re-defining what is means to be a mom...

As some of you may know my ET went very bad.  Only one egg retrieved.  I was initially told that the egg was immature, later at my WTF appt. it was disclosed that my egg was dead :(

It has been a difficult few weeks, which is why I haven’t updated.  Throughout this process I have always considered DE from my sister.  With this last failed cycle she offered to be my donor!  Of course I have my reservations, but DH and I have been seriously considering this as an option. 

I’m truly heartbroken I have not been successful at this point with my OE’s, and would love to continue to cycle with my OE’s.  My RE is still very optimistic I will get knocked up using my eggs, it’s will be a difficult road, it may not happen with my next cycle, etc. 

I have been very tearful when thinking that I may never have a child using my OE’s that I will not be my baby’s biological mom, even if I carry the baby myself.  I am giving myself the time to re-define what it means to be a mother.  There are many definitions, I just need to open my mind and re-define it for myself!

While I would really want to give my body another shot at this, the idea of having another failed cycle scares the living crap out of me.  My chances with my sister’s eggs are so much higher.  Genetically she is very similar, and growing up everyone thought we were twins, (which I think is crazy, because I do not believe we look that alike). 

DH and I have decided to take a break.  I have one more cycle in our package and we will tentatively cycle in March, I’m just not sure if it will be mine or my sister’s egg’s, however I am leaning towards her eggs.   

My Lucky Cycle

I know this is my lucky cycle!!!  Contrary to what a psychic told me.  This is why I am going to prove her wrong.  So many other events tell me this is our lucky cycle!!!  I was not sure how I would pay for my meds and I received a huge donation of meds saving me $2,500.  I was going to pull out a new credit card to cover the cost of meds, and I was blessed to not have to do this. 

I have also been blessed with not having trouble getting my shifts covered.  I love my co-workers and it seems they want this to happen as much as DH and I want this to happen.

My first follicle check was Monday.  I have one promising follicle and a few smaller ones as well.  Tomorrow will be my second check.  Please send good vibes, pray or whatever you do.  I can't wait for everyone to meet my baby in 9 months. :)

My money tree

Between my husband having the worst teeth in the world and every time he goes to the dentist he needs a root canal or a crown, and the cost of medications for IVF I have been joking that I need a money tree to my family and friends. Now I’m feeling a little guilty. A very close friend of mine, which I think of her as a sister, gave DH and I money to help pay for our meds this cycle, as a gift!

I tried to decline, but she wouldn't have it. She said that she is financially doing very well and really wants to help us out as much as she can. I cried!!! She is such an amazing friend! I cannot express how grateful I am for this gift.

IVF 2.2 here we come!!! I feel that this is our lucky cycle. Things seem to be falling into place perfectly :)

IVF# 2 take 2

IVF #2 was officially cancelled since I did not respond to meds.  My WTF appt. was yesterday and we have decided to move onto IVF2.2!

My RE is removing both BCP's and ganilrex from my protocol in attempt of a better response. I will continue with Estrogen priming and Follistim. I will be on a lower dose of follistim since I will not have any suppressants this cycle.

It looks like I will be cycling again in Sept. I will call when AF arrives and I will receive my calendar at that time. I hope this is the magic protocol for our BFP.

Wishing upon a star

I drove to Las Vegas this time round.  The drive was an amazing 6 hrs.  I had worked my 12 hr shift, left work and drove straight to my Aunt's house.  I arrived at 1 A.M Vegas time.  I had expected the drive to be painful, but it was just the opposite.  While driving I did not have the hot sun beating down on me or my car.  

I have decided that driving under the stars is 2nd best to sleeping under the stars.  I had the beautiful night sky, stars and the moon shining through my window.  I even saw a shooting star, which of course I made a wish on!!  I am holding onto my wish, I know my wish will come true.  Even though my monitoring appt. sucked.

Monday Morning I had my first monitoring appt.  It could have not been any worse!!!  I had no measurable follicles, only some small ones. I'm so pissed!!! I have cried and cried.  I just do not know why.  Why can't it be my turn???  The Dr. has given it a few days to see if anything starts to look promising. I have another u/s tomorrow, If my follicles do not show there face at the party I will be canceled. 

I want to blame DH for telling the DR. that we were tight on money, ultimately resulting in a less aggressive protocol. I know I shouldn't blame him, because in the end the physician said he didn't feel the more aggressive protocol was helpful with ivf #1. The dr. said that he still has the opinion the more aggressive would not have made an difference.  I have questioned the change in the protocol from the start.  I was very apprehensive, so much so I emailed my RE questioning the protocol and he assured me it wouldn't make a difference.   

To me, the Registered Nurse, is looking at it more simply I suppose.  The more aggressive protocol I made 2 follicles, the less aggressive protocol I have not made any. It seems clear to me the protocol MADE A DIFFERENCE!!!

I am holding onto my wish.  I can't help but quote the lyrics to one of my favorite songs.  "Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high, and the dreams that you dreamed of, Once in a lullaby.  Oh, somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, and the dreams that you dreamed of, Dreams really do come true"

Acupuncturist vent!

I am very annoyed.  I have been searching for an acupuncturist to see while I am in Las Vegas this time round.  I found this lady who seemed to be amazing, expensive, but amazing.  I came across her online and contacted her, in addition to a few other acupuncturists.

She sent the most enthusiastic email back, describing her practice, acupuncture for 1.5 hrs on both front and back in addition to massage therapy for $100.  I thought, hmm $100 is kind of pricey, but then really started thinking about the massage alone.  If I get a hr. massage in UT it's a minimum of $90 + tip.  At that point I decided she is the one.

I emailed her back last night to see if I could set up an appt.  Well.... she is effing out of town those two weeks.  I am very disappointed, and sad.

I guess this is a sign.  I really do not have the money for $100 each session.  I will be on search again.  I hope I find someone equally amazing for less money.

My Positive thinking wall and AFC :)

Here is a pic of my positive thinking wall!  I stole a quote from fellow IF's blog, who is now pregnant and I included it on my wall.  It says:

"Transform anxiety into excitement; focus not on the fear of what lies ahead, but the possibility of what you might create!!!"

I am very happy to announce that my AFC via my baseline u/s is 5 :)
Four follicles on my right ovary and one on my left.  I am optimistic all five follicles will respond to meds.  GO Ovaries!!!