Back in the Stirrups Again

Is it this a possible to be excitingly nervous?  

This is how I have felt since the middle of last month when I learned things were being pushed forward.  After an amazing extended weekend/free vacation with Whis in Las Vegas that I earned at work, we returned home Monday evening.  Tuesday morning, wearing a pair of my "lucky socks" I had a date with the vaj-cam (transvaginal ultrasound).  

My RE walked into the room and she complemented me on the socks  :)  I mentioned they were my lucky socks.  She asked if that meant I that I will not taking them off until my BFP.  Haha.  Something I never considered.  I assure everyone, I do and will continue to change the socks Every.Single.Day.  I have several pairs of lucky socks and will wear a different pair at each of my u/s appointments.  

The baseline ultrasound went well and I was given the green light to start delestrogen.  

I still cannot believe I'm cycling again.  All the consents have been signed, acupuncture scheduled, and financing has been worked out, at least for the most part.  

Monday, April 6th is a BIG DAY. 

Our Egg Donor's baseline.  

I too will go into the clinic.  I have to have my estrogen level checked.  I will give the clinic our consent forms and pay for the cycle.

I am hopefully optimistic.  At least for now.  

Fertilization report…

1 egg retrieved, 1 egg mature and ICSI’d, 1 egg fertilized!!! 

We have an embryo!!  And now I pray that this embryo thrives, thrives and grows to blastocyst, that this embryo is of excellent quality, and frozen to wait for transfer time, to snuggle into my ute. 

I feel very calm at this point.  I have hope that we will find success.  

HOPE... There you are my long lost friend!

This is how one who is infertile conceives a child. These medications are worth their weight in gold.  :) 

There are several reasons why this cycle will end up in retrieval. 

1. Today is the day I started stims.  And today is my late brother, Jason’s birthday.  He and I were very close.  He would be turning 37 today.  However he will forever be 19 years old.  I miss him, my family misses him, but I know he’s watching over us, helping us through life.  At least I think he is. 
2. Today was my baseline.  I know that this number isn’t great, that being said it’s the best it’s been in at least 5 years.  Drum roll please….  My Left ovary has follicles, it gets better, I have THREE!!  My right ovary, however is being a dud this cycle.  It looked pretty quiet.  But I cannot be unhappy, an AFC of 3 is really a good number for me, as I have NEVER had more than 2eggs retrieved.  I’m not going to lie I cried.  It was not a sad cry, but a HAPPY cry.  The Cry of hope.  One that I had lost a long time ago. 
3. My retrieval will be taking place around Halloween.  Why does this equal equate to a successful cycle?  As some of you may remember, had I not had a Chemical Pregnancy my last cycle, I would be delivering a baby.   This may be a coincidence, but it makes me think that our baby is out there and wants to join our lives here on earth.  This baby wants to be here as much as we want it to be here! 

 

I’m am going to consciously making an effort to remain positive this cycle.  I will laugh, DH and I will spend more quality time with each other.  Who knows maybe I’ll cook him dinner.  He’ll think it’s a holiday!! LOL.  I just want to be happy, stay happy, and remain positive that THIS IS GOING TO WORK!! 

Rotten Egg

Update on my cycle- My cycle is officially cancelled, as my E2 level has dropped and my follicle stopped growing.  My RE has talked me into trying one last time using testosterone priming and staying on the list for embryo adoption since we are at the "top of the list."

I'm really not hopeful and I'm not sure if EA is the answer either.  I'm so over this.  I feel so alone, it is so, so hard face cancellation every.single.cycle. and every.single.appointment. It’s so hard feeling like I am one of the most infertiles of the really infertiles.  I have been passed up so many times over the years that even the other vets are lapping me. 

I'm so pissed we didn't use DS with our DE cycle. I'm pissed that we were not told that with BT the chances were not good!! FML!!  We have been out of the money to cycle for a long time now.  The cost of paying out of pocket for a total of 6 attempts at IVF/DE cycles has broken us mentally and financially!  I am officially crazy for trying TPP/EPP.  I hope I do not end up in a psych ward from a full mental break down.

Day 3, 3 things I'm grateful for:

I am finding this challenge to be very difficult today.  Part of the reason for this is that I'm feeling a little discouraged today.  

I had another Follicle scan and my one follicle is progressing, 14.5 mm today.  I was not expecting a lot of follicles this cycle, as I have never had more than 2 retrieved, but in my heart I hoped that I would respond better with the low dose stim protocol. For those who are not familiar with how many eggs are retrieved via ivf, the average is about 12.  However I have seen numbers more than double that.  A point of reference was our DE cycle where 30 eggs were retrieved, and here I am in my early thirties unable to develop more than one.  I guess all I can do now is hope that the lower dose of stims will create a really good quality egg. This is my 6th cycle; I have to remain positive, because I have no other choice.  This challenge has helped me think about the things I have to be thankful for.  

Day 3 of 5.  Reasons to be Grateful!!

1. My friends I have not met in real life.  You all know who you are <3.  It's amazing how much support you all offer me. You all "know" me so well and yet most of you I have never met.  It's unfortunate that we all have something in common which has brought us together, infertility.  Thank you for the support over the last several years, I know I would have given up by now if it wasn't for all of you!!  

2. My Friends I know in real life. Many of you have known me most of my life.  Thank you for all the good times.  And for those I have known most of my life, thank you!!  I do not know how I would have survived my formative years without you!!  

3.  My bed!!  I am very tired right now and I am very excited to go to bed.  Now if I could only learn to go to bed at a decent time, maybe then I would be grateful for my alarm clock.  I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with my alarm clock until that time has come!!  

Obligatory Med pic :)

This is what $9k of fertility drugs look like! I took two separate pics for your viewing pleasure.

Thanks to everyone who donated meds which helped to make this possible for us :)

Meds

I just want to share this picture of my IVF medications.  This is hopefully what it will take for DH and I to have a little one(s)