Day 3 Embryology Report-Baby's First Report Card

We have a reason to celebrate.  

One of the nurses called today to report that our embryo is right on track.  We have an amazing little 8 cell, zero fragmentation fighter!!  It is perfect! Right on track and doing well.  I’m so freaking happy.  I will take in all the small achievements I can during this painful process.

Now we wait, impatiently for the next few days.   Saturday we will learn if we have a blastocyst and make it to freeze.

I'm feeling very optimistic about things.  This is the first time, in a long time that I have felt this way. I was pleased to hear the embryology report today and hope for an equally positive report Saturday. 

Fertilization report…

1 egg retrieved, 1 egg mature and ICSI’d, 1 egg fertilized!!! 

We have an embryo!!  And now I pray that this embryo thrives, thrives and grows to blastocyst, that this embryo is of excellent quality, and frozen to wait for transfer time, to snuggle into my ute. 

I feel very calm at this point.  I have hope that we will find success.  

"The Fire"

A lot has gone on since last Wednesday.  No I'm not pregnant.  My follicle continued to progress, I triggered with HCG just after Midnight on Sunday Morning and I went in for retrieval today.  My clinic has you pee on a stick (POAS) to test out the trigger before going in for retrieval.  Since it's rare for me to see two lines I had to take a picture of it, because who knows when I will see two lines again.    

On the way to my retrieval DH and I were listening to the radio and a song came on by my most loved Hip Hop band, The Roots!!  The song was perfect!  “The Fire.”  I have listened to this song a million times in my life, but today it was different.  DH pointed out that the song describes me, “You don't say good luck, you say don't give up, It's the fire, inside you.” It definitely set a good mood for the day.

I went in for the retrieval of my lone follie. I ordered our sperm, and it arrived Saturday.  Everything was falling into place.  The retrieval went well! They talked me into doing it without anesthesia, it wasn't bad at all.  I was still kind of out of it from the two pain pills they gave me and the Valium.  I found it no more painful than a pap smear. I received a call from my RE late this afternoon.  The egg was mature, they preformed ICSI on my egg (Injected the sperm into my egg).  They will call tomorrow with a fertilization report! We are doing embryo banking, so I have two more cycles before transfer. I have an appointment scheduled on Monday to discuss my next steps.  I feel very calm about everything that has happened over the last several days.  

I have had my ups and downs, but today I feel good.  I think DH feels good.  He has been in a very good mood today.  I know that we both still want this to work so badly, and we finally feel that we are a step closer to our goal today than we have been in a long time!! 

I'm Fine!

I wish I knew how to pretend to be fine.  I can't!  I know it's a cliché, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I am working on letting things go.  I have "Hope" that one day our dreams will come true. But pretending to be O.K. would be a lie to myself and everyone else.

Today, day 8 of stims, did not show much improvement from my last scan.  I cried.  I had such high hopes for this cycle, starting with a better AFC than my last cycle.  Maybe the U/S tech was wrong, maybe there were not antrial follicles on my Left Ovary. It really doesn't matter.  What matters is that I can get through the next few days without losing all hope.  That I do not let doubt overcome me.  I need to remember that being upset does not help the situation.  

One day this will all be a distant nightmare.  I will look back and I'll tell myself that every dollar, shot, bruise, heartache, and tears were all worth it!!  

Defeating Doubt

This is how I felt yesterday.  After 6 days on  Stims my ovaries have been less than cooperative.  The 3 antrial follicles that were on my left ovary do not appear that they want to grow. The weird thing is I have two follicles on the right, which are on the small side that have decided to make an appearance. 

Needless to say  was not very optimistic about this cycle.  Ready to give up.  What a difference a good nights sleep will do.  I woke up, determined to not let this get me down.  I will not let doubt get in the way of our dreams! This will work!!  I have to make it to retrieval!!

Another follicle scan is tomorrow!!  FX the O's decide to wake the eff up!!

HOPE... There you are my long lost friend!

This is how one who is infertile conceives a child. These medications are worth their weight in gold.  :) 

There are several reasons why this cycle will end up in retrieval. 

1. Today is the day I started stims.  And today is my late brother, Jason’s birthday.  He and I were very close.  He would be turning 37 today.  However he will forever be 19 years old.  I miss him, my family misses him, but I know he’s watching over us, helping us through life.  At least I think he is. 
2. Today was my baseline.  I know that this number isn’t great, that being said it’s the best it’s been in at least 5 years.  Drum roll please….  My Left ovary has follicles, it gets better, I have THREE!!  My right ovary, however is being a dud this cycle.  It looked pretty quiet.  But I cannot be unhappy, an AFC of 3 is really a good number for me, as I have NEVER had more than 2eggs retrieved.  I’m not going to lie I cried.  It was not a sad cry, but a HAPPY cry.  The Cry of hope.  One that I had lost a long time ago. 
3. My retrieval will be taking place around Halloween.  Why does this equal equate to a successful cycle?  As some of you may remember, had I not had a Chemical Pregnancy my last cycle, I would be delivering a baby.   This may be a coincidence, but it makes me think that our baby is out there and wants to join our lives here on earth.  This baby wants to be here as much as we want it to be here! 

 

I’m am going to consciously making an effort to remain positive this cycle.  I will laugh, DH and I will spend more quality time with each other.  Who knows maybe I’ll cook him dinner.  He’ll think it’s a holiday!! LOL.  I just want to be happy, stay happy, and remain positive that THIS IS GOING TO WORK!! 

"I think I See You"

I have found comfort in music many times throughout my life.  There are many songs right now that give me comfort while ttc. The one that is providing me with the most comfort is

"Sky Full Of Stars" by Coldplay

Why is a song about love and love falling apart providing me comfort?

Infertility is love, love of a child that is not here on earth.  One that is not in our arms.  There are times I want to break up with Infertility.  I want to give up and hope that we can live a life, a happy life, without kids.  But, when I look into the stars I know that there is a baby that is waiting to become a part of our family.  For me  the lyrics hold true.

 "Cause in a sky, cause in a sky full of stars...  I think I see you" 

Making a Change

What does one do when she cannot control everything? 

…She finds things she can control. 

I haven't been feeling super good about myself and decided I needed to make a change.  Yep, I cut off my hair.  There is something beautiful about getting a new hairdo.  I needed something to help my attitude. 

A hair cut is only a temporary feel good.  So I have also been working on other things to improve my attitude.  I have been taking a mindful meditation class and I work out twice a week.  Well I have made a promise to myself.  I am going to start working out every morning for 30 minutes and I am going to start mediating at least 15 minutes at night.  In addition I will be meeting up with a friend at least once a week for tea.  I will be spending more time playing with my pets.  Lastly, I will unplug for a few hours each evening and spend quality time with my husband. 

I cannot control anything with my IF, but I can control other things in my life, and I’m going to start with making myself happy.    

"The Mindy Project"

As most of you know, we're very open about our infertility struggles.  Sometimes too much.  Yes, I know I over share.  I think know it's important for people to be aware that trying to conceive is not as easy as it may seem for a lot of couples.  My hope is that I can help others who are in the beginning stages of infertility, and help them not make the mistakes we made. I know that I have been able to direct a few of my friends in real life the steps to take and I hope to help more people. 

Our update:  Last week I received the first month of my calendar.  I've been on estrogen since last Thursday and Testosterone started Sunday. I emailed my nurse about an antibiotic clarification and she replied back "Dr. G’s notes were very clear that you would start the zpack now. I agree that it is unusual but she has set up a special Mindy special protocol." I feel pretty special that I have my own "special protocol” 

The other day I was "over sharing" to one of my co-workers about our next steps and telling her I felt honored that I have my own special protocol.  She wittingly called it "The Mindy Project."  I have never watched an episode of "The Mindy Project,” but I'm happy to steal borrow its name for for my new protocol.  

I hope that the "The Mindy Project" brings us the child we are in love with, but haven't met.  I know we have a chance of this happening if I make it to retrieval.  Now we just need divine intervention. I hope this protocol is our answer!!  

   

Rotten Egg

Update on my cycle- My cycle is officially cancelled, as my E2 level has dropped and my follicle stopped growing.  My RE has talked me into trying one last time using testosterone priming and staying on the list for embryo adoption since we are at the "top of the list."

I'm really not hopeful and I'm not sure if EA is the answer either.  I'm so over this.  I feel so alone, it is so, so hard face cancellation every.single.cycle. and every.single.appointment. It’s so hard feeling like I am one of the most infertiles of the really infertiles.  I have been passed up so many times over the years that even the other vets are lapping me. 

I'm so pissed we didn't use DS with our DE cycle. I'm pissed that we were not told that with BT the chances were not good!! FML!!  We have been out of the money to cycle for a long time now.  The cost of paying out of pocket for a total of 6 attempts at IVF/DE cycles has broken us mentally and financially!  I am officially crazy for trying TPP/EPP.  I hope I do not end up in a psych ward from a full mental break down.

Day 4, 3 things I'm Grateful For

1. I will am eternally grateful for the hide option on Facebook. Some days it’s easier if I can just “hide” things I do not want to see. Those who are infertile understand this all too well.  Another pregnancy announcement, ultrasound picture, or bump picture, or daily update on how horrible it is to be pregnant, it's comforting to hide those posts!!  I wish I had a hide button in real life. That would be awesome!!

2. Good Health! As I start am starting to work PRN on the weekends for Home Health again, it has reminded me how much I enjoy working with patients. It has also reminded me that I need to be grateful that my health, in general, is good!

3. Comedy! I love a good laugh. I need to laugh more, it’s essential for my mental health.

Day 3, 3 things I'm grateful for:

I am finding this challenge to be very difficult today.  Part of the reason for this is that I'm feeling a little discouraged today.  

I had another Follicle scan and my one follicle is progressing, 14.5 mm today.  I was not expecting a lot of follicles this cycle, as I have never had more than 2 retrieved, but in my heart I hoped that I would respond better with the low dose stim protocol. For those who are not familiar with how many eggs are retrieved via ivf, the average is about 12.  However I have seen numbers more than double that.  A point of reference was our DE cycle where 30 eggs were retrieved, and here I am in my early thirties unable to develop more than one.  I guess all I can do now is hope that the lower dose of stims will create a really good quality egg. This is my 6th cycle; I have to remain positive, because I have no other choice.  This challenge has helped me think about the things I have to be thankful for.  

Day 3 of 5.  Reasons to be Grateful!!

1. My friends I have not met in real life.  You all know who you are <3.  It's amazing how much support you all offer me. You all "know" me so well and yet most of you I have never met.  It's unfortunate that we all have something in common which has brought us together, infertility.  Thank you for the support over the last several years, I know I would have given up by now if it wasn't for all of you!!  

2. My Friends I know in real life. Many of you have known me most of my life.  Thank you for all the good times.  And for those I have known most of my life, thank you!!  I do not know how I would have survived my formative years without you!!  

3.  My bed!!  I am very tired right now and I am very excited to go to bed.  Now if I could only learn to go to bed at a decent time, maybe then I would be grateful for my alarm clock.  I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with my alarm clock until that time has come!!  

Grateful Day 2 of 5

Day 2, 3 things I'm grateful for:

This is a good time in my life for such a challenge.  I was having a difficult time and have not been feeling very positive or grateful. That being said, I have many things to be grateful for.

1. My Mom

She is always offering good advice and helping me out when I need it the most. Mom you are amazing! Thank you!

2. Family

We might be crazy, but I love our crazy lives. Who needs reality TV when my family is all the entertainment I need 

3. Having an amazing job!!!

I feel very valued where I work. I have good friends that are supportive and a good time!! A co-worker today said something that helped take my mind off of the seriousness of life, I laugh so hard I cried today. I needed a good laugh!!!

Grateful Challenge... Day 1 of 5

I was just challenged by an old friend, , to post three things I'm grateful for, for 5 days. This may be a difficult task for me.  I think most days I’m ungrateful ;-) I figure, not only should I post on facebook I should also post here.

Day 1, 3 things I'm grateful for:
1.  Science!!
If it wasn't for science DH and I would not have the opportunity or option to ever carry a baby of our own.  Yes, there are other means to become parents, and people may not understand, but it's an important to us to experience a pregnancy.  I hope we someday get to experience it!! Today I feel one step closer
to that goal.  My follicle today is 13mm.  Yes it's growing slowly, but slow and steady wins the race!!

2. Supportive husband!
No matter how crazy my ideas are he goes along with them.  When necessary he pulls me from the clouds and I love him for it!

3.  My Pets!!
Frankie and Sammie are sweet, funny, and bring so much joy to our lives!!!

Looking for Our Golden Egg

The current search for this cycle's golden egg is on!!  I have been on this search for sometime and am hoping that within these next three cycles we find a few golden eggs which will lead us to parenthood.  

I have had two follie checks and another is scheduled tomorrow.  

I am happy to announce that I’m making an EGG!!! My biggest fear, which is not responding at all, is being crushed!! I have one follicle on my right ovary that is looking promising. I have another on the left ovary--much smaller, it's looking like it will not develop into anything. But I'm feeling optimistic. I am not expecting a lot of eggs.  We are not greedy, just a few beautiful golden eggs that will developed into beautiful embryos and miracle babies!!  

Infertility PTSD?

I thought of several different titles for today’s post.  “Date with the Vag Wand”; “Baseline Check”; “Let’s get this party started.”  After some thought, IF PTSD seems most appropriate.   Is IF PTSD a diagnosis?  If it is I have diagnosed myself with it.  How many people cry at their infertility appointments?  Some, but I have to guess not many. There are women who get knocked up via IVF on their first cycle or two. When you go in for your first cycle, it’s easy to maintain mostly optimistic throughout a cycle.  Well, this girl has a hard time holding it together at all of my appointments.  Today was a perfect example.

So far I’m less than optimistic. I’m not sure how someone can be optimistic after going through as many cycles as we have. This is officially our 6^th attempt at IVF.  And this month marks our 6^th year of TTC.  The cliff notes of our cycles so far:

12/08 IUI #1-BFN

~06/09 IUI #2-BFN

06/11 IVF #1-BFN

08/11 IVF #2-Canceled

~10/11 IVF #3- retrieved a non-viable egg

4/12 IVF #4- Chemical pregnancy

Financial break 2012-2014

02/14, 04/14 DE IVF/FET—Cycle #5- Chemical pregnancy

IVF w/DS—Cycle #6—to be determined. 

I want to be optimistic, I want this to work more than anything that I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.  I think that if I make eggs we have a good shot at this working.  As DH would say “keep your eye on the prize.”  But at this point he is far less optimistic then I am.  I wish that it wasn’t so freaking hard.  We have been through so much, so much more than most people TTC. 

My appointment today went fairly well.  That is, after about 15 minutes or so and two people when they were finally able to find my shriveled ovaries. I have no cysts and my lining looks good. So I got the green light to start clomid tomorrow and follistim on 8/20.  I did not want to know my AFC, so I didn't ask, because the last thing I need today is disappointment.

Sorry to be a bummer!!  I'm not really sure what I'm doing.  I hope I'm not just making a huge financial mistake, with nothing to show for it in the end.  

I hope I can change my attitude about this new plan.  Because it’s all I have control over in this process!!  

Estrogen Priming has begun!!!

My Nurse Practitioner emailed me 3 days ago letting me know she called in a RX for Estrace and to please start taking 4mg each night starting tonight. Luckily I was watching my email, as I was waiting to hear what the plan was going to be, estrogen, no estrogen and provera in a few weeks.  I'm so happy they decided on Estrogen priming!!  So it's on!!  I'm on my estrogen rampage :)  

I suppose I need to update everyone on what this plan is.  I really like our new plan and am super excited!! We are doing a 180 this time using my eggs this time and donor sperm. I have found the perfect sperm donor.  This change is because our RE feel that our problem appears to be more likely from DHs BT than my DOR.  It makes me sad that we cannot use both our DNA, but it has become about wanting to be parents and experience pregnancy, not about whose DNA was used to create the baby(ies)  

Since I respond so poorly we are doing three cycles, banking the embryos, with the third cycle we will transfer the best 1 or 2. We will be adding intralipids, neupogen wash, and heparin this time due to my two previous c/ps.

I expressed my concern of my anticipated poor response and fear of having nothing to transfer. My most recent FSH is 28, and the last time I cycled with my OE's it was 15, so it's nearly doubled and this scares me to death. Well, when I mentioned this to my NP and she had an epiphany. They recently had a couple donate two beautiful embryos. The embryos were developed from one of their in house egg donors and the couple’s sperm. She is going to check with my RE, and see if she’s OK if they save those embryos for us and transfer those if we have nothing after our third cycle.

I am in love with this new plan!!  I hope and pray that we find success with this new plan.  Since it was my birthday yesterday and all this has evolved over the last two weeks, I’m calling this my birthday present to myself.  This has to work.  I will be knocked up before we know what happened!!