Thankful

It is so difficult for me to remember the things to be thankful for at times.  I have spent the last 6 years hoping and praying for babies.  Sometimes I forget how truly amazing my life really is.  

Not long ago I asked DH to take the picture I sent him to brighten it up a little via an app he has on his phone and text it back to me. Well the above pic on the left is what he texted back.  The picture on the right was sent to me when I was working a night shift a little over a year ago of our fur babies.  

For me the two pictures above are very special.  I love our pets and I love my husband.  He is a good man and I hope that IF doesn't completely ruin our fun sides.  It takes a toll and changes a person forever.  I need to spend more time reflecting on all the things I have to be thankful.  It's not only the things these two picture represent.  

Our friends and family, especially our parents, have been very supportive of us and I hope we never lose their support!!  I cannot express how thankful I am for the online support I have of the ladies that are a part of a secret sorority that NO ONE wants to be a part of!!  Lastly, I am thankful for our cold blooded family as well.  DH has spent so much time building a sanctuary for us!!

We will continue to keep our eyes on the prize, but in the meantime I will continue to remind myself to keep my eyes open on the rest of our world.  It's not all about our infertility, even though there are days it feels like it, there is a life outside of it.

Estrogen Priming has begun!!!

My Nurse Practitioner emailed me 3 days ago letting me know she called in a RX for Estrace and to please start taking 4mg each night starting tonight. Luckily I was watching my email, as I was waiting to hear what the plan was going to be, estrogen, no estrogen and provera in a few weeks.  I'm so happy they decided on Estrogen priming!!  So it's on!!  I'm on my estrogen rampage :)  

I suppose I need to update everyone on what this plan is.  I really like our new plan and am super excited!! We are doing a 180 this time using my eggs this time and donor sperm. I have found the perfect sperm donor.  This change is because our RE feel that our problem appears to be more likely from DHs BT than my DOR.  It makes me sad that we cannot use both our DNA, but it has become about wanting to be parents and experience pregnancy, not about whose DNA was used to create the baby(ies)  

Since I respond so poorly we are doing three cycles, banking the embryos, with the third cycle we will transfer the best 1 or 2. We will be adding intralipids, neupogen wash, and heparin this time due to my two previous c/ps.

I expressed my concern of my anticipated poor response and fear of having nothing to transfer. My most recent FSH is 28, and the last time I cycled with my OE's it was 15, so it's nearly doubled and this scares me to death. Well, when I mentioned this to my NP and she had an epiphany. They recently had a couple donate two beautiful embryos. The embryos were developed from one of their in house egg donors and the couple’s sperm. She is going to check with my RE, and see if she’s OK if they save those embryos for us and transfer those if we have nothing after our third cycle.

I am in love with this new plan!!  I hope and pray that we find success with this new plan.  Since it was my birthday yesterday and all this has evolved over the last two weeks, I’m calling this my birthday present to myself.  This has to work.  I will be knocked up before we know what happened!!

So Hard!!!

I wish people understood how hard it is to continue to try, and try, and try to get pregnant, when it's all you have ever wanted in your life is to be a mom. I never, ever thought ttc would be the most challenging thing I would have to face as an adult.  For me, this is so much harder than even experiencing the sudden loss of my older brother.  This statement is not to minimize others pain of family they have lost, it is how I feel. When we lost my brother 17 years ago, it was devastating to me, my family and especially my parents!  I cannot imagine my parent’s pain when this happened.  

I cannot explain why it's harder for me.  Maybe because it's not a typical loss.  It's a loss of a lifetime dream of being a mother. The dream of experiencing pregnancy with someone I love with all my heart.  It's a loss every.single.month when I start my period.  It's a loss I experience ever mother's day and father's day.  It's a loss every time someone posts an announcement on facebook, or instagram.  It's a loss every time I go to a baby shower.  It's everywhere!! 

I hope DH and I overcome this challenge in our lives. If there is a god out there that has some sort of influence on our lives, I hope he/she is listening and helps us become parents!! I am over this emotional roller-coaster. However, I know that I will never let go of our dream of being parents.  I hope our new plan is the answer and we get pregnant!  

The Infertile and a Baby Shower

I have been to a lot of baby showers over the last 6 years. In the begging stages of TTC they gave me hope and something to look forward to.  For the last 4 years or so, they have been very hard for me to attend, but I do my best to put on my lipstick, and "fake it ‘till I make it."  Each baby shower is different, sometimes I hold it together, others I know it's obvious that I am having a hard time being there--I hate that I can't fake it that well. I know many infertiles steer clear of these events, send a gift and hope the person having the baby shower understands. For me, I go to the showers I want to be supportive to my friends and family who are now building their own.  I am truly happy for those who are able to build their family without spending thousands and thousands of dollars. However, inside, my heart is breaking, I do not understand why we were dealt these cards. I have mentioned in the past I do not believe "things happen for a reason." If I am wrong I hope I understand why we were dealt this crappy hand!! 

Today I am going to a baby shower for a good friend, one whom I have been friends since middle school.  I will go, put on my happy face and hope that if I cry I can play it off as happy tears.  I am grateful most of my friends drink, as I will be partaking in just enough alcohol that will help me feel warm and fuzzy, which will hopefully help me keep that smile on my face.

I can only keep faith that I'm in good hands at my infertility clinic.  I know I am in good hands, and I know they want us to be successful.  And one day I will be attending a baby shower for mine and Whistler's baby.