Am I that fragile?

Last night Dh and I were hanging out with friends, dinner and drinks.  I was texting one of my my bestie from HS, who lives four hrs from me, wishing her a happy birthday.  I have known for sometime she and her husband were trying to have a baby.  I asked if she had a baby on the way.  she replied "well as a matter of fact yes.  I'm having a girl in Dec.  Sorry, it's been too hard for me to tell you."   I tried to hold myself together, but I couldn't.  

She is half way through her pregnancy and she did not tell me.  I know she was trying to protect me, but I'm hurt!  On top of everything I asked when she was having a shower, She said yes, next month.  She said I could go if I want to.  I'm not sure if she was even going to invite me.  

Am I that fragile, that my BF form HS can't tell me she is pregnant?  I would find out eventually.  I'm one who would rather know if someone is pregnant.  Get over my grief and then move on.  I find it more hurtful when ppl keep secrets.  

I wish...

Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls who never wanted kids.  Only because I would not have to go through the pain of IF!  I would never wish IF on my worst enemy.

There has never been a time in my entire life where I thought that I would not be a mom.  I sit here crying while writing this blog post.  I have a huge hole in my heart.  I do not understand why I was handed this card!  What is the purpose?  Is there a purpose?  I am a good person!  I take care of others, and make sure they are alive and stay alive.  That is what I do.  I am a nurse and I take care of people who are literally dying, or those who have almost died from heart attacks.  I volunteer at a free clinic for those who do not have health insurance and cannot afford paying for healthcare services!  

I care for those more than I care for myself!  I am not asking a lot.  I want to be a mom, more than anything! I wish I understood why, why I was dealt the IF card!  

My birthday was last month.  This was the first birthday I didn't want to celebrate!!  I cried on my birthday.  I didn't want to celebrate.  I wanted to be pregnant.  My poor Dh had to watch me cry on my birthday!  Then I felt bad because I was crying and he couldn't make things better!  He said to me while I was crying, that he wished that he could be enough for me.    I feel like such a horrible person that I cannot just be happy with him.  I have always wanted to be a mom, and here I am 32 years old childless.  I have an amazing husband, but I want to be a mom and I want him to be a dad.  

I hope there is a miracle in our future.  I miss my old, happy, spunky self!  I used to be so fun and now all I do is obsess about what I can do to make it work and it is weighing on me more than ever.  I just want to be happy with the way things are.  I have a good life, an amazing husband.  I know I need to get out of this funk!!!

Four years...

Four years this month we have been ttc.  We are not any closer then we were four years ago to have a family.  I would go as far as saying I feel further away from our goal then we were four years ago.  DH not working puts a huge temporary hold on our plans to have a baby.

I feel bad because he feels responsible that we are not able to cycle right now.  I have to keep the faith he will find a good job, with great benefits, and a decent wage so we can cycle again soon.  I hate that we are going through this!

Looking at the bright side I am able to go to my BFF's wedding in the Bahama's for minimal cost next week (my bff paid for half my flight with sky miles and I will be sharing a room with three other girls).  And AF will not be hitching a ride.

I wish that DH could go too, but in reality I should be saving for another IVF and not four day trip to the Bahama's.

Making the best of our situation

I need to stop being bitter and start enjoying life.  I have decided to start using my CBFM again and to stop stressing about the fact we are not able to do IVF at this time.  I even have a few vacations planed in the next few weeks I'm very excited about!  We will be going to Flaming Gorge to go boating in two weeks, and mid Aug. I'm going to the Bahamas’s for a wedding!!!  Although both vacations will be short, it will be worth every second :)    

DH has been working hard on sprucing up his resume, and becoming a better professional candidate for the job hunt.  He has set up his Linked in profile, started searching for jobs, and his resume rocks!!!  I continue to keep my fingers crossed he will find a employer that has IF insurance coverage.  If we do not luck out in that department I hope he is able to find a job that pays equal or more than what he was making at his prior employer. 

As I mentioned before I have been using the CBFM this month, it indicated I'm ovulating today and yesterday.  Which I'm super excited about because it is day 15 and 16 of my cycle, where as before I started IVF treatments I was ovulating on day 10.  I am going to take it as a good sign that I am ovulating a nice and fat, mature egg!  I am doing my best to keep the faith that I will get knocked up like a normal person! 

32 and an empty womb

I have turned 32 today.  I am not where I thought I would be at 32.  My dream for myself was to have a baby at 28 and another at 30.  I would be done and enjoying every moment raising them.

This morning I was laying in bed, imaging what it would be like if I had kids.  It would be amazing if they jumped into my bed to wish me a happy birthday with their home made gifts.  I know this dream will come true sometime in my life.  I will NEVER give up on the idea of being a mom.  I am working on letting go of my dream of having a child that I will have a genetic link to.  I will either move forward with DE or adoption. I am giving myself time to morn the loss of a child with a genetic link while DH is working on getting a job.

I love my DH more than anything, but I am starting to get a little bitter of the fact that he is not working and it is the reason we cannot cycle right now.  I know that my eggs are not suddenly that much worse then they were yesterday because I am a day/year older.  However, I feel that it is precious time we are losing as my ovaries are aging and they do not have much time left in them.

Grasping at straws

I am feeling desperate!!!  I did not win a free IVF.  I feel our story is not sad enough to win anything :(
I have been obsessing again on how we can move forward with baby make'n.  I have been searching the Internet for the DOR's key to success.  

I have found a few things.  One seems very promising, unfortunately is not being studied in  the United States, it is called human Nuclear Transfer or Cytoplasmic Nuclear Transfer, also called three parent baby.  It "involves transferring part of one woman's egg into another's. In this case, scientists use the healthy portion of a donor egg (the cytoplasm) to supplement the defective portion of the infertile recipient's egg and to help it survive, hence making one good egg. The infertile woman's genetic legacy is preserved because the nucleus, which makes up 99 percent of the genetic material that determines physical traits in the embryo"
(Read more: here).
Although trials are not being conducted in the United States, there is a scientist, Jonathan Tilly, Ph.D., who discovered stem cells in mice that reproduce oocytes (eggs).  He believes these stems cells are present in humans.  He feels " these oocyte stem cells are the source for the woman's own germ-line mitochondria that can be used to rejuvenate her eggs", instead of using a donor's cytoplasm for optimal mitochondria. The article I read stated the company he has co-founded called Ova-Science is going to conduct a clinical trial doing the Cytoplasmic Nuclear Transfer, using the retrieved stem cells.  This clinical trial will be conducted in women from 35-42 years old, so I will not qualify.  I am highly considering emailing Dr. Tilly to see if they will be conducting clinical trials to women who have premature DOR.

I have also been cruising clinicaltrials.gov looking for studies I qualify for.  So today I have emailed two contacts for two clinical trials, one is in SF.  It is called "delayed start to ovarian stimulation".  This study hypotheses is "delayed [the] start (7 day) to ovarian stimulation with an GnRH antagonist (Ganirelix) will improve oocyte maturation and quality, and improve pregnancy outcomes.  The other trial is taking place at Cornell it is a "Low-dose Clomiphene Based Antagonist Protocol vs. High Dose Gonadotropin/Antagonist Protocol for IVF Poor Responders."    

I know I'm grasping at straws, but we do not have the money right now for further IVF's, and the protocols I    have tried have not worked.  Why can't I move onto what we know's works DE?  I want to have a Mindy/Whistler baby and while I still have eggs I want to use them.  

SIRM IVF giveaway

DH and I entered a contest to win a free IVF.  It's not exactly what we had envisioned, but with the limited time DH and I had to work on it I think it turned out okayish.  It's really hard to tell your "story" in 5 mins! I really hope that we are not boring the audience. 

I feel the one thing we have going for us is that our video is unique.  The video's I have watched we are the only couple who used an "interview" like format.  Also watching the other video's it does not seem many husbands participated in the video making process.  We wanted to keep our story only about our ttc process, and not include anything more about our lives.  It seems that many of the couples did not do that.  So I hope that doesn't hurt us in the sense of not having "sad" family stories added in the mix.  

Here it is in all its glory