Taking a Break

I looked at the male and female donor profiles for the donated embryos my clinic had tagged for us.  I have some concerns, and its something I didn't think about until I received the profiles.  My main concern is that I have had failed embryo transfers in the past, one of which we know was chromosomally normal.  I think it may take more than one transfer to find success.  In addition, more than anything we want our children to be siblings genetically and the chances of that with only 2 embryos is very slim.

DH and I have put a lot of thought into this, and I am not going to lie, I’m having a really hard time.  I feel really ungrateful and selfish that the embryos do not feel like a good match.  I have asked that they keep us on the list for donated embryos. Maybe another batch will come our way that feels like a better match.

The hubs and I had a really good conversation and decided to put our plans for cycling on hold for the next few months until we pay off some debt.  I’m thinking things will look a lot better in the next few months for us emotionally and financially.  I do not want to put things on hold, but I’m not in the right state of mind to cycle.

Maybe once I am back to my old-self we will be financially in a place to consider DE/DS again.  

Decisions, decisions...

My follow-up appointment went well. We really didn't discussed what went wrong. Frankly don’t care what went wrong, because it will not change my decision to move away from doing a cycle using our own eggs or own sperm. We discussed what our best chance of success would be. She was very clear that she is concerned for a shared DE cycle because we only get half the eggs even with the use of donor sperm that will decrease our change for success, but we would have a slightly better chance than donor embryo. She gave us a 65% chance of success for donor embryo with the embryos they have set aside for us as they were created from donor eggs, great quality, and frozen via verification. She actually thinks that traditional Donor egg cycle using donor sperm will give us the greatest changes for success, 75%. I explained that the cost for a traditional donor egg cycle using donor sperm is our biggest obstacle for this route. My RE proposed a discounted cycle for a traditional DE cycle using donor sperm since I am a returning patient. This is why I like this clinic. They are incredibly generous and want us to have the success as much as we want it for ourselves. 

DH and I discussed our options last night about our plans moving forward. He likes the idea of Donor Embryos, for a few reasons, #1 cost, #2 the embryos are already blastocysts so we do not have to worry about the possibility of poor quality embryos. I’m leaning toward DE/DS, because I cannot bear the thought of another failed cycle, and that 10% difference in success, gives me some comfort. I’m not concerned about getting poor quality embryos if both DE and DS are proven donors. We have a lot to think about and more discussion to get on the same page.

Taken a turn for the worst

Unfortunately my update is depressing. I swear god is punishing us for something we've done in a previous life. Our embryo is an early blastocyst, graded a C.  We are going to wait overnight and watch the progression.  Our embryo does not meet their typical criteria for freeze. Unless the embryo arrests overnight we will freeze it anyway. That being said DH and I are talking about our next steps. We are done with my eggs and his sperm. We leaning toward a shared DE cycle using DS. I have no idea how we are going to pay for it. I like the idea of embryo adoption, but I want the best chance possible and since donated embryos come from other infertile couples it decreases the chances for success.  We are going to look into all the options.  I'm going to see what the price will be for a shared DE cycle using DS.  If it's reasonable we may go that route.  I like the idea of picking our donors.  There is so much we cannot control in this process, I want to have some control.  That is part of the reason I haven't looked more into donor embryo and a program out of the State that create their own embryos with donor eggs and sperm.  Money may dictate the route we take.  I wish there was an easy straight forward answer.

Rotten Egg

Update on my cycle- My cycle is officially cancelled, as my E2 level has dropped and my follicle stopped growing.  My RE has talked me into trying one last time using testosterone priming and staying on the list for embryo adoption since we are at the "top of the list."

I'm really not hopeful and I'm not sure if EA is the answer either.  I'm so over this.  I feel so alone, it is so, so hard face cancellation every.single.cycle. and every.single.appointment. It’s so hard feeling like I am one of the most infertiles of the really infertiles.  I have been passed up so many times over the years that even the other vets are lapping me. 

I'm so pissed we didn't use DS with our DE cycle. I'm pissed that we were not told that with BT the chances were not good!! FML!!  We have been out of the money to cycle for a long time now.  The cost of paying out of pocket for a total of 6 attempts at IVF/DE cycles has broken us mentally and financially!  I am officially crazy for trying TPP/EPP.  I hope I do not end up in a psych ward from a full mental break down.