Wednesday, December 24, 2014

A Christmas Wish…





Besides the obvious of wishing for a baby, I have a wish for those who have not personally experienced infertility.    

Why do I have a wish for those who have not been directly impacted by infertility?

A hope of infertility awareness and sympathy for those who are in the trenches or have experienced it.

I should preface this post, with the fact that the other day I met up with an old friend.  She and I were talking about trying to build our families.  She has not being trying near as long as W and I have.  I consider this lady one of my dear, dear friends.  I love her for so many reasons.  I do not want to discount other friends that and family that have been compassionate toward us throughout our journey.  However, one thing stood out this time.  She has sympathy, not pity, she does not minimize our pain, or disregard mine and W’s situation.  She told me she tries to put herself in our shoes, because she and her husband could easily be in our position.  That being said, she mentioned many times she has thought, “why does W and Mindy continue down the path of fertility treatments, why not peruse other alternative ways to parenthood?” She realizes that everyone’s path to parenthood may be different.    

I know that those who have not been personally touched by infertility will never truly understand what it’s like.  For me, this is has been hands down the most painful thing I have ever experienced.  More painful than the sudden death of my older brother when I was in High School.  This is why I have a wish.  

I ask those who have not been personally touched by infertility to think about something that you have dreamed about your entire life…  

Now imagine that one day you are told that you cannot fulfill that dream easily.  It may happen, you have a 5% chance of it happening.  So you work hard!  Really damn hard.   You may be close to fulfilling that dream and then something gets in the way and it sets you back a few months, maybe a year.  And it happens time and time again. 

This has been our infertility roller-coaster.  If it’s not a money, it’s a new diagnosis, a chemical pregnancy, and/or a failed cycle.     

I wish for sympathy.

I wish for some understanding.

Understanding that infertility is a loss.  Loss of a child that is not here yet. Loss of a dream.  The dream of having the “normal” path to parenthood.  Loss of seeing a pieces of me and my husband in our child.  The possible loss of never being able to carry a child in my womb. 

I wish for those not to question another couple’s path. As no one’s path in life is the same.

I wish for compassion.

This is my Christmas wish

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Taking a Break


I looked at the male and female donor profiles for the donated embryos my clinic had tagged for us.  I have some concerns, and its something I didn't think about until I received the profiles.  My main concern is that I have had failed embryo transfers in the past, one of which we know was chromosomally normal.  I think it may take more than one transfer to find success.  In addition, more than anything we want our children to be siblings genetically and the chances of that with only 2 embryos is very slim.
DH and I have put a lot of thought into this, and I am not going to lie, I’m having a really hard time.  I feel really ungrateful and selfish that the embryos do not feel like a good match.  I have asked that they keep us on the list for donated embryos. Maybe another batch will come our way that feels like a better match.
The hubs and I had a really good conversation and decided to put our plans for cycling on hold for the next few months until we pay off some debt.  I’m thinking things will look a lot better in the next few months for us emotionally and financially.  I do not want to put things on hold, but I’m not in the right state of mind to cycle.
Maybe once I am back to my old-self we will be financially in a place to consider DE/DS again.  

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Decisions, decisions...

My follow-up appointment went well. We really didn't discussed what went wrong. Frankly don’t care what went wrong, because it will not change my decision to move away from doing a cycle using our own eggs or own sperm. We discussed what our best chance of success would be. She was very clear that she is concerned for a shared DE cycle because we only get half the eggs even with the use of donor sperm that will decrease our change for success, but we would have a slightly better chance than donor embryo. She gave us a 65% chance of success for donor embryo with the embryos they have set aside for us as they were created from donor eggs, great quality, and frozen via verification. She actually thinks that traditional Donor egg cycle using donor sperm will give us the greatest changes for success, 75%. I explained that the cost for a traditional donor egg cycle using donor sperm is our biggest obstacle for this route. My RE proposed a discounted cycle for a traditional DE cycle using donor sperm since I am a returning patient. This is why I like this clinic. They are incredibly generous and want us to have the success as much as we want it for ourselves. 

DH and I discussed our options last night about our plans moving forward. He likes the idea of Donor Embryos, for a few reasons, #1 cost, #2 the embryos are already blastocysts so we do not have to worry about the possibility of poor quality embryos. I’m leaning toward DE/DS, because I cannot bear the thought of another failed cycle, and that 10% difference in success, gives me some comfort. I’m not concerned about getting poor quality embryos if both DE and DS are proven donors. We have a lot to think about and more discussion to get on the same page.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Taken a turn for the worst


Unfortunately my update is depressing. I swear god is punishing us for something we've done in a previous life. Our embryo is an early blastocyst, graded a C.  We are going to wait overnight and watch the progression.  Our embryo does not meet their typical criteria for freeze. Unless the embryo arrests overnight we will freeze it anyway. That being said DH and I are talking about our next steps. We are done with my eggs and his sperm. We leaning toward a shared DE cycle using DS. I have no idea how we are going to pay for it. I like the idea of embryo adoption, but I want the best chance possible and since donated embryos come from other infertile couples it decreases the chances for success.  We are going to look into all the options.  I'm going to see what the price will be for a shared DE cycle using DS.  If it's reasonable we may go that route.  I like the idea of picking our donors.  There is so much we cannot control in this process, I want to have some control.  That is part of the reason I haven't looked more into donor embryo and a program out of the State that create their own embryos with donor eggs and sperm.  Money may dictate the route we take.  I wish there was an easy straight forward answer.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Day 3 Embryology Report-Baby's First Report Card


We have a reason to celebrate.  

One of the nurses called today to report that our embryo is right on track.  We have an amazing little 8 cell, zero fragmentation fighter!!  It is perfect! Right on track and doing well.  I’m so freaking happy.  I will take in all the small achievements I can during this painful process.

Now we wait, impatiently for the next few days.   Saturday we will learn if we have a blastocyst and make it to freeze.

I'm feeling very optimistic about things.  This is the first time, in a long time that I have felt this way. I was pleased to hear the embryology report today and hope for an equally positive report Saturday. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Fertilization report…


1 egg retrieved, 1 egg mature and ICSI’d, 1 egg fertilized!!! 

We have an embryo!!  And now I pray that this embryo thrives, thrives and grows to blastocyst, that this embryo is of excellent quality, and frozen to wait for transfer time, to snuggle into my ute. 


I feel very calm at this point.  I have hope that we will find success.  

Monday, November 3, 2014

"The Fire"


A lot has gone on since last Wednesday.  No I'm not pregnant.  My follicle continued to progress, I triggered with HCG just after Midnight on Sunday Morning and I went in for retrieval today.  My clinic has you pee on a stick (POAS) to test out the trigger before going in for retrieval.  Since it's rare for me to see two lines I had to take a picture of it, because who knows when I will see two lines again.    

On the way to my retrieval DH and I were listening to the radio and a song came on by my most loved Hip Hop band, The Roots!!  The song was perfect!  “The Fire.”  I have listened to this song a million times in my life, but today it was different.  DH pointed out that the song describes me, “You don't say good luck, you say don't give up, It's the fire, inside you.” It definitely set a good mood for the day.




I went in for the retrieval of my lone follie. I ordered our sperm, and it arrived Saturday.  Everything was falling into place.  The retrieval went well! They talked me into doing it without anesthesia, it wasn't bad at all.  I was still kind of out of it from the two pain pills they gave me and the Valium.  I found it no more painful than a pap smear. I received a call from my RE late this afternoon.  The egg was mature, they preformed ICSI on my egg (Injected the sperm into my egg).  They will call tomorrow with a fertilization report! We are doing embryo banking, so I have two more cycles before transfer. I have an appointment scheduled on Monday to discuss my next steps.  I feel very calm about everything that has happened over the last several days.  

I have had my ups and downs, but today I feel good.  I think DH feels good.  He has been in a very good mood today.  I know that we both still want this to work so badly, and we finally feel that we are a step closer to our goal today than we have been in a long time!! 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Cautiously Optimistic


I surprisingly would like to report we have growth!!     

My little follicle on the right ovary grew more than I expected.  It was 13 mm today.  That being said, I had to purchase more medications.  Not what I planned, but I purchased 4 more days!!  My next monitoring appointment is this Friday, Halloween 10/31/14.  

The Infertility roller-coaster is not a fun ride.  I found myself underwhelmed with excitement today.  I convinced myself that I didn't want to use my eggs anymore.  DNA is not important to me.  I want to be a Mother.  I want to make my husband a Father.  And I want to experience what it is like to be pregnant!!  I know our best chance for success is DE and DS.  I recently learned my clinic does shared DE cycles.  

Shared DE cycles offers great financial benefits.  Yes we would only get half the eggs from the donor, but no one really needs to have 20-30 embryos.  The thought of doing a shared cycle really appeals to me.  Half the cost, and since we are going to use DS there is not a lot of concern of having few viable embryos.

When discussing this with DH the other day, he was not exactly happy I was planning for this cycle to fail.  He has a point, why do I not believe that it will work?  Poor response does not equal poor egg quality.  

So as I continue with this journey, I will keep my heart protected, I will stay cautiously optimistic.  If for some reason I do not make it to retrieval I have a back-up plan.  A SOLID back-up plan.  I'm really to get off this roller-coaster.  I'm ready to move on with my life, I'm ready to make DH and I parents!

Monday, October 27, 2014

I'm Fine!

I wish I knew how to pretend to be fine.  I can't!  I know it's a cliché, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I am working on letting things go.  I have "Hope" that one day our dreams will come true. But pretending to be O.K. would be a lie to myself and everyone else.

Today, day 8 of stims, did not show much improvement from my last scan.  I cried.  I had such high hopes for this cycle, starting with a better AFC than my last cycle.  Maybe the U/S tech was wrong, maybe there were not antrial follicles on my Left Ovary. It really doesn't matter.  What matters is that I can get through the next few days without losing all hope.  That I do not let doubt overcome me.  I need to remember that being upset does not help the situation.  


One day this will all be a distant nightmare.  I will look back and I'll tell myself that every dollar, shot, bruise, heartache, and tears were all worth it!!  

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Defeating Doubt


This is how I felt yesterday.  After 6 days on  Stims my ovaries have been less than cooperative.  The 3 antrial follicles that were on my left ovary do not appear that they want to grow. The weird thing is I have two follicles on the right, which are on the small side that have decided to make an appearance. 

Needless to say  was not very optimistic about this cycle.  Ready to give up.  What a difference a good nights sleep will do.  I woke up, determined to not let this get me down.  I will not let doubt get in the way of our dreams! This will work!!  I have to make it to retrieval!!

Another follicle scan is tomorrow!!  FX the O's decide to wake the eff up!!

Monday, October 20, 2014

HOPE... There you are my long lost friend!


This is how one who is infertile conceives a child. These medications are worth their weight in gold.  :) 

There are several reasons why this cycle will end up in retrieval. 
  1. Today is the day I started stims.  And today is my late brother, Jason’s birthday.  He and I were very close.  He would be turning 37 today.  However he will forever be 19 years old.  I miss him, my family misses him, but I know he’s watching over us, helping us through life.  At least I think he is. 
  2. Today was my baseline.  I know that this number isn’t great, that being said it’s the best it’s been in at least 5 years.  Drum roll please….  My Left ovary has follicles, it gets better, I have THREE!!  My right ovary, however is being a dud this cycle.  It looked pretty quiet.  But I cannot be unhappy, an AFC of 3 is really a good number for me, as I have NEVER had more than 2eggs retrieved.  I’m not going to lie I cried.  It was not a sad cry, but a HAPPY cry.  The Cry of hope.  One that I had lost a long time ago. 
  3. My retrieval will be taking place around Halloween.  Why does this equal equate to a successful cycle?  As some of you may remember, had I not had a Chemical Pregnancy my last cycle, I would be delivering a baby.   This may be a coincidence, but it makes me think that our baby is out there and wants to join our lives here on earth.  This baby wants to be here as much as we want it to be here! 


 
I’m am going to consciously making an effort to remain positive this cycle.  I will laugh, DH and I will spend more quality time with each other.  Who knows maybe I’ll cook him dinner.  He’ll think it’s a holiday!! LOL.  I just want to be happy, stay happy, and remain positive that THIS IS GOING TO WORK!! 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

October 15th Pregnancy & Infant Loss remembrance day.

 I lit my candle last night for my family and friends who have lost babies. Your losses are unimaginable!!

For those who are not familiar with the statistic for Pregnancy and Infant loss, it occurs to "One in four" couples.  

My heart hurts for my friends and family who have experienced  this type of loss.  I wish I had the right words to say or the power to help take your pain away.  Unfortunately I don't. There are no words!  I will keep you in my thoughts and I wish you peace.  I know your babies are watching over you.  (((Hugs)))





Sunday, October 12, 2014

"I think I See You"




I have found comfort in music many times throughout my life.  There are many songs right now that give me comfort while ttc. The one that is providing me with the most comfort is

"Sky Full Of Stars" by Coldplay

Why is a song about love and love falling apart providing me comfort?

Infertility is love, love of a child that is not here on earth.  One that is not in our arms.  There are times I want to break up with Infertility.  I want to give up and hope that we can live a life, a happy life, without kids.  But, when I look into the stars I know that there is a baby that is waiting to become a part of our family.  For me  the lyrics hold true.

 "Cause in a sky, cause in a sky full of stars...  I think I see you" 


Saturday, September 27, 2014

Making a Change

What does one do when she cannot control everything? 
…She finds things she can control. 


I haven't been feeling super good about myself and decided I needed to make a change.  Yep, I cut off my hair.  There is something beautiful about getting a new hairdo.  I needed something to help my attitude. 

A hair cut is only a temporary feel good.  So I have also been working on other things to improve my attitude.  I have been taking a mindful meditation class and I work out twice a week.  Well I have made a promise to myself.  I am going to start working out every morning for 30 minutes and I am going to start mediating at least 15 minutes at night.  In addition I will be meeting up with a friend at least once a week for tea.  I will be spending more time playing with my pets.  Lastly, I will unplug for a few hours each evening and spend quality time with my husband. 

I cannot control anything with my IF, but I can control other things in my life, and I’m going to start with making myself happy.    

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

"The Mindy Project"



As most of you know, we're very open about our infertility struggles.  Sometimes too much.  Yes, I know I over share.  I think know it's important for people to be aware that trying to conceive is not as easy as it may seem for a lot of couples.  My hope is that I can help others who are in the beginning stages of infertility, and help them not make the mistakes we made. I know that I have been able to direct a few of my friends in real life the steps to take and I hope to help more people. 

Our update:  Last week I received the first month of my calendar.  I've been on estrogen since last Thursday and Testosterone started Sunday. I emailed my nurse about an antibiotic clarification and she replied back "Dr. G’s notes were very clear that you would start the zpack now. I agree that it is unusual but she has set up a special Mindy special protocol." I feel pretty special that I have my own "special protocol” 


The other day I was "over sharing" to one of my co-workers about our next steps and telling her I felt honored that I have my own special protocol.  She wittingly called it "The Mindy Project."  I have never watched an episode of "The Mindy Project,” but I'm happy to steal borrow its name for for my new protocol.  

I hope that the "The Mindy Project" brings us the child we are in love with, but haven't met.  I know we have a chance of this happening if I make it to retrieval.  Now we just need divine intervention. I hope this protocol is our answer!!  

   

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Rotten Egg

Update on my cycle- My cycle is officially cancelled, as my E2 level has dropped and my follicle stopped growing.  My RE has talked me into trying one last time using testosterone priming and staying on the list for embryo adoption since we are at the "top of the list."

I'm really not hopeful and I'm not sure if EA is the answer either.  I'm so over this.  I feel so alone, it is so, so hard face cancellation every.single.cycle. and every.single.appointment. It’s so hard feeling like I am one of the most infertiles of the really infertiles.  I have been passed up so many times over the years that even the other vets are lapping me. 


I'm so pissed we didn't use DS with our DE cycle. I'm pissed that we were not told that with BT the chances were not good!! FML!!  We have been out of the money to cycle for a long time now.  The cost of paying out of pocket for a total of 6 attempts at IVF/DE cycles has broken us mentally and financially!  I am officially crazy for trying TPP/EPP.  I hope I do not end up in a psych ward from a full mental break down.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Day 4, 3 things I'm Grateful For


1. I will am eternally grateful for the hide option on Facebook. Some days it’s easier if I can just “hide” things I do not want to see. Those who are infertile understand this all too well.  Another pregnancy announcement, ultrasound picture, or bump picture, or daily update on how horrible it is to be pregnant, it's comforting to hide those posts!!  I wish I had a hide button in real life. That would be awesome!!

2. Good Health! As I start am starting to work PRN on the weekends for Home Health again, it has reminded me how much I enjoy working with patients. It has also reminded me that I need to be grateful that my health, in general, is good!

3. Comedy! I love a good laugh. I need to laugh more, it’s essential for my mental health.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Day 3, 3 things I'm grateful for:




I am finding this challenge to be very difficult today.  Part of the reason for this is that I'm feeling a little discouraged today.  

I had another Follicle scan and my one follicle is progressing, 14.5 mm today.  I was not expecting a lot of follicles this cycle, as I have never had more than 2 retrieved, but in my heart I hoped that I would respond better with the low dose stim protocol. For those who are not familiar with how many eggs are retrieved via ivf, the average is about 12.  However I have seen numbers more than double that.  A point of reference was our DE cycle where 30 eggs were retrieved, and here I am in my early thirties unable to develop more than one.  I guess all I can do now is hope that the lower dose of stims will create a really good quality egg. This is my 6th cycle; I have to remain positive, because I have no other choice.  This challenge has helped me think about the things I have to be thankful for.  

Day 3 of 5.  Reasons to be Grateful!!

1. My friends I have not met in real life.  You all know who you are <3.  It's amazing how much support you all offer me. You all "know" me so well and yet most of you I have never met.  It's unfortunate that we all have something in common which has brought us together, infertility.  Thank you for the support over the last several years, I know I would have given up by now if it wasn't for all of you!!  

2. My Friends I know in real life. Many of you have known me most of my life.  Thank you for all the good times.  And for those I have known most of my life, thank you!!  I do not know how I would have survived my formative years without you!!  


3.  My bed!!  I am very tired right now and I am very excited to go to bed.  Now if I could only learn to go to bed at a decent time, maybe then I would be grateful for my alarm clock.  I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with my alarm clock until that time has come!!  

Monday, August 25, 2014

Grateful Day 2 of 5


Day 2, 3 things I'm grateful for:

This is a good time in my life for such a challenge.  I was having a difficult time and have not been feeling very positive or grateful. That being said, I have many things to be grateful for.

1. My Mom
She is always offering good advice and helping me out when I need it the most. Mom you are amazing! Thank you!
2. Family
We might be crazy, but I love our crazy lives. Who needs reality TV when my family is all the entertainment I need 
3. Having an amazing job!!!
I feel very valued where I work. I have good friends that are supportive and a good time!! A co-worker today said something that helped take my mind off of the seriousness of life, I laugh so hard I cried today. I needed a good laugh!!!

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Grateful Challenge... Day 1 of 5

I was just challenged by an old friend, , to post three things I'm grateful for, for 5 days. This may be a difficult task for me.  I think most days I’m ungrateful ;-) I figure, not only should I post on facebook I should also post here.

Day 1, 3 things I'm grateful for:
1.  Science!!
If it wasn't for science DH and I would not have the opportunity or option to ever carry a baby of our own.  Yes, there are other means to become parents, and people may not understand, but it's an important to us to experience a pregnancy.  I hope we someday get to experience it!! Today I feel one step closer
to that goal.  My follicle today is 13mm.  Yes it's growing slowly, but slow and steady wins the race!!

2. Supportive husband!
No matter how crazy my ideas are he goes along with them.  When necessary he pulls me from the clouds and I love him for it!

3.  My Pets!!
Frankie and Sammie are sweet, funny, and bring so much joy to our lives!!!

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Looking for Our Golden Egg


The current search for this cycle's golden egg is on!!  I have been on this search for sometime and am hoping that within these next three cycles we find a few golden eggs which will lead us to parenthood.  
I have had two follie checks and another is scheduled tomorrow.  
I am happy to announce that I’m making an EGG!!! My biggest fear, which is not responding at all, is being crushed!! I have one follicle on my right ovary that is looking promising. I have another on the left ovary--much smaller, it's looking like it will not develop into anything. But I'm feeling optimistic. I am not expecting a lot of eggs.  We are not greedy, just a few beautiful golden eggs that will developed into beautiful embryos and miracle babies!!  

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Infertility PTSD?



I thought of several different titles for today’s post.  “Date with the Vag Wand”; “Baseline Check”; “Let’s get this party started.”  After some thought, IF PTSD seems most appropriate.   Is IF PTSD a diagnosis?  If it is I have diagnosed myself with it.  How many people cry at their infertility appointments?  Some, but I have to guess not many. There are women who get knocked up via IVF on their first cycle or two. When you go in for your first cycle, it’s easy to maintain mostly optimistic throughout a cycle.  Well, this girl has a hard time holding it together at all of my appointments.  Today was a perfect example.

So far I’m less than optimistic. I’m not sure how someone can be optimistic after going through as many cycles as we have. This is officially our 6th attempt at IVF.  And this month marks our 6th year of TTC.  The cliff notes of our cycles so far:

12/08 IUI #1-BFN
~06/09 IUI #2-BFN
06/11 IVF #1-BFN
08/11 IVF #2-Canceled
~10/11 IVF #3- retrieved a non-viable egg
4/12 IVF #4- Chemical pregnancy
Financial break 2012-2014
02/14, 04/14 DE IVF/FET—Cycle #5- Chemical pregnancy
IVF w/DS—Cycle #6—to be determined. 

I want to be optimistic, I want this to work more than anything that I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.  I think that if I make eggs we have a good shot at this working.  As DH would say “keep your eye on the prize.”  But at this point he is far less optimistic then I am.  I wish that it wasn’t so freaking hard.  We have been through so much, so much more than most people TTC. 

My appointment today went fairly well.  That is, after about 15 minutes or so and two people when they were finally able to find my shriveled ovaries. I have no cysts and my lining looks good. So I got the green light to start clomid tomorrow and follistim on 8/20.  I did not want to know my AFC, so I didn't ask, because the last thing I need today is disappointment.

Sorry to be a bummer!!  I'm not really sure what I'm doing.  I hope I'm not just making a huge financial mistake, with nothing to show for it in the end.  


I hope I can change my attitude about this new plan.  Because it’s all I have control over in this process!!  

Friday, August 1, 2014

I love acupuncture!!!


Charlotte from "Sex and the City" didn't get give acupuncture justice.  It is one of my true joys in life and I only have treatments when I am going through IF treatments.  I called my acupuncturist the other day to set up an apt. in hopes to induce AF.  I really want AF to show up before I start stims.  I think it will be a better cycle if she shows up before I start stimulants. 

There are a small number of studies that indicate those who have acupuncture during IF treatments are more likely to find success.  Has it worked for me, not yet, but it does not hurt me and I enjoy it.  I encourage anyone going through IF treatment to give it a try.  I encourage those who have chronic pain or migraine headaches to give it a try.  

Yes, I primarily go so we have a greater chance for success conceiving.  But it has helped me in so many areas.  I have gone in with migraines, shoulder pain from a snowboarding injury, and it has helped me with my asthma tremendously.  


I had a very therapeutic treatment this evening and I am scheduled to have several others over the next few weeks!!  Hooray for the few pleasures I enjoy while cycling!!!!   

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Thankful





It is so difficult for me to remember the things to be thankful for at times.  I have spent the last 6 years hoping and praying for babies.  Sometimes I forget how truly amazing my life really is.  

Not long ago I asked DH to take the picture I sent him to brighten it up a little via an app he has on his phone and text it back to me. Well the above pic on the left is what he texted back.  The picture on the right was sent to me when I was working a night shift a little over a year ago of our fur babies.  


For me the two pictures above are very special.  I love our pets and I love my husband.  He is a good man and I hope that IF doesn't completely ruin our fun sides.  It takes a toll and changes a person forever.  I need to spend more time reflecting on all the things I have to be thankful.  It's not only the things these two picture represent.  


Our friends and family, especially our parents, have been very supportive of us and I hope we never lose their support!!  I cannot express how thankful I am for the online support I have of the ladies that are a part of a secret sorority that NO ONE wants to be a part of!!  Lastly, I am thankful for our cold blooded family as well.  DH has spent so much time building a sanctuary for us!!

We will continue to keep our eyes on the prize, but in the meantime I will continue to remind myself to keep my eyes open on the rest of our world.  It's not all about our infertility, even though there are days it feels like it, there is a life outside of it.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Estrogen Priming has begun!!!


My Nurse Practitioner emailed me 3 days ago letting me know she called in a RX for Estrace and to please start taking 4mg each night starting tonight. Luckily I was watching my email, as I was waiting to hear what the plan was going to be, estrogen, no estrogen and provera in a few weeks.  I'm so happy they decided on Estrogen priming!!  So it's on!!  I'm on my estrogen rampage :)  

I suppose I need to update everyone on what this plan is.  I really like our new plan and am super excited!! We are doing a 180 this time using my eggs this time and donor sperm. I have found the perfect sperm donor.  This change is because our RE feel that our problem appears to be more likely from DHs BT than my DOR.  It makes me sad that we cannot use both our DNA, but it has become about wanting to be parents and experience pregnancy, not about whose DNA was used to create the baby(ies)  

Since I respond so poorly we are doing three cycles, banking the embryos, with the third cycle we will transfer the best 1 or 2. We will be adding intralipids, neupogen wash, and heparin this time due to my two previous c/ps.

I expressed my concern of my anticipated poor response and fear of having nothing to transfer. My most recent FSH is 28, and the last time I cycled with my OE's it was 15, so it's nearly doubled and this scares me to death. Well, when I mentioned this to my NP and she had an epiphany. They recently had a couple donate two beautiful embryos. The embryos were developed from one of their in house egg donors and the couple’s sperm. She is going to check with my RE, and see if she’s OK if they save those embryos for us and transfer those if we have nothing after our third cycle.



I am in love with this new plan!!  I hope and pray that we find success with this new plan.  Since it was my birthday yesterday and all this has evolved over the last two weeks, I’m calling this my birthday present to myself.  This has to work.  I will be knocked up before we know what happened!!




Sunday, July 13, 2014

So Hard!!!



I wish people understood how hard it is to continue to try, and try, and try to get pregnant, when it's all you have ever wanted in your life is to be a mom. I never, ever thought ttc would be the most challenging thing I would have to face as an adult.  For me, this is so much harder than even experiencing the sudden loss of my older brother.  This statement is not to minimize others pain of family they have lost, it is how I feel. When we lost my brother 17 years ago, it was devastating to me, my family and especially my parents!  I cannot imagine my parent’s pain when this happened.  

I cannot explain why it's harder for me.  Maybe because it's not a typical loss.  It's a loss of a lifetime dream of being a mother. The dream of experiencing pregnancy with someone I love with all my heart.  It's a loss every.single.month when I start my period.  It's a loss I experience ever mother's day and father's day.  It's a loss every time someone posts an announcement on facebook, or instagram.  It's a loss every time I go to a baby shower.  It's everywhere!! 

I hope DH and I overcome this challenge in our lives. If there is a god out there that has some sort of influence on our lives, I hope he/she is listening and helps us become parents!! I am over this emotional roller-coaster. However, I know that I will never let go of our dream of being parents.  I hope our new plan is the answer and we get pregnant!  

Saturday, July 12, 2014

The Infertile and a Baby Shower


I have been to a lot of baby showers over the last 6 years. In the begging stages of TTC they gave me hope and something to look forward to.  For the last 4 years or so, they have been very hard for me to attend, but I do my best to put on my lipstick, and "fake it ‘till I make it."  Each baby shower is different, sometimes I hold it together, others I know it's obvious that I am having a hard time being there--I hate that I can't fake it that well. I know many infertiles steer clear of these events, send a gift and hope the person having the baby shower understands. For me, I go to the showers I want to be supportive to my friends and family who are now building their own.  I am truly happy for those who are able to build their family without spending thousands and thousands of dollars. However, inside, my heart is breaking, I do not understand why we were dealt these cards. I have mentioned in the past I do not believe "things happen for a reason." If I am wrong I hope I understand why we were dealt this crappy hand!! 

Today I am going to a baby shower for a good friend, one whom I have been friends since middle school.  I will go, put on my happy face and hope that if I cry I can play it off as happy tears.  I am grateful most of my friends drink, as I will be partaking in just enough alcohol that will help me feel warm and fuzzy, which will hopefully help me keep that smile on my face.

I can only keep faith that I'm in good hands at my infertility clinic.  I know I am in good hands, and I know they want us to be successful.  And one day I will be attending a baby shower for mine and Whistler's baby.

Monday, June 9, 2014

The infertile infertile

The infertile infertile.  That is how I feel these days.  Why can't we have babies like normal people? Why do we have to endure so much heartache? Were we not meant to have children?  I'm not sure if either of us could have kids if we were with other people without any reproductive challenges.  The thing is, I do not believe things happen for a reason.  I have not believed this for a really long time.  Kids born to shitty parents did not happen for a reason, it's just because shitty things happen sometimes!


We are infertile infertiles.  We cannot get knocked up with IVF or DE. Will DS and my eggs be the answer? Are we just throwing away more money?  Should we skip the DS IVF and do a DS/DE cycle?  We are young, we are successful, we are generally healthy and yet we can't do something normal, healthy, young people should be able to do.  I feel helpless and alone. I wish someone could tell us the answers and say they knew how to help us.  If I count all the cycles we have started, we are moving onto IVF #6.  I never thought it was going to be this hard.  

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Yet another diagnosis

It's confirmed, I have endometriosis. The good news is it's only mild, it's not on my ovaries, therefore not the cause of my DOR. The bad news is DH said (in his mind), it further confirms all our failed cycles are his fault. It makes me cry that he thinks it's his fault. 

I have tried to explain this to him.  I tried to explain that endo causes implantation failure regardless of the stage. He will not hear it.  He thinks all our failure to this point are his fault.  This crushes me.  He is not the only one with infertility.  It is both of us.  I have several diagnoses, including borderline NK cells.  All of these factors have led to us being unsuccessful. It's not just him and it's not just me. We will beat this!  We will slap IF in the face!!  


We will follow up a week from tomorrow and talk about our next steps.  I emailed my RE a protocol I'd like to try since it's looking like we are going to use my eggs.  She thanked me for emailing her this protocol. She seems open to trying it. I will know for sure at the follow up. 

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Infertility on Mothers Day

Infertility is especially difficult on Mother's Day.  I cannot wait for this holiday to be over!  I wish I could run away from reality during this time of year.  Let's be honest, I wish I could run away during any holiday, first days of school, last days of school, etc.  

My heart has been aching recently, but I have not shed many tears, as I have become numb.  Infertility has ruined me.  I'm not the person I was before IF.  I used to be a fun person to be around.  I try, but I cannot let go of the fact that I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother.  There has never been a time in my life where I have thought I would be OK living child free.  

In addition to everything, it has caused us a huge amount of stress, as we have taken out a significant loan from our last cycle. We are living paycheck to paycheck, I don't know what we will do if we have to spend money on an unexpected expense. It hurts I have to pay a bill every month towards a loan payment that was supposed to help us bring home a baby. We are not any closer to being parents than we were before we did our last cycle.  

I feel like we are coming to an end of the road.  I feel like a failure!!  I am not ready for our road to end.  I want to be a mom.  DH would be an amazing father. 
 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Where do we fit in?

I feel like we do not fit in with those who have children.  I do not feel like we fit in with those who do not have kids, as most of my friends who don’t are either pregnant or they do not want children or are single and are not thinking about having  them.  I just feel like it may never happen for us. It makes me sad. When will it be our turn?  

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Firsts

Things  I hope to one day (hopefully sooner than later) experience.

The first REAL BFP.  I'm not talking about the barely there line you have to squint to see, but dark double lines I can see in the dark.

My first ultrasound with a baby or two on the screen with flickering heart beat(s).

The first time someone I know asks me if  I'm pregnant and I am.

The first time I feel a baby kick in my belly.

The first time DH feels that baby kick from the outside.

Witnessing the first breaths and loud cries (screams)

The first bath

The first night of no sleep and not as a Registered nurse working through the night, but as a mom.

There are so many firsts I hope DH and I will have the opportunity experience.  I pray to a god I'm not sure is there anymore.  How long is it going to take? I am running out of patience, DH is too. 




Sunday, April 13, 2014

“Swimming Against the Current”


I know, I know, I thought I’d be able to continue to blog during my DE cycle.  It was too difficult.  It started out as the perfect cycle.  Our Donor responded amazingly.  Our day 3 embryos were beautiful, fast forward two days catastrophe struck. Our RE called and out of our 15 embryos, 6 that were text book perfect on day 3, we did not have any blasts to biopsy on day 5.  Needless to say were devastated. Luckily overnight we had 4 embryos continue to develop and expanded to blast.  Out of those 4 we had one Normal embryo, which we transferred. This is our beautiful hatching blast.



Our $30K cycle, which was supposed to work was a BIG FAT FAIL. WTF?  We cannot catch a break.  Our normal embryo attempted to implant, but ultimately didn’t survive, another c/p. 

At our WTF apt, we discussed why it didn’t work.  Our RE does not know why a normal embryo did not stick, except that 50% of normal embryos do not stick and out of that 50% 25% will be lost.  This cycle was much like the last cycle with my OE’s.  Yes, we started out with a lot fewer eggs, but our embryo looked good on day 3, by day 5 it had fallen behind, and then it expanded by day 6 to an expanded blast.  What does this mean?  We have unexplained MFI.  Yes, we knew at the beginning of this cycle DH had a BT.  However, statistically those who have BT their embryos still look good and it is not determined they are abnormal until the PDG results indicate they are abnormal.  It was also determined I may have endometriosis.   So I will have a laparoscopy next month to confirm the diagnosis.  If I in fact have endo this may explain my unexplained DOR and implantation failures. In addition to everything already mentioned, my RE re-evaluated the results of my NK cells drawn at SIRM, several were borderline.  

Our options: Another DE IVF with PDG, DS iui, DE/DS IVF, or embryo adoption.  What we are planning.  DS iui, as our RE feels the better indicator for women with DOR is age and not ovarian reserve.  Therefore she thinks we should attempt a few DS IUI’s.  Depending on the lap results she may incorporate intralipids into our protocol due to my borderline NK cell results and my history of failed cycles and c/p’s. 

Last night DH and I were driving home from a family wedding.  We started talking about our future cycle(s).  DH mentioned he felt like we were swimming against the current and he was getting to the point where he is ready to stop swimming against it and to start floating down stream instead of fighting. Later in the conversation he stated he was grateful that I was the motorboat making it easier to fight the force of the current.   

I’m not sure how much more we have in us to continue to move forward.  What I do know is I’m not ready to give up and I’m not sure if I will ever be ready to give up.  I’m not sure what I believe anymore, but I pray and I hope there is a higher-power listening and helps us become parents.