I'm Fine!

I wish I knew how to pretend to be fine.  I can't!  I know it's a cliché, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I am working on letting things go.  I have "Hope" that one day our dreams will come true. But pretending to be O.K. would be a lie to myself and everyone else.

Today, day 8 of stims, did not show much improvement from my last scan.  I cried.  I had such high hopes for this cycle, starting with a better AFC than my last cycle.  Maybe the U/S tech was wrong, maybe there were not antrial follicles on my Left Ovary. It really doesn't matter.  What matters is that I can get through the next few days without losing all hope.  That I do not let doubt overcome me.  I need to remember that being upset does not help the situation.  

One day this will all be a distant nightmare.  I will look back and I'll tell myself that every dollar, shot, bruise, heartache, and tears were all worth it!!  

Defeating Doubt

This is how I felt yesterday.  After 6 days on  Stims my ovaries have been less than cooperative.  The 3 antrial follicles that were on my left ovary do not appear that they want to grow. The weird thing is I have two follicles on the right, which are on the small side that have decided to make an appearance. 

Needless to say  was not very optimistic about this cycle.  Ready to give up.  What a difference a good nights sleep will do.  I woke up, determined to not let this get me down.  I will not let doubt get in the way of our dreams! This will work!!  I have to make it to retrieval!!

Another follicle scan is tomorrow!!  FX the O's decide to wake the eff up!!

HOPE... There you are my long lost friend!

This is how one who is infertile conceives a child. These medications are worth their weight in gold.  :) 

There are several reasons why this cycle will end up in retrieval. 

1. Today is the day I started stims.  And today is my late brother, Jason’s birthday.  He and I were very close.  He would be turning 37 today.  However he will forever be 19 years old.  I miss him, my family misses him, but I know he’s watching over us, helping us through life.  At least I think he is. 
2. Today was my baseline.  I know that this number isn’t great, that being said it’s the best it’s been in at least 5 years.  Drum roll please….  My Left ovary has follicles, it gets better, I have THREE!!  My right ovary, however is being a dud this cycle.  It looked pretty quiet.  But I cannot be unhappy, an AFC of 3 is really a good number for me, as I have NEVER had more than 2eggs retrieved.  I’m not going to lie I cried.  It was not a sad cry, but a HAPPY cry.  The Cry of hope.  One that I had lost a long time ago. 
3. My retrieval will be taking place around Halloween.  Why does this equal equate to a successful cycle?  As some of you may remember, had I not had a Chemical Pregnancy my last cycle, I would be delivering a baby.   This may be a coincidence, but it makes me think that our baby is out there and wants to join our lives here on earth.  This baby wants to be here as much as we want it to be here! 

 

I’m am going to consciously making an effort to remain positive this cycle.  I will laugh, DH and I will spend more quality time with each other.  Who knows maybe I’ll cook him dinner.  He’ll think it’s a holiday!! LOL.  I just want to be happy, stay happy, and remain positive that THIS IS GOING TO WORK!! 

October 15th Pregnancy & Infant Loss remembrance day.

 I lit my candle last night for my family and friends who have lost babies. Your losses are unimaginable!!

For those who are not familiar with the statistic for Pregnancy and Infant loss, it occurs to "One in four" couples.  

My heart hurts for my friends and family who have experienced  this type of loss.  I wish I had the right words to say or the power to help take your pain away.  Unfortunately I don't. There are no words!  I will keep you in my thoughts and I wish you peace.  I know your babies are watching over you.  (((Hugs)))

"I think I See You"

I have found comfort in music many times throughout my life.  There are many songs right now that give me comfort while ttc. The one that is providing me with the most comfort is

"Sky Full Of Stars" by Coldplay

Why is a song about love and love falling apart providing me comfort?

Infertility is love, love of a child that is not here on earth.  One that is not in our arms.  There are times I want to break up with Infertility.  I want to give up and hope that we can live a life, a happy life, without kids.  But, when I look into the stars I know that there is a baby that is waiting to become a part of our family.  For me  the lyrics hold true.

 "Cause in a sky, cause in a sky full of stars...  I think I see you" 

Making a Change

What does one do when she cannot control everything? 

…She finds things she can control. 

I haven't been feeling super good about myself and decided I needed to make a change.  Yep, I cut off my hair.  There is something beautiful about getting a new hairdo.  I needed something to help my attitude. 

A hair cut is only a temporary feel good.  So I have also been working on other things to improve my attitude.  I have been taking a mindful meditation class and I work out twice a week.  Well I have made a promise to myself.  I am going to start working out every morning for 30 minutes and I am going to start mediating at least 15 minutes at night.  In addition I will be meeting up with a friend at least once a week for tea.  I will be spending more time playing with my pets.  Lastly, I will unplug for a few hours each evening and spend quality time with my husband. 

I cannot control anything with my IF, but I can control other things in my life, and I’m going to start with making myself happy.    

"The Mindy Project"

As most of you know, we're very open about our infertility struggles.  Sometimes too much.  Yes, I know I over share.  I think know it's important for people to be aware that trying to conceive is not as easy as it may seem for a lot of couples.  My hope is that I can help others who are in the beginning stages of infertility, and help them not make the mistakes we made. I know that I have been able to direct a few of my friends in real life the steps to take and I hope to help more people. 

Our update:  Last week I received the first month of my calendar.  I've been on estrogen since last Thursday and Testosterone started Sunday. I emailed my nurse about an antibiotic clarification and she replied back "Dr. G’s notes were very clear that you would start the zpack now. I agree that it is unusual but she has set up a special Mindy special protocol." I feel pretty special that I have my own "special protocol” 

The other day I was "over sharing" to one of my co-workers about our next steps and telling her I felt honored that I have my own special protocol.  She wittingly called it "The Mindy Project."  I have never watched an episode of "The Mindy Project,” but I'm happy to steal borrow its name for for my new protocol.  

I hope that the "The Mindy Project" brings us the child we are in love with, but haven't met.  I know we have a chance of this happening if I make it to retrieval.  Now we just need divine intervention. I hope this protocol is our answer!!