I wish...

Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls who never wanted kids.  Only because I would not have to go through the pain of IF!  I would never wish IF on my worst enemy.

There has never been a time in my entire life where I thought that I would not be a mom.  I sit here crying while writing this blog post.  I have a huge hole in my heart.  I do not understand why I was handed this card!  What is the purpose?  Is there a purpose?  I am a good person!  I take care of others, and make sure they are alive and stay alive.  That is what I do.  I am a nurse and I take care of people who are literally dying, or those who have almost died from heart attacks.  I volunteer at a free clinic for those who do not have health insurance and cannot afford paying for healthcare services!  

I care for those more than I care for myself!  I am not asking a lot.  I want to be a mom, more than anything! I wish I understood why, why I was dealt the IF card!  

My birthday was last month.  This was the first birthday I didn't want to celebrate!!  I cried on my birthday.  I didn't want to celebrate.  I wanted to be pregnant.  My poor Dh had to watch me cry on my birthday!  Then I felt bad because I was crying and he couldn't make things better!  He said to me while I was crying, that he wished that he could be enough for me.    I feel like such a horrible person that I cannot just be happy with him.  I have always wanted to be a mom, and here I am 32 years old childless.  I have an amazing husband, but I want to be a mom and I want him to be a dad.  

I hope there is a miracle in our future.  I miss my old, happy, spunky self!  I used to be so fun and now all I do is obsess about what I can do to make it work and it is weighing on me more than ever.  I just want to be happy with the way things are.  I have a good life, an amazing husband.  I know I need to get out of this funk!!!

Four years...

Four years this month we have been ttc.  We are not any closer then we were four years ago to have a family.  I would go as far as saying I feel further away from our goal then we were four years ago.  DH not working puts a huge temporary hold on our plans to have a baby.

I feel bad because he feels responsible that we are not able to cycle right now.  I have to keep the faith he will find a good job, with great benefits, and a decent wage so we can cycle again soon.  I hate that we are going through this!

Looking at the bright side I am able to go to my BFF's wedding in the Bahama's for minimal cost next week (my bff paid for half my flight with sky miles and I will be sharing a room with three other girls).  And AF will not be hitching a ride.

I wish that DH could go too, but in reality I should be saving for another IVF and not four day trip to the Bahama's.