Infertility on Mothers Day

Infertility is especially difficult on Mother's Day.  I cannot wait for this holiday to be over!  I wish I could run away from reality during this time of year.  Let's be honest, I wish I could run away during any holiday, first days of school, last days of school, etc.  

My heart has been aching recently, but I have not shed many tears, as I have become numb.  Infertility has ruined me.  I'm not the person I was before IF.  I used to be a fun person to be around.  I try, but I cannot let go of the fact that I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother.  There has never been a time in my life where I have thought I would be OK living child free.  

In addition to everything, it has caused us a huge amount of stress, as we have taken out a significant loan from our last cycle. We are living paycheck to paycheck, I don't know what we will do if we have to spend money on an unexpected expense. It hurts I have to pay a bill every month towards a loan payment that was supposed to help us bring home a baby. We are not any closer to being parents than we were before we did our last cycle.  

I feel like we are coming to an end of the road.  I feel like a failure!!  I am not ready for our road to end.  I want to be a mom.  DH would be an amazing father.