what I have done, what I am willing to do to be a mom.

I have opened my mind to alternative treatments some bazaar, a few old-wives tails, etc. hoping that these would be the magical missing piece of our puzzle to help us become parents.  I had been going to acupuncture, reiki, reflexology, I have taken supplements in order improve egg quality, drank pomegranate juice, and made shakes with a pineapple core and none of these things were the missing pieces of our puzzle.  I have been open to these alternative therapies, knowing that we do not know everything, and what if, what if one of these therapies and treatments worked.  Well it didn't.  I am still willing to do anything if it would guarantee pregnancy, a Whistler and Mindy baby. 

Sometimes I think I am crazy!  I have been brainstorming ways to help us come up the money so we are able to move forward with more IF treatments/IVF's.  I have been thinking about talking to DH into selling our house, and moving into an apartment.  I know we would save so much money.  I can only imagine how much easier it would be to afford more IF treatments.  

Maybe we could do staggering 3 or 4 ivf's, freezing the one or two embryos we are able to make with each cycle and do pdg/chg to determine which embryos are genetically competent to transfer.  I even thought if we did this I could maybe, just maybe talk to my sister and have her donate her eggs with one of these staggering IVF's and freeze those embryo's, move forward  with an FET and no one would know whose eggs/embryo's were used.  I'm not sure if I could talk her, her husband or my husband into this possibly irrational idea.  

I am afraid to bring up the subject with DH at this time.  I am so scared he will not be open to my crazy ideas.  I know I am having irrational thoughts. Maybe I should see a therapist, I have been thinking about this for some time.  Even if my ideas are irrational, I think I should share them with DH.  He knows me better than anyone, and he will either help me overcome my crazy thoughts or let me know they may not be so crazy.  

The thing is, I want to be a mom.  I want to see what our babies will look like.  I want to experience pregnancy.  I know that this is selfish, there are many kids that need parents, but this is an innate feeling I have and I’m not sure if I able to overcome this feeling.  I am not closing the door on adoption; I'm just not ready to take this step, so the door is just not completely open yet.