Rotten Egg

Update on my cycle- My cycle is officially cancelled, as my E2 level has dropped and my follicle stopped growing.  My RE has talked me into trying one last time using testosterone priming and staying on the list for embryo adoption since we are at the "top of the list."

I'm really not hopeful and I'm not sure if EA is the answer either.  I'm so over this.  I feel so alone, it is so, so hard face cancellation every.single.cycle. and every.single.appointment. It’s so hard feeling like I am one of the most infertiles of the really infertiles.  I have been passed up so many times over the years that even the other vets are lapping me. 

I'm so pissed we didn't use DS with our DE cycle. I'm pissed that we were not told that with BT the chances were not good!! FML!!  We have been out of the money to cycle for a long time now.  The cost of paying out of pocket for a total of 6 attempts at IVF/DE cycles has broken us mentally and financially!  I am officially crazy for trying TPP/EPP.  I hope I do not end up in a psych ward from a full mental break down.

Day 4, 3 things I'm Grateful For

1. I will am eternally grateful for the hide option on Facebook. Some days it’s easier if I can just “hide” things I do not want to see. Those who are infertile understand this all too well.  Another pregnancy announcement, ultrasound picture, or bump picture, or daily update on how horrible it is to be pregnant, it's comforting to hide those posts!!  I wish I had a hide button in real life. That would be awesome!!

2. Good Health! As I start am starting to work PRN on the weekends for Home Health again, it has reminded me how much I enjoy working with patients. It has also reminded me that I need to be grateful that my health, in general, is good!

3. Comedy! I love a good laugh. I need to laugh more, it’s essential for my mental health.

Day 3, 3 things I'm grateful for:

I am finding this challenge to be very difficult today.  Part of the reason for this is that I'm feeling a little discouraged today.  

I had another Follicle scan and my one follicle is progressing, 14.5 mm today.  I was not expecting a lot of follicles this cycle, as I have never had more than 2 retrieved, but in my heart I hoped that I would respond better with the low dose stim protocol. For those who are not familiar with how many eggs are retrieved via ivf, the average is about 12.  However I have seen numbers more than double that.  A point of reference was our DE cycle where 30 eggs were retrieved, and here I am in my early thirties unable to develop more than one.  I guess all I can do now is hope that the lower dose of stims will create a really good quality egg. This is my 6th cycle; I have to remain positive, because I have no other choice.  This challenge has helped me think about the things I have to be thankful for.  

Day 3 of 5.  Reasons to be Grateful!!

1. My friends I have not met in real life.  You all know who you are <3.  It's amazing how much support you all offer me. You all "know" me so well and yet most of you I have never met.  It's unfortunate that we all have something in common which has brought us together, infertility.  Thank you for the support over the last several years, I know I would have given up by now if it wasn't for all of you!!  

2. My Friends I know in real life. Many of you have known me most of my life.  Thank you for all the good times.  And for those I have known most of my life, thank you!!  I do not know how I would have survived my formative years without you!!  

3.  My bed!!  I am very tired right now and I am very excited to go to bed.  Now if I could only learn to go to bed at a decent time, maybe then I would be grateful for my alarm clock.  I will continue to have a love/hate relationship with my alarm clock until that time has come!!  

Grateful Day 2 of 5

Day 2, 3 things I'm grateful for:

This is a good time in my life for such a challenge.  I was having a difficult time and have not been feeling very positive or grateful. That being said, I have many things to be grateful for.

1. My Mom

She is always offering good advice and helping me out when I need it the most. Mom you are amazing! Thank you!

2. Family

We might be crazy, but I love our crazy lives. Who needs reality TV when my family is all the entertainment I need 

3. Having an amazing job!!!

I feel very valued where I work. I have good friends that are supportive and a good time!! A co-worker today said something that helped take my mind off of the seriousness of life, I laugh so hard I cried today. I needed a good laugh!!!

Grateful Challenge... Day 1 of 5

I was just challenged by an old friend, , to post three things I'm grateful for, for 5 days. This may be a difficult task for me.  I think most days I’m ungrateful ;-) I figure, not only should I post on facebook I should also post here.

Day 1, 3 things I'm grateful for:
1.  Science!!
If it wasn't for science DH and I would not have the opportunity or option to ever carry a baby of our own.  Yes, there are other means to become parents, and people may not understand, but it's an important to us to experience a pregnancy.  I hope we someday get to experience it!! Today I feel one step closer
to that goal.  My follicle today is 13mm.  Yes it's growing slowly, but slow and steady wins the race!!

2. Supportive husband!
No matter how crazy my ideas are he goes along with them.  When necessary he pulls me from the clouds and I love him for it!

3.  My Pets!!
Frankie and Sammie are sweet, funny, and bring so much joy to our lives!!!

Looking for Our Golden Egg

The current search for this cycle's golden egg is on!!  I have been on this search for sometime and am hoping that within these next three cycles we find a few golden eggs which will lead us to parenthood.  

I have had two follie checks and another is scheduled tomorrow.  

I am happy to announce that I’m making an EGG!!! My biggest fear, which is not responding at all, is being crushed!! I have one follicle on my right ovary that is looking promising. I have another on the left ovary--much smaller, it's looking like it will not develop into anything. But I'm feeling optimistic. I am not expecting a lot of eggs.  We are not greedy, just a few beautiful golden eggs that will developed into beautiful embryos and miracle babies!!  

Infertility PTSD?

I thought of several different titles for today’s post.  “Date with the Vag Wand”; “Baseline Check”; “Let’s get this party started.”  After some thought, IF PTSD seems most appropriate.   Is IF PTSD a diagnosis?  If it is I have diagnosed myself with it.  How many people cry at their infertility appointments?  Some, but I have to guess not many. There are women who get knocked up via IVF on their first cycle or two. When you go in for your first cycle, it’s easy to maintain mostly optimistic throughout a cycle.  Well, this girl has a hard time holding it together at all of my appointments.  Today was a perfect example.

So far I’m less than optimistic. I’m not sure how someone can be optimistic after going through as many cycles as we have. This is officially our 6^th attempt at IVF.  And this month marks our 6^th year of TTC.  The cliff notes of our cycles so far:

12/08 IUI #1-BFN

~06/09 IUI #2-BFN

06/11 IVF #1-BFN

08/11 IVF #2-Canceled

~10/11 IVF #3- retrieved a non-viable egg

4/12 IVF #4- Chemical pregnancy

Financial break 2012-2014

02/14, 04/14 DE IVF/FET—Cycle #5- Chemical pregnancy

IVF w/DS—Cycle #6—to be determined. 

I want to be optimistic, I want this to work more than anything that I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.  I think that if I make eggs we have a good shot at this working.  As DH would say “keep your eye on the prize.”  But at this point he is far less optimistic then I am.  I wish that it wasn’t so freaking hard.  We have been through so much, so much more than most people TTC. 

My appointment today went fairly well.  That is, after about 15 minutes or so and two people when they were finally able to find my shriveled ovaries. I have no cysts and my lining looks good. So I got the green light to start clomid tomorrow and follistim on 8/20.  I did not want to know my AFC, so I didn't ask, because the last thing I need today is disappointment.

Sorry to be a bummer!!  I'm not really sure what I'm doing.  I hope I'm not just making a huge financial mistake, with nothing to show for it in the end.  

I hope I can change my attitude about this new plan.  Because it’s all I have control over in this process!!  

I love acupuncture!!!

Charlotte from "Sex and the City" didn't get give acupuncture justice.  It is one of my true joys in life and I only have treatments when I am going through IF treatments.  I called my acupuncturist the other day to set up an apt. in hopes to induce AF.  I really want AF to show up before I start stims.  I think it will be a better cycle if she shows up before I start stimulants. 

There are a small number of studies that indicate those who have acupuncture during IF treatments are more likely to find success.  Has it worked for me, not yet, but it does not hurt me and I enjoy it.  I encourage anyone going through IF treatment to give it a try.  I encourage those who have chronic pain or migraine headaches to give it a try.  

Yes, I primarily go so we have a greater chance for success conceiving.  But it has helped me in so many areas.  I have gone in with migraines, shoulder pain from a snowboarding injury, and it has helped me with my asthma tremendously.  

I had a very therapeutic treatment this evening and I am scheduled to have several others over the next few weeks!!  Hooray for the few pleasures I enjoy while cycling!!!!