Infertility PTSD?

I thought of several different titles for today’s post.  “Date with the Vag Wand”; “Baseline Check”; “Let’s get this party started.”  After some thought, IF PTSD seems most appropriate.   Is IF PTSD a diagnosis?  If it is I have diagnosed myself with it.  How many people cry at their infertility appointments?  Some, but I have to guess not many. There are women who get knocked up via IVF on their first cycle or two. When you go in for your first cycle, it’s easy to maintain mostly optimistic throughout a cycle.  Well, this girl has a hard time holding it together at all of my appointments.  Today was a perfect example.

So far I’m less than optimistic. I’m not sure how someone can be optimistic after going through as many cycles as we have. This is officially our 6^th attempt at IVF.  And this month marks our 6^th year of TTC.  The cliff notes of our cycles so far:

12/08 IUI #1-BFN

~06/09 IUI #2-BFN

06/11 IVF #1-BFN

08/11 IVF #2-Canceled

~10/11 IVF #3- retrieved a non-viable egg

4/12 IVF #4- Chemical pregnancy

Financial break 2012-2014

02/14, 04/14 DE IVF/FET—Cycle #5- Chemical pregnancy

IVF w/DS—Cycle #6—to be determined. 

I want to be optimistic, I want this to work more than anything that I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.  I think that if I make eggs we have a good shot at this working.  As DH would say “keep your eye on the prize.”  But at this point he is far less optimistic then I am.  I wish that it wasn’t so freaking hard.  We have been through so much, so much more than most people TTC. 

My appointment today went fairly well.  That is, after about 15 minutes or so and two people when they were finally able to find my shriveled ovaries. I have no cysts and my lining looks good. So I got the green light to start clomid tomorrow and follistim on 8/20.  I did not want to know my AFC, so I didn't ask, because the last thing I need today is disappointment.

Sorry to be a bummer!!  I'm not really sure what I'm doing.  I hope I'm not just making a huge financial mistake, with nothing to show for it in the end.  

I hope I can change my attitude about this new plan.  Because it’s all I have control over in this process!!