A Christmas Wish…

Besides the obvious of wishing for a baby, I have a wish for those who have not personally experienced infertility.    

Why do I have a wish for those who have not been directly impacted by infertility?

A hope of infertility awareness and sympathy for those who are in the trenches or have experienced it.

I should preface this post, with the fact that the other day I met up with an old friend.  She and I were talking about trying to build our families.  She has not being trying near as long as W and I have.  I consider this lady one of my dear, dear friends.  I love her for so many reasons.  I do not want to discount other friends that and family that have been compassionate toward us throughout our journey.  However, one thing stood out this time.  She has sympathy, not pity, she does not minimize our pain, or disregard mine and W’s situation.  She told me she tries to put herself in our shoes, because she and her husband could easily be in our position.  That being said, she mentioned many times she has thought, “why does W and Mindy continue down the path of fertility treatments, why not peruse other alternative ways to parenthood?” She realizes that everyone’s path to parenthood may be different.    

I know that those who have not been personally touched by infertility will never truly understand what it’s like.  For me, this is has been hands down the most painful thing I have ever experienced.  More painful than the sudden death of my older brother when I was in High School.  This is why I have a wish.  

I ask those who have not been personally touched by infertility to think about something that you have dreamed about your entire life…  

Now imagine that one day you are told that you cannot fulfill that dream easily.  It may happen, you have a 5% chance of it happening.  So you work hard!  Really damn hard.   You may be close to fulfilling that dream and then something gets in the way and it sets you back a few months, maybe a year.  And it happens time and time again. 

This has been our infertility roller-coaster.  If it’s not a money, it’s a new diagnosis, a chemical pregnancy, and/or a failed cycle.     

I wish for sympathy.

I wish for some understanding.

Understanding that infertility is a loss.  Loss of a child that is not here yet. Loss of a dream.  The dream of having the “normal” path to parenthood.  Loss of seeing a pieces of me and my husband in our child.  The possible loss of never being able to carry a child in my womb. 

I wish for those not to question another couple’s path. As no one’s path in life is the same.

I wish for compassion.

This is my Christmas wish

Taking a Break

I looked at the male and female donor profiles for the donated embryos my clinic had tagged for us.  I have some concerns, and its something I didn't think about until I received the profiles.  My main concern is that I have had failed embryo transfers in the past, one of which we know was chromosomally normal.  I think it may take more than one transfer to find success.  In addition, more than anything we want our children to be siblings genetically and the chances of that with only 2 embryos is very slim.

DH and I have put a lot of thought into this, and I am not going to lie, I’m having a really hard time.  I feel really ungrateful and selfish that the embryos do not feel like a good match.  I have asked that they keep us on the list for donated embryos. Maybe another batch will come our way that feels like a better match.

The hubs and I had a really good conversation and decided to put our plans for cycling on hold for the next few months until we pay off some debt.  I’m thinking things will look a lot better in the next few months for us emotionally and financially.  I do not want to put things on hold, but I’m not in the right state of mind to cycle.

Maybe once I am back to my old-self we will be financially in a place to consider DE/DS again.  

Decisions, decisions...

My follow-up appointment went well. We really didn't discussed what went wrong. Frankly don’t care what went wrong, because it will not change my decision to move away from doing a cycle using our own eggs or own sperm. We discussed what our best chance of success would be. She was very clear that she is concerned for a shared DE cycle because we only get half the eggs even with the use of donor sperm that will decrease our change for success, but we would have a slightly better chance than donor embryo. She gave us a 65% chance of success for donor embryo with the embryos they have set aside for us as they were created from donor eggs, great quality, and frozen via verification. She actually thinks that traditional Donor egg cycle using donor sperm will give us the greatest changes for success, 75%. I explained that the cost for a traditional donor egg cycle using donor sperm is our biggest obstacle for this route. My RE proposed a discounted cycle for a traditional DE cycle using donor sperm since I am a returning patient. This is why I like this clinic. They are incredibly generous and want us to have the success as much as we want it for ourselves. 

DH and I discussed our options last night about our plans moving forward. He likes the idea of Donor Embryos, for a few reasons, #1 cost, #2 the embryos are already blastocysts so we do not have to worry about the possibility of poor quality embryos. I’m leaning toward DE/DS, because I cannot bear the thought of another failed cycle, and that 10% difference in success, gives me some comfort. I’m not concerned about getting poor quality embryos if both DE and DS are proven donors. We have a lot to think about and more discussion to get on the same page.

Taken a turn for the worst

Unfortunately my update is depressing. I swear god is punishing us for something we've done in a previous life. Our embryo is an early blastocyst, graded a C.  We are going to wait overnight and watch the progression.  Our embryo does not meet their typical criteria for freeze. Unless the embryo arrests overnight we will freeze it anyway. That being said DH and I are talking about our next steps. We are done with my eggs and his sperm. We leaning toward a shared DE cycle using DS. I have no idea how we are going to pay for it. I like the idea of embryo adoption, but I want the best chance possible and since donated embryos come from other infertile couples it decreases the chances for success.  We are going to look into all the options.  I'm going to see what the price will be for a shared DE cycle using DS.  If it's reasonable we may go that route.  I like the idea of picking our donors.  There is so much we cannot control in this process, I want to have some control.  That is part of the reason I haven't looked more into donor embryo and a program out of the State that create their own embryos with donor eggs and sperm.  Money may dictate the route we take.  I wish there was an easy straight forward answer.

Day 3 Embryology Report-Baby's First Report Card

We have a reason to celebrate.  

One of the nurses called today to report that our embryo is right on track.  We have an amazing little 8 cell, zero fragmentation fighter!!  It is perfect! Right on track and doing well.  I’m so freaking happy.  I will take in all the small achievements I can during this painful process.

Now we wait, impatiently for the next few days.   Saturday we will learn if we have a blastocyst and make it to freeze.

I'm feeling very optimistic about things.  This is the first time, in a long time that I have felt this way. I was pleased to hear the embryology report today and hope for an equally positive report Saturday. 

Fertilization report…

1 egg retrieved, 1 egg mature and ICSI’d, 1 egg fertilized!!! 

We have an embryo!!  And now I pray that this embryo thrives, thrives and grows to blastocyst, that this embryo is of excellent quality, and frozen to wait for transfer time, to snuggle into my ute. 

I feel very calm at this point.  I have hope that we will find success.  

"The Fire"

A lot has gone on since last Wednesday.  No I'm not pregnant.  My follicle continued to progress, I triggered with HCG just after Midnight on Sunday Morning and I went in for retrieval today.  My clinic has you pee on a stick (POAS) to test out the trigger before going in for retrieval.  Since it's rare for me to see two lines I had to take a picture of it, because who knows when I will see two lines again.    

On the way to my retrieval DH and I were listening to the radio and a song came on by my most loved Hip Hop band, The Roots!!  The song was perfect!  “The Fire.”  I have listened to this song a million times in my life, but today it was different.  DH pointed out that the song describes me, “You don't say good luck, you say don't give up, It's the fire, inside you.” It definitely set a good mood for the day.

I went in for the retrieval of my lone follie. I ordered our sperm, and it arrived Saturday.  Everything was falling into place.  The retrieval went well! They talked me into doing it without anesthesia, it wasn't bad at all.  I was still kind of out of it from the two pain pills they gave me and the Valium.  I found it no more painful than a pap smear. I received a call from my RE late this afternoon.  The egg was mature, they preformed ICSI on my egg (Injected the sperm into my egg).  They will call tomorrow with a fertilization report! We are doing embryo banking, so I have two more cycles before transfer. I have an appointment scheduled on Monday to discuss my next steps.  I feel very calm about everything that has happened over the last several days.  

I have had my ups and downs, but today I feel good.  I think DH feels good.  He has been in a very good mood today.  I know that we both still want this to work so badly, and we finally feel that we are a step closer to our goal today than we have been in a long time!! 

Cautiously Optimistic

I surprisingly would like to report we have growth!!     

My little follicle on the right ovary grew more than I expected.  It was 13 mm today.  That being said, I had to purchase more medications.  Not what I planned, but I purchased 4 more days!!  My next monitoring appointment is this Friday, Halloween 10/31/14.  

The Infertility roller-coaster is not a fun ride.  I found myself underwhelmed with excitement today.  I convinced myself that I didn't want to use my eggs anymore.  DNA is not important to me.  I want to be a Mother.  I want to make my husband a Father.  And I want to experience what it is like to be pregnant!!  I know our best chance for success is DE and DS.  I recently learned my clinic does shared DE cycles.  

Shared DE cycles offers great financial benefits.  Yes we would only get half the eggs from the donor, but no one really needs to have 20-30 embryos.  The thought of doing a shared cycle really appeals to me.  Half the cost, and since we are going to use DS there is not a lot of concern of having few viable embryos.

When discussing this with DH the other day, he was not exactly happy I was planning for this cycle to fail.  He has a point, why do I not believe that it will work?  Poor response does not equal poor egg quality.  

So as I continue with this journey, I will keep my heart protected, I will stay cautiously optimistic.  If for some reason I do not make it to retrieval I have a back-up plan.  A SOLID back-up plan.  I'm really to get off this roller-coaster.  I'm ready to move on with my life, I'm ready to make DH and I parents!

I'm Fine!

I wish I knew how to pretend to be fine.  I can't!  I know it's a cliché, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I am working on letting things go.  I have "Hope" that one day our dreams will come true. But pretending to be O.K. would be a lie to myself and everyone else.

Today, day 8 of stims, did not show much improvement from my last scan.  I cried.  I had such high hopes for this cycle, starting with a better AFC than my last cycle.  Maybe the U/S tech was wrong, maybe there were not antrial follicles on my Left Ovary. It really doesn't matter.  What matters is that I can get through the next few days without losing all hope.  That I do not let doubt overcome me.  I need to remember that being upset does not help the situation.  

One day this will all be a distant nightmare.  I will look back and I'll tell myself that every dollar, shot, bruise, heartache, and tears were all worth it!!  

Defeating Doubt

This is how I felt yesterday.  After 6 days on  Stims my ovaries have been less than cooperative.  The 3 antrial follicles that were on my left ovary do not appear that they want to grow. The weird thing is I have two follicles on the right, which are on the small side that have decided to make an appearance. 

Needless to say  was not very optimistic about this cycle.  Ready to give up.  What a difference a good nights sleep will do.  I woke up, determined to not let this get me down.  I will not let doubt get in the way of our dreams! This will work!!  I have to make it to retrieval!!

Another follicle scan is tomorrow!!  FX the O's decide to wake the eff up!!

HOPE... There you are my long lost friend!

This is how one who is infertile conceives a child. These medications are worth their weight in gold.  :) 

There are several reasons why this cycle will end up in retrieval. 

1. Today is the day I started stims.  And today is my late brother, Jason’s birthday.  He and I were very close.  He would be turning 37 today.  However he will forever be 19 years old.  I miss him, my family misses him, but I know he’s watching over us, helping us through life.  At least I think he is. 
2. Today was my baseline.  I know that this number isn’t great, that being said it’s the best it’s been in at least 5 years.  Drum roll please….  My Left ovary has follicles, it gets better, I have THREE!!  My right ovary, however is being a dud this cycle.  It looked pretty quiet.  But I cannot be unhappy, an AFC of 3 is really a good number for me, as I have NEVER had more than 2eggs retrieved.  I’m not going to lie I cried.  It was not a sad cry, but a HAPPY cry.  The Cry of hope.  One that I had lost a long time ago. 
3. My retrieval will be taking place around Halloween.  Why does this equal equate to a successful cycle?  As some of you may remember, had I not had a Chemical Pregnancy my last cycle, I would be delivering a baby.   This may be a coincidence, but it makes me think that our baby is out there and wants to join our lives here on earth.  This baby wants to be here as much as we want it to be here! 

 

I’m am going to consciously making an effort to remain positive this cycle.  I will laugh, DH and I will spend more quality time with each other.  Who knows maybe I’ll cook him dinner.  He’ll think it’s a holiday!! LOL.  I just want to be happy, stay happy, and remain positive that THIS IS GOING TO WORK!! 

October 15th Pregnancy & Infant Loss remembrance day.

 I lit my candle last night for my family and friends who have lost babies. Your losses are unimaginable!!

For those who are not familiar with the statistic for Pregnancy and Infant loss, it occurs to "One in four" couples.  

My heart hurts for my friends and family who have experienced  this type of loss.  I wish I had the right words to say or the power to help take your pain away.  Unfortunately I don't. There are no words!  I will keep you in my thoughts and I wish you peace.  I know your babies are watching over you.  (((Hugs)))

"I think I See You"

I have found comfort in music many times throughout my life.  There are many songs right now that give me comfort while ttc. The one that is providing me with the most comfort is

"Sky Full Of Stars" by Coldplay

Why is a song about love and love falling apart providing me comfort?

Infertility is love, love of a child that is not here on earth.  One that is not in our arms.  There are times I want to break up with Infertility.  I want to give up and hope that we can live a life, a happy life, without kids.  But, when I look into the stars I know that there is a baby that is waiting to become a part of our family.  For me  the lyrics hold true.

 "Cause in a sky, cause in a sky full of stars...  I think I see you" 

Making a Change

What does one do when she cannot control everything? 

…She finds things she can control. 

I haven't been feeling super good about myself and decided I needed to make a change.  Yep, I cut off my hair.  There is something beautiful about getting a new hairdo.  I needed something to help my attitude. 

A hair cut is only a temporary feel good.  So I have also been working on other things to improve my attitude.  I have been taking a mindful meditation class and I work out twice a week.  Well I have made a promise to myself.  I am going to start working out every morning for 30 minutes and I am going to start mediating at least 15 minutes at night.  In addition I will be meeting up with a friend at least once a week for tea.  I will be spending more time playing with my pets.  Lastly, I will unplug for a few hours each evening and spend quality time with my husband. 

I cannot control anything with my IF, but I can control other things in my life, and I’m going to start with making myself happy.    

"The Mindy Project"

As most of you know, we're very open about our infertility struggles.  Sometimes too much.  Yes, I know I over share.  I think know it's important for people to be aware that trying to conceive is not as easy as it may seem for a lot of couples.  My hope is that I can help others who are in the beginning stages of infertility, and help them not make the mistakes we made. I know that I have been able to direct a few of my friends in real life the steps to take and I hope to help more people. 

Our update:  Last week I received the first month of my calendar.  I've been on estrogen since last Thursday and Testosterone started Sunday. I emailed my nurse about an antibiotic clarification and she replied back "Dr. G’s notes were very clear that you would start the zpack now. I agree that it is unusual but she has set up a special Mindy special protocol." I feel pretty special that I have my own "special protocol” 

The other day I was "over sharing" to one of my co-workers about our next steps and telling her I felt honored that I have my own special protocol.  She wittingly called it "The Mindy Project."  I have never watched an episode of "The Mindy Project,” but I'm happy to steal borrow its name for for my new protocol.  

I hope that the "The Mindy Project" brings us the child we are in love with, but haven't met.  I know we have a chance of this happening if I make it to retrieval.  Now we just need divine intervention. I hope this protocol is our answer!!  

   

Rotten Egg

Update on my cycle- My cycle is officially cancelled, as my E2 level has dropped and my follicle stopped growing.  My RE has talked me into trying one last time using testosterone priming and staying on the list for embryo adoption since we are at the "top of the list."

I'm really not hopeful and I'm not sure if EA is the answer either.  I'm so over this.  I feel so alone, it is so, so hard face cancellation every.single.cycle. and every.single.appointment. It’s so hard feeling like I am one of the most infertiles of the really infertiles.  I have been passed up so many times over the years that even the other vets are lapping me. 

I'm so pissed we didn't use DS with our DE cycle. I'm pissed that we were not told that with BT the chances were not good!! FML!!  We have been out of the money to cycle for a long time now.  The cost of paying out of pocket for a total of 6 attempts at IVF/DE cycles has broken us mentally and financially!  I am officially crazy for trying TPP/EPP.  I hope I do not end up in a psych ward from a full mental break down.

Day 4, 3 things I'm Grateful For

1. I will am eternally grateful for the hide option on Facebook. Some days it’s easier if I can just “hide” things I do not want to see. Those who are infertile understand this all too well.  Another pregnancy announcement, ultrasound picture, or bump picture, or daily update on how horrible it is to be pregnant, it's comforting to hide those posts!!  I wish I had a hide button in real life. That would be awesome!!

2. Good Health! As I start am starting to work PRN on the weekends for Home Health again, it has reminded me how much I enjoy working with patients. It has also reminded me that I need to be grateful that my health, in general, is good!

3. Comedy! I love a good laugh. I need to laugh more, it’s essential for my mental health.

Day 3, 3 things I'm grateful for:

I am finding this challenge to be very difficult today.  Part of the reason for this is that I'm feeling a little discouraged today.  

I had another Follicle scan and my one follicle is progressing, 14.5 mm today.  I was not expecting a lot of follicles this cycle, as I have never had more than 2 retrieved, but in my heart I hoped that I would respond better with the low dose stim protocol. For those who are not familiar with how many eggs are retrieved via ivf, the average is about 12.  However I have seen numbers more than double that.  A point of reference was our DE cycle where 30 eggs were retrieved, and here I am in my early thirties unable to develop more than one.  I guess all I can do now is hope that the lower dose of stims will create a really good quality egg. This is my 6th cycle; I have to remain positive, because I have no other choice.  This challenge has helped me think about the things I have to be thankful for.  

Day 3 of 5.  Reasons to be Grateful!!

1. My friends I have not met in real life.  You all know who you are <3.  It's amazing how much support you all offer me. You all "know" me so well and yet most of you I have never met.  It's unfortunate that we all have something in common which has brought us together, infertility.  Thank you for the support over the last several years, I know I would have given up by now if it wasn't for all of you!!  

2. My Friends I know in real life. Many of you have known me most of my life.  Thank you for all the good times.  And for those I have known most of my life, thank you!!  I do not know how I would have survived my formative years without you!!  

3.  My bed!!  I am very tired right now and I am very excited to go to bed.  Now if I could only learn to go to bed at a decent time, maybe then I would be grateful for my alarm clock.  I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with my alarm clock until that time has come!!  

Grateful Day 2 of 5

Day 2, 3 things I'm grateful for:

This is a good time in my life for such a challenge.  I was having a difficult time and have not been feeling very positive or grateful. That being said, I have many things to be grateful for.

1. My Mom

She is always offering good advice and helping me out when I need it the most. Mom you are amazing! Thank you!

2. Family

We might be crazy, but I love our crazy lives. Who needs reality TV when my family is all the entertainment I need 

3. Having an amazing job!!!

I feel very valued where I work. I have good friends that are supportive and a good time!! A co-worker today said something that helped take my mind off of the seriousness of life, I laugh so hard I cried today. I needed a good laugh!!!

Grateful Challenge... Day 1 of 5

I was just challenged by an old friend, , to post three things I'm grateful for, for 5 days. This may be a difficult task for me.  I think most days I’m ungrateful ;-) I figure, not only should I post on facebook I should also post here.

Day 1, 3 things I'm grateful for:
1.  Science!!
If it wasn't for science DH and I would not have the opportunity or option to ever carry a baby of our own.  Yes, there are other means to become parents, and people may not understand, but it's an important to us to experience a pregnancy.  I hope we someday get to experience it!! Today I feel one step closer
to that goal.  My follicle today is 13mm.  Yes it's growing slowly, but slow and steady wins the race!!

2. Supportive husband!
No matter how crazy my ideas are he goes along with them.  When necessary he pulls me from the clouds and I love him for it!

3.  My Pets!!
Frankie and Sammie are sweet, funny, and bring so much joy to our lives!!!