“Swimming Against the Current”

I know, I know, I thought I’d be able to continue to blog during my DE cycle.  It was too difficult.  It started out as the perfect cycle.  Our Donor responded amazingly.  Our day 3 embryos were beautiful, fast forward two days catastrophe struck. Our RE called and out of our 15 embryos, 6 that were text book perfect on day 3, we did not have any blasts to biopsy on day 5.  Needless to say were devastated. Luckily overnight we had 4 embryos continue to develop and expanded to blast.  Out of those 4 we had one Normal embryo, which we transferred. This is our beautiful hatching blast.

Our $30K cycle, which was supposed to work was a BIG FAT FAIL. WTF?  We cannot catch a break.  Our normal embryo attempted to implant, but ultimately didn’t survive, another c/p. 

At our WTF apt, we discussed why it didn’t work.  Our RE does not know why a normal embryo did not stick, except that 50% of normal embryos do not stick and out of that 50% 25% will be lost.  This cycle was much like the last cycle with my OE’s.  Yes, we started out with a lot fewer eggs, but our embryo looked good on day 3, by day 5 it had fallen behind, and then it expanded by day 6 to an expanded blast.  What does this mean?  We have unexplained MFI.  Yes, we knew at the beginning of this cycle DH had a BT.  However, statistically those who have BT their embryos still look good and it is not determined they are abnormal until the PDG results indicate they are abnormal.  It was also determined I may have endometriosis.   So I will have a laparoscopy next month to confirm the diagnosis.  If I in fact have endo this may explain my unexplained DOR and implantation failures. In addition to everything already mentioned, my RE re-evaluated the results of my NK cells drawn at SIRM, several were borderline.  

Our options: Another DE IVF with PDG, DS iui, DE/DS IVF, or embryo adoption.  What we are planning.  DS iui, as our RE feels the better indicator for women with DOR is age and not ovarian reserve.  Therefore she thinks we should attempt a few DS IUI’s.  Depending on the lap results she may incorporate intralipids into our protocol due to my borderline NK cell results and my history of failed cycles and c/p’s. 

Last night DH and I were driving home from a family wedding.  We started talking about our future cycle(s).  DH mentioned he felt like we were swimming against the current and he was getting to the point where he is ready to stop swimming against it and to start floating down stream instead of fighting. Later in the conversation he stated he was grateful that I was the motorboat making it easier to fight the force of the current.   

I’m not sure how much more we have in us to continue to move forward.  What I do know is I’m not ready to give up and I’m not sure if I will ever be ready to give up.  I’m not sure what I believe anymore, but I pray and I hope there is a higher-power listening and helps us become parents.