Donor Egg Cycle Turn of Events

I cannot believe that I am typing this.  I have so much to share since my last update.  As you all know I was devastated about the donor backing out.  There were so many reasons why I have a strong feeling that this particular donor is the one to help me and W become parents.  While I knew that perhaps I would find another suitable donor, I felt that it could not hurt to ask my RE to forward an email to the donor telling her a little about our TTC history and asked if she could reconsider donating to us.  My RE had the email passed onto the donor.  The donor responded saying that she would love to help us.  That being said she asked if we would be willing to wait to cycle in May.  May would be perfect, yes I was hoping to cycle sooner, but a break from TTC was needed and necessary for mine and W's mental health.

I emailed the donor coordinator last week to be sure that everything was set up as planned, she emailed me back, and what do you know?  She said the egg donor wanted to move the cycle up a month, and if we were open to it I could start meds as early as this week.  OMG!!  I talked with W's he said lets do it.  Here we are Saturday, March 21, 2015 day 1 of Lupron!!  I cannot believe I'm cycling again.

I feel so much peace about this cycle.  I have so much hope.  Hope is a dangerous feeling for those who have had difficulty ttc.  But I will embrace this feeling, at least for now.  I know there will be times during this cycle that I will not have this feeling.  I will look at myself in the mirror and remind myself, that this donor, one of the most proven donors my clinic has ever had, produces an unreal number of eggs and even more important high quality embryos.  If for some reason it doesn't work out, I have comfort that I will have more than enough embryos frozen for another cycle.

Decisions, decisions...

My follow-up appointment went well. We really didn't discussed what went wrong. Frankly don’t care what went wrong, because it will not change my decision to move away from doing a cycle using our own eggs or own sperm. We discussed what our best chance of success would be. She was very clear that she is concerned for a shared DE cycle because we only get half the eggs even with the use of donor sperm that will decrease our change for success, but we would have a slightly better chance than donor embryo. She gave us a 65% chance of success for donor embryo with the embryos they have set aside for us as they were created from donor eggs, great quality, and frozen via verification. She actually thinks that traditional Donor egg cycle using donor sperm will give us the greatest changes for success, 75%. I explained that the cost for a traditional donor egg cycle using donor sperm is our biggest obstacle for this route. My RE proposed a discounted cycle for a traditional DE cycle using donor sperm since I am a returning patient. This is why I like this clinic. They are incredibly generous and want us to have the success as much as we want it for ourselves. 

DH and I discussed our options last night about our plans moving forward. He likes the idea of Donor Embryos, for a few reasons, #1 cost, #2 the embryos are already blastocysts so we do not have to worry about the possibility of poor quality embryos. I’m leaning toward DE/DS, because I cannot bear the thought of another failed cycle, and that 10% difference in success, gives me some comfort. I’m not concerned about getting poor quality embryos if both DE and DS are proven donors. We have a lot to think about and more discussion to get on the same page.

Taken a turn for the worst

Unfortunately my update is depressing. I swear god is punishing us for something we've done in a previous life. Our embryo is an early blastocyst, graded a C.  We are going to wait overnight and watch the progression.  Our embryo does not meet their typical criteria for freeze. Unless the embryo arrests overnight we will freeze it anyway. That being said DH and I are talking about our next steps. We are done with my eggs and his sperm. We leaning toward a shared DE cycle using DS. I have no idea how we are going to pay for it. I like the idea of embryo adoption, but I want the best chance possible and since donated embryos come from other infertile couples it decreases the chances for success.  We are going to look into all the options.  I'm going to see what the price will be for a shared DE cycle using DS.  If it's reasonable we may go that route.  I like the idea of picking our donors.  There is so much we cannot control in this process, I want to have some control.  That is part of the reason I haven't looked more into donor embryo and a program out of the State that create their own embryos with donor eggs and sperm.  Money may dictate the route we take.  I wish there was an easy straight forward answer.

Day 3 Embryology Report-Baby's First Report Card

We have a reason to celebrate.  

One of the nurses called today to report that our embryo is right on track.  We have an amazing little 8 cell, zero fragmentation fighter!!  It is perfect! Right on track and doing well.  I’m so freaking happy.  I will take in all the small achievements I can during this painful process.

Now we wait, impatiently for the next few days.   Saturday we will learn if we have a blastocyst and make it to freeze.

I'm feeling very optimistic about things.  This is the first time, in a long time that I have felt this way. I was pleased to hear the embryology report today and hope for an equally positive report Saturday. 

Fertilization report…

1 egg retrieved, 1 egg mature and ICSI’d, 1 egg fertilized!!! 

We have an embryo!!  And now I pray that this embryo thrives, thrives and grows to blastocyst, that this embryo is of excellent quality, and frozen to wait for transfer time, to snuggle into my ute. 

I feel very calm at this point.  I have hope that we will find success.  

Cautiously Optimistic

I surprisingly would like to report we have growth!!     

My little follicle on the right ovary grew more than I expected.  It was 13 mm today.  That being said, I had to purchase more medications.  Not what I planned, but I purchased 4 more days!!  My next monitoring appointment is this Friday, Halloween 10/31/14.  

The Infertility roller-coaster is not a fun ride.  I found myself underwhelmed with excitement today.  I convinced myself that I didn't want to use my eggs anymore.  DNA is not important to me.  I want to be a Mother.  I want to make my husband a Father.  And I want to experience what it is like to be pregnant!!  I know our best chance for success is DE and DS.  I recently learned my clinic does shared DE cycles.  

Shared DE cycles offers great financial benefits.  Yes we would only get half the eggs from the donor, but no one really needs to have 20-30 embryos.  The thought of doing a shared cycle really appeals to me.  Half the cost, and since we are going to use DS there is not a lot of concern of having few viable embryos.

When discussing this with DH the other day, he was not exactly happy I was planning for this cycle to fail.  He has a point, why do I not believe that it will work?  Poor response does not equal poor egg quality.  

So as I continue with this journey, I will keep my heart protected, I will stay cautiously optimistic.  If for some reason I do not make it to retrieval I have a back-up plan.  A SOLID back-up plan.  I'm really to get off this roller-coaster.  I'm ready to move on with my life, I'm ready to make DH and I parents!

I'm Fine!

I wish I knew how to pretend to be fine.  I can't!  I know it's a cliché, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I am working on letting things go.  I have "Hope" that one day our dreams will come true. But pretending to be O.K. would be a lie to myself and everyone else.

Today, day 8 of stims, did not show much improvement from my last scan.  I cried.  I had such high hopes for this cycle, starting with a better AFC than my last cycle.  Maybe the U/S tech was wrong, maybe there were not antrial follicles on my Left Ovary. It really doesn't matter.  What matters is that I can get through the next few days without losing all hope.  That I do not let doubt overcome me.  I need to remember that being upset does not help the situation.  

One day this will all be a distant nightmare.  I will look back and I'll tell myself that every dollar, shot, bruise, heartache, and tears were all worth it!!  

HOPE... There you are my long lost friend!

This is how one who is infertile conceives a child. These medications are worth their weight in gold.  :) 

There are several reasons why this cycle will end up in retrieval. 

1. Today is the day I started stims.  And today is my late brother, Jason’s birthday.  He and I were very close.  He would be turning 37 today.  However he will forever be 19 years old.  I miss him, my family misses him, but I know he’s watching over us, helping us through life.  At least I think he is. 
2. Today was my baseline.  I know that this number isn’t great, that being said it’s the best it’s been in at least 5 years.  Drum roll please….  My Left ovary has follicles, it gets better, I have THREE!!  My right ovary, however is being a dud this cycle.  It looked pretty quiet.  But I cannot be unhappy, an AFC of 3 is really a good number for me, as I have NEVER had more than 2eggs retrieved.  I’m not going to lie I cried.  It was not a sad cry, but a HAPPY cry.  The Cry of hope.  One that I had lost a long time ago. 
3. My retrieval will be taking place around Halloween.  Why does this equal equate to a successful cycle?  As some of you may remember, had I not had a Chemical Pregnancy my last cycle, I would be delivering a baby.   This may be a coincidence, but it makes me think that our baby is out there and wants to join our lives here on earth.  This baby wants to be here as much as we want it to be here! 

 

I’m am going to consciously making an effort to remain positive this cycle.  I will laugh, DH and I will spend more quality time with each other.  Who knows maybe I’ll cook him dinner.  He’ll think it’s a holiday!! LOL.  I just want to be happy, stay happy, and remain positive that THIS IS GOING TO WORK!! 

Making a Change

What does one do when she cannot control everything? 

…She finds things she can control. 

I haven't been feeling super good about myself and decided I needed to make a change.  Yep, I cut off my hair.  There is something beautiful about getting a new hairdo.  I needed something to help my attitude. 

A hair cut is only a temporary feel good.  So I have also been working on other things to improve my attitude.  I have been taking a mindful meditation class and I work out twice a week.  Well I have made a promise to myself.  I am going to start working out every morning for 30 minutes and I am going to start mediating at least 15 minutes at night.  In addition I will be meeting up with a friend at least once a week for tea.  I will be spending more time playing with my pets.  Lastly, I will unplug for a few hours each evening and spend quality time with my husband. 

I cannot control anything with my IF, but I can control other things in my life, and I’m going to start with making myself happy.    

Rotten Egg

Update on my cycle- My cycle is officially cancelled, as my E2 level has dropped and my follicle stopped growing.  My RE has talked me into trying one last time using testosterone priming and staying on the list for embryo adoption since we are at the "top of the list."

I'm really not hopeful and I'm not sure if EA is the answer either.  I'm so over this.  I feel so alone, it is so, so hard face cancellation every.single.cycle. and every.single.appointment. It’s so hard feeling like I am one of the most infertiles of the really infertiles.  I have been passed up so many times over the years that even the other vets are lapping me. 

I'm so pissed we didn't use DS with our DE cycle. I'm pissed that we were not told that with BT the chances were not good!! FML!!  We have been out of the money to cycle for a long time now.  The cost of paying out of pocket for a total of 6 attempts at IVF/DE cycles has broken us mentally and financially!  I am officially crazy for trying TPP/EPP.  I hope I do not end up in a psych ward from a full mental break down.

Day 4, 3 things I'm Grateful For

1. I will am eternally grateful for the hide option on Facebook. Some days it’s easier if I can just “hide” things I do not want to see. Those who are infertile understand this all too well.  Another pregnancy announcement, ultrasound picture, or bump picture, or daily update on how horrible it is to be pregnant, it's comforting to hide those posts!!  I wish I had a hide button in real life. That would be awesome!!

2. Good Health! As I start am starting to work PRN on the weekends for Home Health again, it has reminded me how much I enjoy working with patients. It has also reminded me that I need to be grateful that my health, in general, is good!

3. Comedy! I love a good laugh. I need to laugh more, it’s essential for my mental health.

Day 3, 3 things I'm grateful for:

I am finding this challenge to be very difficult today.  Part of the reason for this is that I'm feeling a little discouraged today.  

I had another Follicle scan and my one follicle is progressing, 14.5 mm today.  I was not expecting a lot of follicles this cycle, as I have never had more than 2 retrieved, but in my heart I hoped that I would respond better with the low dose stim protocol. For those who are not familiar with how many eggs are retrieved via ivf, the average is about 12.  However I have seen numbers more than double that.  A point of reference was our DE cycle where 30 eggs were retrieved, and here I am in my early thirties unable to develop more than one.  I guess all I can do now is hope that the lower dose of stims will create a really good quality egg. This is my 6th cycle; I have to remain positive, because I have no other choice.  This challenge has helped me think about the things I have to be thankful for.  

Day 3 of 5.  Reasons to be Grateful!!

1. My friends I have not met in real life.  You all know who you are <3.  It's amazing how much support you all offer me. You all "know" me so well and yet most of you I have never met.  It's unfortunate that we all have something in common which has brought us together, infertility.  Thank you for the support over the last several years, I know I would have given up by now if it wasn't for all of you!!  

2. My Friends I know in real life. Many of you have known me most of my life.  Thank you for all the good times.  And for those I have known most of my life, thank you!!  I do not know how I would have survived my formative years without you!!  

3.  My bed!!  I am very tired right now and I am very excited to go to bed.  Now if I could only learn to go to bed at a decent time, maybe then I would be grateful for my alarm clock.  I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with my alarm clock until that time has come!!  

Grateful Day 2 of 5

Day 2, 3 things I'm grateful for:

This is a good time in my life for such a challenge.  I was having a difficult time and have not been feeling very positive or grateful. That being said, I have many things to be grateful for.

1. My Mom

She is always offering good advice and helping me out when I need it the most. Mom you are amazing! Thank you!

2. Family

We might be crazy, but I love our crazy lives. Who needs reality TV when my family is all the entertainment I need 

3. Having an amazing job!!!

I feel very valued where I work. I have good friends that are supportive and a good time!! A co-worker today said something that helped take my mind off of the seriousness of life, I laugh so hard I cried today. I needed a good laugh!!!

Grateful Challenge... Day 1 of 5

I was just challenged by an old friend, , to post three things I'm grateful for, for 5 days. This may be a difficult task for me.  I think most days I’m ungrateful ;-) I figure, not only should I post on facebook I should also post here.

Day 1, 3 things I'm grateful for:
1.  Science!!
If it wasn't for science DH and I would not have the opportunity or option to ever carry a baby of our own.  Yes, there are other means to become parents, and people may not understand, but it's an important to us to experience a pregnancy.  I hope we someday get to experience it!! Today I feel one step closer
to that goal.  My follicle today is 13mm.  Yes it's growing slowly, but slow and steady wins the race!!

2. Supportive husband!
No matter how crazy my ideas are he goes along with them.  When necessary he pulls me from the clouds and I love him for it!

3.  My Pets!!
Frankie and Sammie are sweet, funny, and bring so much joy to our lives!!!

Looking for Our Golden Egg

The current search for this cycle's golden egg is on!!  I have been on this search for sometime and am hoping that within these next three cycles we find a few golden eggs which will lead us to parenthood.  

I have had two follie checks and another is scheduled tomorrow.  

I am happy to announce that I’m making an EGG!!! My biggest fear, which is not responding at all, is being crushed!! I have one follicle on my right ovary that is looking promising. I have another on the left ovary--much smaller, it's looking like it will not develop into anything. But I'm feeling optimistic. I am not expecting a lot of eggs.  We are not greedy, just a few beautiful golden eggs that will developed into beautiful embryos and miracle babies!!  

Infertility PTSD?

I thought of several different titles for today’s post.  “Date with the Vag Wand”; “Baseline Check”; “Let’s get this party started.”  After some thought, IF PTSD seems most appropriate.   Is IF PTSD a diagnosis?  If it is I have diagnosed myself with it.  How many people cry at their infertility appointments?  Some, but I have to guess not many. There are women who get knocked up via IVF on their first cycle or two. When you go in for your first cycle, it’s easy to maintain mostly optimistic throughout a cycle.  Well, this girl has a hard time holding it together at all of my appointments.  Today was a perfect example.

So far I’m less than optimistic. I’m not sure how someone can be optimistic after going through as many cycles as we have. This is officially our 6^th attempt at IVF.  And this month marks our 6^th year of TTC.  The cliff notes of our cycles so far:

12/08 IUI #1-BFN

~06/09 IUI #2-BFN

06/11 IVF #1-BFN

08/11 IVF #2-Canceled

~10/11 IVF #3- retrieved a non-viable egg

4/12 IVF #4- Chemical pregnancy

Financial break 2012-2014

02/14, 04/14 DE IVF/FET—Cycle #5- Chemical pregnancy

IVF w/DS—Cycle #6—to be determined. 

I want to be optimistic, I want this to work more than anything that I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.  I think that if I make eggs we have a good shot at this working.  As DH would say “keep your eye on the prize.”  But at this point he is far less optimistic then I am.  I wish that it wasn’t so freaking hard.  We have been through so much, so much more than most people TTC. 

My appointment today went fairly well.  That is, after about 15 minutes or so and two people when they were finally able to find my shriveled ovaries. I have no cysts and my lining looks good. So I got the green light to start clomid tomorrow and follistim on 8/20.  I did not want to know my AFC, so I didn't ask, because the last thing I need today is disappointment.

Sorry to be a bummer!!  I'm not really sure what I'm doing.  I hope I'm not just making a huge financial mistake, with nothing to show for it in the end.  

I hope I can change my attitude about this new plan.  Because it’s all I have control over in this process!!  

I love acupuncture!!!

Charlotte from "Sex and the City" didn't get give acupuncture justice.  It is one of my true joys in life and I only have treatments when I am going through IF treatments.  I called my acupuncturist the other day to set up an apt. in hopes to induce AF.  I really want AF to show up before I start stims.  I think it will be a better cycle if she shows up before I start stimulants. 

There are a small number of studies that indicate those who have acupuncture during IF treatments are more likely to find success.  Has it worked for me, not yet, but it does not hurt me and I enjoy it.  I encourage anyone going through IF treatment to give it a try.  I encourage those who have chronic pain or migraine headaches to give it a try.  

Yes, I primarily go so we have a greater chance for success conceiving.  But it has helped me in so many areas.  I have gone in with migraines, shoulder pain from a snowboarding injury, and it has helped me with my asthma tremendously.  

I had a very therapeutic treatment this evening and I am scheduled to have several others over the next few weeks!!  Hooray for the few pleasures I enjoy while cycling!!!!