Thursday, May 17, 2012

My WTF.... And the one thing I know for sure!

My WTF really didn't help my find clarity of what or how I should move forward from here.  I disparately would like my own biological child.  Why can I not get over this.  The only DE option and offer I only took seriously was my sister's and when she backed out I was determined I would get pregnant with my OE's.

As time has past and three and a half IVF's later I am not pregnant.  My RE still believes that I can get ku with my OE's, but it may not be with the next IVF and maybe not the one after that.  When does one get to a point to move on?  Do I need therapy to get to this place?  I have so many wonderful people, friends and family that have offered to donate.  I do not think I could take an egg(s) from a friend, but I have amazing cousins that would be wonderful choices, all I have to do is say the word!  Even if I were to take the leap, conquer whatever fear it is from making this decision it would be at least 6 mo to a year before DH and I could even afford to cycle again.  Why is it a fear? Why do I feel that it is something I have to conquer? Why am I letting IF define me?

My RE does not feel I need anymore testing to determine if my body is rejecting the embryo.  He feels that DE will be a success for us the first time.  He spent a lot of the conversation discussing why I would be a perfect DE candidate, and in the back of my mind, I ekpt thinking that nothing is for sure, so how can you say that.

What I know for sure is Dh and are not ready to give up on being parents.  I will have more treatments, I'm just not positive if we will move forward with my egg or a donor's.


Monday, May 14, 2012

"Childless Mother"

Here is a poem for those of us who are "Childless mothers"

Childless Mother
by Louise C. Taylor
Copyright 1997

I am a childless mother.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
Where there should be squeals and laughter
There is nothing but mind-numbing silence.
And look, there, in the corner sitting idly,
Waiting, is a child's rocker, my rocker-
The rocker that I used to sit in and imagine
Rocking my baby instead of just a doll.
And I realize, that as empty as that rocker seems,
My arms feel even heavier with the emptiness.
How can emptiness feel so heavy?
That emptiness carries my broken dreams,
My disappointments, my resentment.
Flutterby kisses never shared,
Laughter never heard,
Tears never brushed away
All weigh more than a child ever will.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
I am a childless mother.


Friday, May 11, 2012

I am happy for them, I am! (Warning... another depressing post)

This last week I have had two really close, amazing friends have babies.  I am happy for them, I really am.  I just don't understand why I could not be celebrating with them.  Had IVF 2.2 I would have been due around the same time as them.

Today to make things worse, while I was at work and another close friend asked if I could talk, the second worst sentences to an IF's ears, the worst sentence follows "I'm pregnant".  I am happy for my friends!  Had IVF #3 would have worked I would be due the same month as her.  Why not me?  When will it be me?  I know I will be a mom.  I just do not understand why it has to be so hard?