair at each of my u/s appointments.  

The baseline ultrasound went well and I was given the green light to start delestrogen.  

I still cannot believe I'm cycling again.  All the consents have been signed, acupuncture scheduled, and financing has been worked out, at least for the most part.  

Monday, April 6th is a BIG DAY. 

Our Egg Donor's baseline.  

I too will go into the clinic.  I have to have my estrogen level checked.  I will give the clinic our consent forms and pay for the cycle.

I am hopefully optimistic.  At least for now.  

Donor Egg Cycle Turn of Events

I cannot believe that I am typing this.  I have so much to share since my last update.  As you all know I was devastated about the donor backing out.  There were so many reasons why I have a strong feeling that this particular donor is the one to help me and W become parents.  While I knew that perhaps I would find another suitable donor, I felt that it could not hurt to ask my RE to forward an email to the donor telling her a little about our TTC history and asked if she could reconsider donating to us.  My RE had the email passed onto the donor.  The donor responded saying that she would love to help us.  That being said she asked if we would be willing to wait to cycle in May.  May would be perfect, yes I was hoping to cycle sooner, but a break from TTC was needed and necessary for mine and W's mental health.

I emailed the donor coordinator last week to be sure that everything was set up as planned, she emailed me back, and what do you know?  She said the egg donor wanted to move the cycle up a month, and if we were open to it I could start meds as early as this week.  OMG!!  I talked with W's he said lets do it.  Here we are Saturday, March 21, 2015 day 1 of Lupron!!  I cannot believe I'm cycling again.

I feel so much peace about this cycle.  I have so much hope.  Hope is a dangerous feeling for those who have had difficulty ttc.  But I will embrace this feeling, at least for now.  I know there will be times during this cycle that I will not have this feeling.  I will look at myself in the mirror and remind myself, that this donor, one of the most proven donors my clinic has ever had, produces an unreal number of eggs and even more important high quality embryos.  If for some reason it doesn't work out, I have comfort that I will have more than enough embryos frozen for another cycle.

Infertility- A Mothers Perspective

Sometimes it's difficult for me to realize that I'm not the only one grieving. Over the last several years that W and I have been trying to conceive one of the people that has been most supportive is my mother.  This post is written by her. 

When your daughter has infertility

As a mother I did not understand why my daughter was having problems conceiving a baby. I would tell her to give it time, relax, it will happen for you.  Why wouldn't it?  She is my daughter and I had no problems conceiving. As time went on with no success, her and her husband sought out medical treatment and started down the road of IVF.  I had high hopes and I’d get so excited to think I was going to be a grandmother. I would talk to her as if she was pregnant. 

Then my other daughter got pregnant, the excitement I felt, I was going to be a grandma, then the guilt settled in.  I felt so guilty for being happy for one daughter when I knew my other daughter just had another failed IVF.  Again the pain, hurt, tears I felt for her.  I prayed to God and reached out to my religious friends to pray for her. Please God please give her a baby, she is so deserving, so kind to others, never judging others. She is so sweet and always willing to help others. Mindy would be such a great mother, please God give her and her husband a child. I will do anything to support them in any way I can. 

After many unsuccessful cycles I saw her tears and heartache, I felt I played a part in causing her. I just didn't understand! Why, with doctors help, why couldn't she get pregnant.  I didn't understand her diagnosis, the chances of them conceiving were really slim, but I never gave up hope! I had so many questions and so did my friends and coworkers, but after each IVF a attempt and failure the tears and heartache, I still didn't understand.  She pulled away and didn't want to talk about it with me, her mother, or anyone else for that matter. 

I have learned some understanding. With all the questions it was painful for her to explain to others why it didn't work. On top of her emotional pain, they have paid for all the treatments out of pocket.  Their treatments are not being funded by insurance and I asked myself why, after all, this is a medical problem.

I'm so angry for them. To see and feel the emotional pain and the financial burden on her and her husband!

I suggested they look into adoption, she got so angry with me and hurt again by my words.  I felt that if they wanted to be parents then they could adopt a baby. It's apparent that IVF has not been working.  What I began to understand is Mindy really wants to feel a little baby growing inside of her.  To be able to experience a pregnancy. At this point I was beginning to understand.  Her hurt and heartache must feel is like the loss of a child.  I know what it feels like to lose a child, because we lost our oldest in 1997.  The hurt, the pain, the tears and not understanding to the reasons why this was happening.  For her, it is just like the loss of a child.  Each time they have had a failed cycle it is like that for them, the loss of a baby. 

I have learned to listen and to not give my opinion on their choices.  I love her and her husband so much and I just want her and her husband to be happy. I know one day it will happen.  With their persistence they will have a family.  

Always an Aunt?

I love being an Aunt.  I'm so happy for my siblings and sibling-in -laws, that they are blessed to be able to raise, beautiful, amazing, intelligent children. W is so great with our nieces and nephews.  He is an amazing uncle, he put's together their toys when given the chance, he plays with them, and he is patient with them.  I wish more than anything that I will have the chance to experience parenthood with this man.  

While on our TTC break I learned about a very unique donor.  I was immediately drawn to her profile. She has cycled a total of four times, all four cycles have resulted in pregnancies.  Her cycles yield an unbelievable number of high quality embryos (40+).  It was a plus she and I have a lot of similarities, such as ancestry, and physical attributes.  When I learned about this donor I immediately secured her for a cycle in March.  

Since March is just around the corner I sent a few emails to the donor coordinator to get an idea of the timing for the upcoming cycle.  Since I was not getting a response I called and left her a voice mail to call me back.  That evening, Thursday January 22, 2015 at 6:19 pm the phone rang. Anxiously I answered, and shortly into the call she told me the donor "got a little sick" her last cycle so she will not be donating for a while and may not donate again in the future.  I cannot believe it.  I am emotionally invested in this donor. She's perfect, I know we would have found success using her eggs.

I wish I could articulate the steps one takes emotionally to get to a point to move forward with donor eggs, the loss, the acceptance, and then finding the right match.  And now I have to start over. I have 
cried and cried about this recent set-back.  I hope to find a new donor that I feel as confident with,
as I did the last donor.

This makes me question everything.  Why can we not catch a break?  Is this a bad joke God is playing on us? Is there a God?  Are we not supposed to have children?  

Will I always be an Aunt and not a mother?