My WTF.... And the one thing I know for sure!

My WTF really didn't help my find clarity of what or how I should move forward from here.  I disparately would like my own biological child.  Why can I not get over this.  The only DE option and offer I only took seriously was my sister's and when she backed out I was determined I would get pregnant with my OE's.

As time has past and three and a half IVF's later I am not pregnant.  My RE still believes that I can get ku with my OE's, but it may not be with the next IVF and maybe not the one after that.  When does one get to a point to move on?  Do I need therapy to get to this place?  I have so many wonderful people, friends and family that have offered to donate.  I do not think I could take an egg(s) from a friend, but I have amazing cousins that would be wonderful choices, all I have to do is say the word!  Even if I were to take the leap, conquer whatever fear it is from making this decision it would be at least 6 mo to a year before DH and I could even afford to cycle again.  Why is it a fear? Why do I feel that it is something I have to conquer? Why am I letting IF define me?

My RE does not feel I need anymore testing to determine if my body is rejecting the embryo.  He feels that DE will be a success for us the first time.  He spent a lot of the conversation discussing why I would be a perfect DE candidate, and in the back of my mind, I ekpt thinking that nothing is for sure, so how can you say that.

What I know for sure is Dh and are not ready to give up on being parents.  I will have more treatments, I'm just not positive if we will move forward with my egg or a donor's.

"Childless Mother"

Here is a poem for those of us who are "Childless mothers"

Childless Mother
by Louise C. Taylor
Copyright 1997

I am a childless mother.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
Where there should be squeals and laughter
There is nothing but mind-numbing silence.
And look, there, in the corner sitting idly,
Waiting, is a child's rocker, my rocker-
The rocker that I used to sit in and imagine
Rocking my baby instead of just a doll.
And I realize, that as empty as that rocker seems,
My arms feel even heavier with the emptiness.
How can emptiness feel so heavy?
That emptiness carries my broken dreams,
My disappointments, my resentment.
Flutterby kisses never shared,
Laughter never heard,
Tears never brushed away
All weigh more than a child ever will.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
I am a childless mother.

I am happy for them, I am! (Warning... another depressing post)

This last week I have had two really close, amazing friends have babies.  I am happy for them, I really am.  I just don't understand why I could not be celebrating with them.  Had IVF 2.2 I would have been due around the same time as them.

Today to make things worse, while I was at work and another close friend asked if I could talk, the second worst sentences to an IF's ears, the worst sentence follows "I'm pregnant".  I am happy for my friends!  Had IVF #3 would have worked I would be due the same month as her.  Why not me?  When will it be me?  I know I will be a mom.  I just do not understand why it has to be so hard?

what I have done, what I am willing to do to be a mom.

I have opened my mind to alternative treatments some bazaar, a few old-wives tails, etc. hoping that these would be the magical missing piece of our puzzle to help us become parents.  I had been going to acupuncture, reiki, reflexology, I have taken supplements in order improve egg quality, drank pomegranate juice, and made shakes with a pineapple core and none of these things were the missing pieces of our puzzle.  I have been open to these alternative therapies, knowing that we do not know everything, and what if, what if one of these therapies and treatments worked.  Well it didn't.  I am still willing to do anything if it would guarantee pregnancy, a Whistler and Mindy baby. 

Sometimes I think I am crazy!  I have been brainstorming ways to help us come up the money so we are able to move forward with more IF treatments/IVF's.  I have been thinking about talking to DH into selling our house, and moving into an apartment.  I know we would save so much money.  I can only imagine how much easier it would be to afford more IF treatments.  

Maybe we could do staggering 3 or 4 ivf's, freezing the one or two embryos we are able to make with each cycle and do pdg/chg to determine which embryos are genetically competent to transfer.  I even thought if we did this I could maybe, just maybe talk to my sister and have her donate her eggs with one of these staggering IVF's and freeze those embryo's, move forward  with an FET and no one would know whose eggs/embryo's were used.  I'm not sure if I could talk her, her husband or my husband into this possibly irrational idea.  

I am afraid to bring up the subject with DH at this time.  I am so scared he will not be open to my crazy ideas.  I know I am having irrational thoughts. Maybe I should see a therapist, I have been thinking about this for some time.  Even if my ideas are irrational, I think I should share them with DH.  He knows me better than anyone, and he will either help me overcome my crazy thoughts or let me know they may not be so crazy.  

The thing is, I want to be a mom.  I want to see what our babies will look like.  I want to experience pregnancy.  I know that this is selfish, there are many kids that need parents, but this is an innate feeling I have and I’m not sure if I able to overcome this feeling.  I am not closing the door on adoption; I'm just not ready to take this step, so the door is just not completely open yet.

IF awareness week

I stole a few posts from a message board and put a few of them together and I posted this on FB.  

Today is the first day of Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples....including us.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. It's the pain of the unknown. This process happens month after month, year after year. It's like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

Your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the “wrong” thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support. For helpful tips for supporting a loved one experiencing infertility, please visit:http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html 

I had no responses, except my mom's "like", which is fine.  But it makes me wonder, is the subject is too taboo and uncomfortable to discuss or is it that people just do not care?

Beta #3

My RE emailed me after Beta# 2, he stated, "The level was only 8 when I expected 14.  I am concerned that the pregnancy isn't doing well.  I think you should repeat the test on Friday." "Realistically my guess is the level will ultimately drop.  If that happens we will talk about what to do next."

As suspected beta# 3 dropped to 4.  I officially had a chemical pregnancy.  When I spoke with my RE he was pleased we made it as far as we did, and thinks we should try it again.  At the time I spoke with him, my DH was not in town.  I have spoken to DH about this, and he said we will try again, but other than that he doesn't want to discuss when or our plan.  Once DH and I talk about our plans I will set up our WTF and discuss our last cycle with our RE, see what he suggests and make an informed decision about our TTC future, such as DE, try again with my OE's, etc.

The one thing DH and I know is we are not ready to give up on being parents.  We will most likely have a long break d/t our financial situation.  We do not want to be financially irresponsible and at this point with DH's job coming to an end the first of May and the possibility I will be going back to school in the fall our future baby maybe on hold.  

I hope I am wrong!  I am keeping my fingers crossed that things will fall into place and we will be able to continue our journey soon. 

Beta 1 and 2

Monday's beta was 7; the expectation is for it to double two days later.  Beta #2 drawn today is 8, obviously it didn't double.  I am still bleeding, this morning it was bright red blood, I haven't seen any bleeding since this then.  I have not spoken with my RE; I looked up my beta since I had it drawn at my work.  I will update after talking to Dr. Fisch.

I am heartbroken.  I wish DH was in town, instead of training his replacement for his job :(