Anxiety Setting In… Reminders Everywhere That I Am Not Alone

The Ups and Downs of cycling are moment by moment.  I wish I could articulate the emotions I’m feeling.  Yesterday was amazing, so much love and support!  I logged into my Facebook page to find the above picture sent me from my beautiful sister and her family!! There are no words to express how happy this made me feel.  Overwhelming love! 

This love has bled into today.  I needed this love and support today.  Fertilization report day.  This is an overwhelming, very stressful day.  I was glued to my phone.  This was not a phone call I was willing to miss.  How many eggs were mature?  How many fertilized?  Will I be pleased?  Will I have good news to share with my husband, my family and friends? 

Today, A BIG DAY.

At 9:46 AM my phone rang.  Embryologist on the other end introduced himself and graciously told me the numbers. 

26 eggs mature

21 fertilized

We have 21 precious embryos. 

One, maybe two will one day be in our arms.  Our Babies!

And then PTSD began to set in.  Only 26 out of 44 were mature?  How can that be?  I was expecting a higher percentage of mature eggs.  The ironic thing is, when I cycled with my own eggs, my ideal number of embryos has always been 5. A very good friend reminded of me of this today.  As of this morning we have 4 times my “ideal” number.

We have 21 embies, growing and thriving.  Logically I know it’s ridiculous to be disappointed with 21.  I kept going back to our previous donor egg cycle.  We had a large number of embryos to start with and when all was said and done, we were only left with one embryo suitable for transfer.

After being talked off the ledge from my Infertility sisters, I talked with my donor coordinator and she provided me with some prospective of “normal” Donor Egg cycles.  Our last cycle was not normal.  We were dealing with an additional factor that can make or break a cycle.  Balanced Translocation.  We have removed this factor.  We do not have to worry about this time. 

Another friend was able to help me understand that what I was feeling is not completely abnormal.  She said that I have every reason to be scared after everything I've been through.  I will continue to be nervous until they put that baby/babies in my arms. She said that she was sorry that I have been robbed of the carefree "let's make a baby" that other couples get. 

She is absolutely right, and is exactly what I needed to hear.  I have so much support from my friends, family and husband. 

I know everything is going to be alright.

Even when I’m being irrational, I am not alone.

You are not alone!!