Always an Aunt?

I love being an Aunt.  I'm so happy for my siblings and sibling-in -laws, that they are blessed to be able to raise, beautiful, amazing, intelligent children. W is so great with our nieces and nephews.  He is an amazing uncle, he put's together their toys when given the chance, he plays with them, and he is patient with them.  I wish more than anything that I will have the chance to experience parenthood with this man.  

While on our TTC break I learned about a very unique donor.  I was immediately drawn to her profile. She has cycled a total of four times, all four cycles have resulted in pregnancies.  Her cycles yield an unbelievable number of high quality embryos (40+).  It was a plus she and I have a lot of similarities, such as ancestry, and physical attributes.  When I learned about this donor I immediately secured her for a cycle in March.  

Since March is just around the corner I sent a few emails to the donor coordinator to get an idea of the timing for the upcoming cycle.  Since I was not getting a response I called and left her a voice mail to call me back.  That evening, Thursday January 22, 2015 at 6:19 pm the phone rang. Anxiously I answered, and shortly into the call she told me the donor "got a little sick" her last cycle so she will not be donating for a while and may not donate again in the future.  I cannot believe it.  I am emotionally invested in this donor. She's perfect, I know we would have found success using her eggs.

I wish I could articulate the steps one takes emotionally to get to a point to move forward with donor eggs, the loss, the acceptance, and then finding the right match.  And now I have to start over. I have 
cried and cried about this recent set-back.  I hope to find a new donor that I feel as confident with,
as I did the last donor.

This makes me question everything.  Why can we not catch a break?  Is this a bad joke God is playing on us? Is there a God?  Are we not supposed to have children?  

Will I always be an Aunt and not a mother?

A Christmas Wish…

Besides the obvious of wishing for a baby, I have a wish for those who have not personally experienced infertility.    

Why do I have a wish for those who have not been directly impacted by infertility?

A hope of infertility awareness and sympathy for those who are in the trenches or have experienced it.

I should preface this post, with the fact that the other day I met up with an old friend.  She and I were talking about trying to build our families.  She has not being trying near as long as W and I have.  I consider this lady one of my dear, dear friends.  I love her for so many reasons.  I do not want to discount other friends that and family that have been compassionate toward us throughout our journey.  However, one thing stood out this time.  She has sympathy, not pity, she does not minimize our pain, or disregard mine and W’s situation.  She told me she tries to put herself in our shoes, because she and her husband could easily be in our position.  That being said, she mentioned many times she has thought, “why does W and Mindy continue down the path of fertility treatments, why not peruse other alternative ways to parenthood?” She realizes that everyone’s path to parenthood may be different.    

I know that those who have not been personally touched by infertility will never truly understand what it’s like.  For me, this is has been hands down the most painful thing I have ever experienced.  More painful than the sudden death of my older brother when I was in High School.  This is why I have a wish.  

I ask those who have not been personally touched by infertility to think about something that you have dreamed about your entire life…  

Now imagine that one day you are told that you cannot fulfill that dream easily.  It may happen, you have a 5% chance of it happening.  So you work hard!  Really damn hard.   You may be close to fulfilling that dream and then something gets in the way and it sets you back a few months, maybe a year.  And it happens time and time again. 

This has been our infertility roller-coaster.  If it’s not a money, it’s a new diagnosis, a chemical pregnancy, and/or a failed cycle.     

I wish for sympathy.

I wish for some understanding.

Understanding that infertility is a loss.  Loss of a child that is not here yet. Loss of a dream.  The dream of having the “normal” path to parenthood.  Loss of seeing a pieces of me and my husband in our child.  The possible loss of never being able to carry a child in my womb. 

I wish for those not to question another couple’s path. As no one’s path in life is the same.

I wish for compassion.

This is my Christmas wish

Taking a Break

I looked at the male and female donor profiles for the donated embryos my clinic had tagged for us.  I have some concerns, and its something I didn't think about until I received the profiles.  My main concern is that I have had failed embryo transfers in the past, one of which we know was chromosomally normal.  I think it may take more than one transfer to find success.  In addition, more than anything we want our children to be siblings genetically and the chances of that with only 2 embryos is very slim.

DH and I have put a lot of thought into this, and I am not going to lie, I’m having a really hard time.  I feel really ungrateful and selfish that the embryos do not feel like a good match.  I have asked that they keep us on the list for donated embryos. Maybe another batch will come our way that feels like a better match.

The hubs and I had a really good conversation and decided to put our plans for cycling on hold for the next few months until we pay off some debt.  I’m thinking things will look a lot better in the next few months for us emotionally and financially.  I do not want to put things on hold, but I’m not in the right state of mind to cycle.

Maybe once I am back to my old-self we will be financially in a place to consider DE/DS again.  

Decisions, decisions...

My follow-up appointment went well. We really didn't discussed what went wrong. Frankly don’t care what went wrong, because it will not change my decision to move away from doing a cycle using our own eggs or own sperm. We discussed what our best chance of success would be. She was very clear that she is concerned for a shared DE cycle because we only get half the eggs even with the use of donor sperm that will decrease our change for success, but we would have a slightly better chance than donor embryo. She gave us a 65% chance of success for donor embryo with the embryos they have set aside for us as they were created from donor eggs, great quality, and frozen via verification. She actually thinks that traditional Donor egg cycle using donor sperm will give us the greatest changes for success, 75%. I explained that the cost for a traditional donor egg cycle using donor sperm is our biggest obstacle for this route. My RE proposed a discounted cycle for a traditional DE cycle using donor sperm since I am a returning patient. This is why I like this clinic. They are incredibly generous and want us to have the success as much as we want it for ourselves. 

DH and I discussed our options last night about our plans moving forward. He likes the idea of Donor Embryos, for a few reasons, #1 cost, #2 the embryos are already blastocysts so we do not have to worry about the possibility of poor quality embryos. I’m leaning toward DE/DS, because I cannot bear the thought of another failed cycle, and that 10% difference in success, gives me some comfort. I’m not concerned about getting poor quality embryos if both DE and DS are proven donors. We have a lot to think about and more discussion to get on the same page.

Taken a turn for the worst

Unfortunately my update is depressing. I swear god is punishing us for something we've done in a previous life. Our embryo is an early blastocyst, graded a C.  We are going to wait overnight and watch the progression.  Our embryo does not meet their typical criteria for freeze. Unless the embryo arrests overnight we will freeze it anyway. That being said DH and I are talking about our next steps. We are done with my eggs and his sperm. We leaning toward a shared DE cycle using DS. I have no idea how we are going to pay for it. I like the idea of embryo adoption, but I want the best chance possible and since donated embryos come from other infertile couples it decreases the chances for success.  We are going to look into all the options.  I'm going to see what the price will be for a shared DE cycle using DS.  If it's reasonable we may go that route.  I like the idea of picking our donors.  There is so much we cannot control in this process, I want to have some control.  That is part of the reason I haven't looked more into donor embryo and a program out of the State that create their own embryos with donor eggs and sperm.  Money may dictate the route we take.  I wish there was an easy straight forward answer.

Day 3 Embryology Report-Baby's First Report Card

We have a reason to celebrate.  

One of the nurses called today to report that our embryo is right on track.  We have an amazing little 8 cell, zero fragmentation fighter!!  It is perfect! Right on track and doing well.  I’m so freaking happy.  I will take in all the small achievements I can during this painful process.

Now we wait, impatiently for the next few days.   Saturday we will learn if we have a blastocyst and make it to freeze.

I'm feeling very optimistic about things.  This is the first time, in a long time that I have felt this way. I was pleased to hear the embryology report today and hope for an equally positive report Saturday. 

Fertilization report…

1 egg retrieved, 1 egg mature and ICSI’d, 1 egg fertilized!!! 

We have an embryo!!  And now I pray that this embryo thrives, thrives and grows to blastocyst, that this embryo is of excellent quality, and frozen to wait for transfer time, to snuggle into my ute. 

I feel very calm at this point.  I have hope that we will find success.