Am I that fragile?

Last night Dh and I were hanging out with friends, dinner and drinks.  I was texting one of my my bestie from HS, who lives four hrs from me, wishing her a happy birthday.  I have known for sometime she and her husband were trying to have a baby.  I asked if she had a baby on the way.  she replied "well as a matter of fact yes.  I'm having a girl in Dec.  Sorry, it's been too hard for me to tell you."   I tried to hold myself together, but I couldn't.  

She is half way through her pregnancy and she did not tell me.  I know she was trying to protect me, but I'm hurt!  On top of everything I asked when she was having a shower, She said yes, next month.  She said I could go if I want to.  I'm not sure if she was even going to invite me.  

Am I that fragile, that my BF form HS can't tell me she is pregnant?  I would find out eventually.  I'm one who would rather know if someone is pregnant.  Get over my grief and then move on.  I find it more hurtful when ppl keep secrets.  

I wish...

Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls who never wanted kids.  Only because I would not have to go through the pain of IF!  I would never wish IF on my worst enemy.

There has never been a time in my entire life where I thought that I would not be a mom.  I sit here crying while writing this blog post.  I have a huge hole in my heart.  I do not understand why I was handed this card!  What is the purpose?  Is there a purpose?  I am a good person!  I take care of others, and make sure they are alive and stay alive.  That is what I do.  I am a nurse and I take care of people who are literally dying, or those who have almost died from heart attacks.  I volunteer at a free clinic for those who do not have health insurance and cannot afford paying for healthcare services!  

I care for those more than I care for myself!  I am not asking a lot.  I want to be a mom, more than anything! I wish I understood why, why I was dealt the IF card!  

My birthday was last month.  This was the first birthday I didn't want to celebrate!!  I cried on my birthday.  I didn't want to celebrate.  I wanted to be pregnant.  My poor Dh had to watch me cry on my birthday!  Then I felt bad because I was crying and he couldn't make things better!  He said to me while I was crying, that he wished that he could be enough for me.    I feel like such a horrible person that I cannot just be happy with him.  I have always wanted to be a mom, and here I am 32 years old childless.  I have an amazing husband, but I want to be a mom and I want him to be a dad.  

I hope there is a miracle in our future.  I miss my old, happy, spunky self!  I used to be so fun and now all I do is obsess about what I can do to make it work and it is weighing on me more than ever.  I just want to be happy with the way things are.  I have a good life, an amazing husband.  I know I need to get out of this funk!!!

Four years...

Four years this month we have been ttc.  We are not any closer then we were four years ago to have a family.  I would go as far as saying I feel further away from our goal then we were four years ago.  DH not working puts a huge temporary hold on our plans to have a baby.

I feel bad because he feels responsible that we are not able to cycle right now.  I have to keep the faith he will find a good job, with great benefits, and a decent wage so we can cycle again soon.  I hate that we are going through this!

Looking at the bright side I am able to go to my BFF's wedding in the Bahama's for minimal cost next week (my bff paid for half my flight with sky miles and I will be sharing a room with three other girls).  And AF will not be hitching a ride.

I wish that DH could go too, but in reality I should be saving for another IVF and not four day trip to the Bahama's.

Making the best of our situation

I need to stop being bitter and start enjoying life.  I have decided to start using my CBFM again and to stop stressing about the fact we are not able to do IVF at this time.  I even have a few vacations planed in the next few weeks I'm very excited about!  We will be going to Flaming Gorge to go boating in two weeks, and mid Aug. I'm going to the Bahamas’s for a wedding!!!  Although both vacations will be short, it will be worth every second :)    

DH has been working hard on sprucing up his resume, and becoming a better professional candidate for the job hunt.  He has set up his Linked in profile, started searching for jobs, and his resume rocks!!!  I continue to keep my fingers crossed he will find a employer that has IF insurance coverage.  If we do not luck out in that department I hope he is able to find a job that pays equal or more than what he was making at his prior employer. 

As I mentioned before I have been using the CBFM this month, it indicated I'm ovulating today and yesterday.  Which I'm super excited about because it is day 15 and 16 of my cycle, where as before I started IVF treatments I was ovulating on day 10.  I am going to take it as a good sign that I am ovulating a nice and fat, mature egg!  I am doing my best to keep the faith that I will get knocked up like a normal person! 

32 and an empty womb

I have turned 32 today.  I am not where I thought I would be at 32.  My dream for myself was to have a baby at 28 and another at 30.  I would be done and enjoying every moment raising them.

This morning I was laying in bed, imaging what it would be like if I had kids.  It would be amazing if they jumped into my bed to wish me a happy birthday with their home made gifts.  I know this dream will come true sometime in my life.  I will NEVER give up on the idea of being a mom.  I am working on letting go of my dream of having a child that I will have a genetic link to.  I will either move forward with DE or adoption. I am giving myself time to morn the loss of a child with a genetic link while DH is working on getting a job.

I love my DH more than anything, but I am starting to get a little bitter of the fact that he is not working and it is the reason we cannot cycle right now.  I know that my eggs are not suddenly that much worse then they were yesterday because I am a day/year older.  However, I feel that it is precious time we are losing as my ovaries are aging and they do not have much time left in them.

Grasping at straws

I am feeling desperate!!!  I did not win a free IVF.  I feel our story is not sad enough to win anything :(
I have been obsessing again on how we can move forward with baby make'n.  I have been searching the Internet for the DOR's key to success.  

I have found a few things.  One seems very promising, unfortunately is not being studied in  the United States, it is called human Nuclear Transfer or Cytoplasmic Nuclear Transfer, also called three parent baby.  It "involves transferring part of one woman's egg into another's. In this case, scientists use the healthy portion of a donor egg (the cytoplasm) to supplement the defective portion of the infertile recipient's egg and to help it survive, hence making one good egg. The infertile woman's genetic legacy is preserved because the nucleus, which makes up 99 percent of the genetic material that determines physical traits in the embryo"
(Read more: here).
Although trials are not being conducted in the United States, there is a scientist, Jonathan Tilly, Ph.D., who discovered stem cells in mice that reproduce oocytes (eggs).  He believes these stems cells are present in humans.  He feels " these oocyte stem cells are the source for the woman's own germ-line mitochondria that can be used to rejuvenate her eggs", instead of using a donor's cytoplasm for optimal mitochondria. The article I read stated the company he has co-founded called Ova-Science is going to conduct a clinical trial doing the Cytoplasmic Nuclear Transfer, using the retrieved stem cells.  This clinical trial will be conducted in women from 35-42 years old, so I will not qualify.  I am highly considering emailing Dr. Tilly to see if they will be conducting clinical trials to women who have premature DOR.

I have also been cruising clinicaltrials.gov looking for studies I qualify for.  So today I have emailed two contacts for two clinical trials, one is in SF.  It is called "delayed start to ovarian stimulation".  This study hypotheses is "delayed [the] start (7 day) to ovarian stimulation with an GnRH antagonist (Ganirelix) will improve oocyte maturation and quality, and improve pregnancy outcomes.  The other trial is taking place at Cornell it is a "Low-dose Clomiphene Based Antagonist Protocol vs. High Dose Gonadotropin/Antagonist Protocol for IVF Poor Responders."    

I know I'm grasping at straws, but we do not have the money right now for further IVF's, and the protocols I    have tried have not worked.  Why can't I move onto what we know's works DE?  I want to have a Mindy/Whistler baby and while I still have eggs I want to use them.  

SIRM IVF giveaway

DH and I entered a contest to win a free IVF.  It's not exactly what we had envisioned, but with the limited time DH and I had to work on it I think it turned out okayish.  It's really hard to tell your "story" in 5 mins! I really hope that we are not boring the audience. 

I feel the one thing we have going for us is that our video is unique.  The video's I have watched we are the only couple who used an "interview" like format.  Also watching the other video's it does not seem many husbands participated in the video making process.  We wanted to keep our story only about our ttc process, and not include anything more about our lives.  It seems that many of the couples did not do that.  So I hope that doesn't hurt us in the sense of not having "sad" family stories added in the mix.  

Here it is in all its glory

My WTF.... And the one thing I know for sure!

My WTF really didn't help my find clarity of what or how I should move forward from here.  I disparately would like my own biological child.  Why can I not get over this.  The only DE option and offer I only took seriously was my sister's and when she backed out I was determined I would get pregnant with my OE's.

As time has past and three and a half IVF's later I am not pregnant.  My RE still believes that I can get ku with my OE's, but it may not be with the next IVF and maybe not the one after that.  When does one get to a point to move on?  Do I need therapy to get to this place?  I have so many wonderful people, friends and family that have offered to donate.  I do not think I could take an egg(s) from a friend, but I have amazing cousins that would be wonderful choices, all I have to do is say the word!  Even if I were to take the leap, conquer whatever fear it is from making this decision it would be at least 6 mo to a year before DH and I could even afford to cycle again.  Why is it a fear? Why do I feel that it is something I have to conquer? Why am I letting IF define me?

My RE does not feel I need anymore testing to determine if my body is rejecting the embryo.  He feels that DE will be a success for us the first time.  He spent a lot of the conversation discussing why I would be a perfect DE candidate, and in the back of my mind, I ekpt thinking that nothing is for sure, so how can you say that.

What I know for sure is Dh and are not ready to give up on being parents.  I will have more treatments, I'm just not positive if we will move forward with my egg or a donor's.

"Childless Mother"

Here is a poem for those of us who are "Childless mothers"

Childless Mother
by Louise C. Taylor
Copyright 1997

I am a childless mother.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
Where there should be squeals and laughter
There is nothing but mind-numbing silence.
And look, there, in the corner sitting idly,
Waiting, is a child's rocker, my rocker-
The rocker that I used to sit in and imagine
Rocking my baby instead of just a doll.
And I realize, that as empty as that rocker seems,
My arms feel even heavier with the emptiness.
How can emptiness feel so heavy?
That emptiness carries my broken dreams,
My disappointments, my resentment.
Flutterby kisses never shared,
Laughter never heard,
Tears never brushed away
All weigh more than a child ever will.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
I am a childless mother.

I am happy for them, I am! (Warning... another depressing post)

This last week I have had two really close, amazing friends have babies.  I am happy for them, I really am.  I just don't understand why I could not be celebrating with them.  Had IVF 2.2 I would have been due around the same time as them.

Today to make things worse, while I was at work and another close friend asked if I could talk, the second worst sentences to an IF's ears, the worst sentence follows "I'm pregnant".  I am happy for my friends!  Had IVF #3 would have worked I would be due the same month as her.  Why not me?  When will it be me?  I know I will be a mom.  I just do not understand why it has to be so hard?

what I have done, what I am willing to do to be a mom.

I have opened my mind to alternative treatments some bazaar, a few old-wives tails, etc. hoping that these would be the magical missing piece of our puzzle to help us become parents.  I had been going to acupuncture, reiki, reflexology, I have taken supplements in order improve egg quality, drank pomegranate juice, and made shakes with a pineapple core and none of these things were the missing pieces of our puzzle.  I have been open to these alternative therapies, knowing that we do not know everything, and what if, what if one of these therapies and treatments worked.  Well it didn't.  I am still willing to do anything if it would guarantee pregnancy, a Whistler and Mindy baby. 

Sometimes I think I am crazy!  I have been brainstorming ways to help us come up the money so we are able to move forward with more IF treatments/IVF's.  I have been thinking about talking to DH into selling our house, and moving into an apartment.  I know we would save so much money.  I can only imagine how much easier it would be to afford more IF treatments.  

Maybe we could do staggering 3 or 4 ivf's, freezing the one or two embryos we are able to make with each cycle and do pdg/chg to determine which embryos are genetically competent to transfer.  I even thought if we did this I could maybe, just maybe talk to my sister and have her donate her eggs with one of these staggering IVF's and freeze those embryo's, move forward  with an FET and no one would know whose eggs/embryo's were used.  I'm not sure if I could talk her, her husband or my husband into this possibly irrational idea.  

I am afraid to bring up the subject with DH at this time.  I am so scared he will not be open to my crazy ideas.  I know I am having irrational thoughts. Maybe I should see a therapist, I have been thinking about this for some time.  Even if my ideas are irrational, I think I should share them with DH.  He knows me better than anyone, and he will either help me overcome my crazy thoughts or let me know they may not be so crazy.  

The thing is, I want to be a mom.  I want to see what our babies will look like.  I want to experience pregnancy.  I know that this is selfish, there are many kids that need parents, but this is an innate feeling I have and I’m not sure if I able to overcome this feeling.  I am not closing the door on adoption; I'm just not ready to take this step, so the door is just not completely open yet.

IF awareness week

I stole a few posts from a message board and put a few of them together and I posted this on FB.  

Today is the first day of Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples....including us.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. It's the pain of the unknown. This process happens month after month, year after year. It's like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

Your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the “wrong” thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support. For helpful tips for supporting a loved one experiencing infertility, please visit:http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html 

I had no responses, except my mom's "like", which is fine.  But it makes me wonder, is the subject is too taboo and uncomfortable to discuss or is it that people just do not care?

Beta #3

My RE emailed me after Beta# 2, he stated, "The level was only 8 when I expected 14.  I am concerned that the pregnancy isn't doing well.  I think you should repeat the test on Friday." "Realistically my guess is the level will ultimately drop.  If that happens we will talk about what to do next."

As suspected beta# 3 dropped to 4.  I officially had a chemical pregnancy.  When I spoke with my RE he was pleased we made it as far as we did, and thinks we should try it again.  At the time I spoke with him, my DH was not in town.  I have spoken to DH about this, and he said we will try again, but other than that he doesn't want to discuss when or our plan.  Once DH and I talk about our plans I will set up our WTF and discuss our last cycle with our RE, see what he suggests and make an informed decision about our TTC future, such as DE, try again with my OE's, etc.

The one thing DH and I know is we are not ready to give up on being parents.  We will most likely have a long break d/t our financial situation.  We do not want to be financially irresponsible and at this point with DH's job coming to an end the first of May and the possibility I will be going back to school in the fall our future baby maybe on hold.  

I hope I am wrong!  I am keeping my fingers crossed that things will fall into place and we will be able to continue our journey soon. 

Beta 1 and 2

Monday's beta was 7; the expectation is for it to double two days later.  Beta #2 drawn today is 8, obviously it didn't double.  I am still bleeding, this morning it was bright red blood, I haven't seen any bleeding since this then.  I have not spoken with my RE; I looked up my beta since I had it drawn at my work.  I will update after talking to Dr. Fisch.

I am heartbroken.  I wish DH was in town, instead of training his replacement for his job :(

Terrified!

Tomorrow is my beta.  I have continued to have spotting.  It continues to be a very small amount, but the last two days it has been a little more, sorry about the TMI.  It had been pink and now it is more of a brown, which would indicate old blood.  This may or may not be a good sign, and I'm having minor cramps, it's freaking the crap out of me.  I'm a chronic spotter prior to AF's arrival.  I really hope this is not the case.

I'm terrified my beta tomorrow will be negative.  It just cannot be negative.  This is my last cycle for many, many years.  We cannot afford anymore fertility treatments at this time, unless DH finds a job that has coverage, which is highly unlikely.  

Please, please, please let my beta be positive tomorrow, please!   

2WW hell!

It is the shortest 2WW known to man, my beta is on Monday, so I thought my 2WW this cycle would be a breeze!  Haha, I have to laugh at myself.  I have had a little spotting each day since my transfer.  Mostly pink first thing in the morning, today I hand pink spotting this morning and brown this afternoon.  The optimist in me would like to believe this is a good sign.  But the pessimist thinks it is too early.  Why, why do I do this to myself?  I think it's time for me to head back to Salt Lake, so DH can entertain me.  And I kinda miss him!

Another much needed update

I want to begin with a Pic of our beautiful 6 day expanded blast we transferred yesterday.

Update:

Needless to say I had more stress leading up to what I thought was going to be our 5dt.  I had my acupuncturist meeting me at the clinic.  DH and I are driving there about 15-20 mins away, and my RE's nurse calls to move our transfer to a day 6.  At that time my phone kept dropping the call, so DH called her back and she said that our Embryo was a compacted grade 2 embryo, and they wanted to watch it for one more day because it was a little behind.  I tried to stay calm in front of DH.  He started to Google 5 day compacted embryo's to help reduce my fears. Everything he came across was reassuring, but I continued to feel uncertain that being pushed out one more day was a sign of an imperfect embryo.  

The plan was for DH to head back home after our transfer.  Unfortunately he still had to head home, because he had scheduled dental work and he needed to have it completed, not to mention one of us needs to work while we are going through this process, since I had to call my boss to take me off the schedule for an additional two days.  Luckily our unit is slow, so it was not a big deal.  Well, I lost my sh!t when DH left, then I fell asleep for a few hours. Once I woke up I began searching the Internet regarding day 5 compacted embryo's and as DH explained, it was not a big deal, it did not mean our embryo was imperfect.  

Yesterday my Uncle was able to drive and pick me up for the transfer.  My acupuncturist was able to meet me there.  I absolutely loved meeting Dr. Sher.  He is so enthusiastic and he has such a warm personality.  He came in to perform the transfer.  He asks the embryologist to prepare my embryo for transfer and the embryologist says, "Her embryo continued to develop and is now a grade 1, expanded blast.  Dr. Sher was very pleased.  He said that he was very happy we gave it one more day.  

I have no idea how an embryo goes from a grade 1, to a grade 2 and then back to a grade 1, but I didn't ask questions.  I'm going to take that grade one.  I have to say I am pleased with the pic of my beautiful embryo.  I am praying, hoping, and wishing that my little Lucky Leo is snuggling in nice and tight for the next nine months :)    

My Beta is scheduled on 4/9, which seems a little early.  I will take the number with a grain of salt.  I will keep crossed it is positive and that the number doubles. 

Day 3 embryo report

Our embryo is a grade 1 (S.IRM's best grade), 7 cell embryo!!! 

I know that you amazing ladies have been sending your prayers and positive vibes.  Please keep them coming!  XOXO

ET drama and a much needed update (long)

I have to first say I love my family!  My sister and her family moved 2 hrs away from LV.  I have seen her and her kids and her DH multiple times since I have been here for my IVF.  I actually went furniture shopping with her--it was painful, but it was fun spending time with her like the old days when we only lived miles apart.  I had forgotten how much I miss her company.

I am staying with my Aunt and her DH again.  I love that they make DH and I feel like we are at home!  I can only imagine how much money we are saving staying with family vs. a hotel/motel.  If my Aunt did not live in LV the closest family to LV would be my sister, the next closest is four hrs away--not that far of a drive, but gas prices are ridiculous!  Gas alone would break the bank. 

Lastly, I love, love, love seeing my cousins and their kids.  These specific cousins did not live in SLC when we were growing up, and I am finally a getting to know them and I am getting to know them well.

One of my cousin's graciously offered donating her eggs to us if this cycle does not work.  I feel that her offer is genuine and it is something DH and I would highly consider, she said she would commute to SL if we decided not to cycle in LV again.  I of course have reservations, especially because of my sister ED drama, but I am happy to have that as an option.

Now here is my ET drama.  We had two follicles, both eggs were retrieved; one was mature and fertilized normally with ICSI.  At first I was not sure if I should've been disappointed or grateful.  I went with grateful we only At this very moment I will go with grateful, because this has been better than my last two cycles. 

Well, the initial plan was to do a 5dt with Dr. Sher since my RE was going oot. Yesterday my RE called and said Dr. Sher had an emergency and will not be available to do our 5dt.  This caused a lot of unneeded stress on my end.  Dr. Fisch sold us on the 5dt, although we only have one embryo.  He explained that 5dt gives more information regarding a failed cycle, such as embryo issues, implantation, and/or immulogic issue.  I know that I want this information even/especially if we do not cycle with our own eggs again.  I would hate to throw more money toward IF treatments if there are other issues that need to be addressed.

Anyway, I was given the option to go in today for a 2dt or wait for a 5 day report, see if the embryo makes it to blast, freeze our embryo and do a FET later. There are pro's and cons to both situations; if we decided to do a FET we would risk our embryo not making it through a thaw.  If we decided to do a 2dt we would not know as much regarding our embryo and quality.  So we decided to do a fresh 2dt, went in and spoke with our RE he looked at our embryo--two cell (should be btwn two and four cells).  We were able to see a pic of our cute embryo.  He said that he and Dr. Sher worked out their schedules and there will be someone to do the transfer Tues.  I am so relieved, I feel so much better about having a 5dt!

I’m keeping my fingers crossed we have one amazing embryo!  I'm very nervous I am going home with an empty ute.  Please pray/send vibes my embryo makes it to transfer.

Happily Ever After?

One of my BFF's and I always joke about our Happily Ever Afters.  She has been determined to find a man, marry him on a beach while I am there as her Matron of honor, barefoot and pregnant.  Things are working out beautifully for her.  I am ecstatic she has met an amazing man, who treats her like a princess! 

It seems, on the other hand that I may not end up with my happily ever after.  My ultrasound on Monday showed three small follicles, I went in today for my second check and only one of those three has shown growth, but only a little growth. 

I will stim for a few more days and go in again on Sat. for u/s #3.  If the follicle grows I will have my retrieval on Thurs next week, if not I am canceled.  I'm at a loss.  I'm so tired of this rollercoaster.  Why can't I just get knocked the fuck up?  I haven’t done anything to deserve this.  Please pray/send vibes that I have strength to get through this, and I will also end up with my happily ever after. 

The planets and stars may not be perfectly aligned, but I'm feeling lucky :)

I caught a bug and I was super sick Wed. with a fever and achy body. I felt like shit balls. I went to the local urgent care, they suspect I have the flu, but did not test me for it since I was immunized early in the season he didn't feel tamaflu would be helpful. The MD felt it wasn't necessary to do any testing because he did not feel it was safe treating me with meds since I am stimming for IVF.

I was very annoyed! I spent all that money when I could have told myself the same info. The least they could have administered me a liter of IV fluid since I was dehydrated. I called my RE; they gave me the ok to take Tylenol cold and flu which was my life saver. I'm so happy that I’m a nurse with hook-up's. I was able to have a friend administer a liter of IV fluids. I'm so happy to report I’m on the mend now, and feeling much better.

All in time for my upcoming u/s this Monday. I have realized during myself imposed break that things will never be perfect. I may not be in perfect health. DH is getting laid off. My FIL has moved in because he is out of work. Yet I am very optimistic. I feel that even though the planets and stars are not aligned. Things in our life are not perfect; I'm in a good place mentally. DH and I are in an amazing place as a couple. Things just seem to be right. Which is the reason I know I'm going to be knocked the eff up with this IVF :)

Today "I got my nails did" to help celebrate. It doesn't hurt to have a little extra luck on my side either.

R.I.P Baby Bertha aka Bertha the Battle Cat

Last Thursday we had to put our sweet cat Bertha to sleep. DH liked to call her Bertha the Battle Cat.  I called her Baby Bertha. She lived for an amazing 19 years.

I love both of these pics. The Pic on the left she was attempting to reach her cat treats. The one on the right I was working on my bachelors in Nursing. I believe I was working on a paper in our home office and she was keeping me company!

We will miss her forever!

Last BCP :)

I took my last BCP today. My IVF is getting closer and closer! I am so optimistic about this cycle. I cannot wait to get this show on the road!!  In a few days AF will arrive and it will be the last time I see for a very, very long time.  She will no longer be welcome in our house.  Baseline u/s is on Monday 3/5!  Hooray :)

Obligatory Med pic :)

This is what $9k of fertility drugs look like! I took two separate pics for your viewing pleasure.

Thanks to everyone who donated meds which helped to make this possible for us :)

The countdown has begun...

The last few months I have been doing my very best distracting myself from most things IF. I studied for and took the GRE, applied for a Nurse Practitoner Program. Now that my NP application has been submitted, I am pulling out all my other distraction tools. I have been working out. I have found that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE kickboxing. Who knew punching and kicking a bag would give one so much satisfaction? I imagine watching myself--I know I look ridiculous, I laugh at myself half the time I'm there and I get an awesome workout! I've been snowboarding a few times this season, but the snow has really sucked. I have become a snobby rider. If the weather is less than ideal, or there hasn't been recent snowfall I have no desire to go.

I start lupron this Friday, Estrogen priming on 3/6 and stims on 3/12!!! I cannot believe I am on the countdown for IVF# 3! Our third and final IVF with my OE's! I have so much excitement, optimism, and anxiety all at the same time. I have been doing my best being positive for this cycle! I have been going to acupuncture, reiki, I know that working out has really helped my attitude and I have pulled out my IF meditation mp3's. I have the best husband, friends and parents supporting me. It is amazing the support I have. Although my DH is a pessimist he is working on being positive for this upcoming cycle for me :)

This protocol is the same as my first protocol, but my stims are more aggressive. The most aggressive the clinic, possibly any clinic would use. Sit down... I will be on 750 units of follistim a night. I pray, pray, pray that this does the trick and brings us our sticky baby!!! I am keeping my fingers crossed I will have two or three follicles; I would be ecstatic for more. However, it is not the number that is important to us. We are looking for QUALITY. I am so excited to get this party started. In one month from now I will be in Las Vegas soaking in the sun, while my ovaries work overtime to bring me and DH our baby :)

I am so excited my parents are driving down with me for support. I will stay with my Aunt and her DH again. My parents will stay in a nearby hotel and they will be there for the first couple days until DH arrives for ER and ET. It is so hard to be there without a shoulder to cry on or have anyone there to jump for joy with. My Aunt is an amazing support, but it will be nice to have my parents as well.

The icing on top is the end of my stay I will meet one of my fellow bumpies who will be there for a short getaway!!! I feel so good about this cycle. I hope nothing takes that away from me :)

It's time, time for an update...

It has been too long!  After my last BFFN and my sister backing out from being my donor, I needed a much needed break from most things IF related.  

I finally feel like I can move forward.  I have received my calendar for my upcoming IVF using my OE.  I have started taking the pill and we are moving forward, this cycle will bring us our take home baby.  This cycle has to work.  A BFN is not an option!  I am finally starting to get excited about this cycle.  I cannot wait to get this show on the road!!!  I start stims March 12th, which is just around the corner.  Hooray!!!

I found an amazing quote on pinterest.  I have written it down, and put it in my wallet so I can read it everyday.  This cycle will bring us our BFsP :)