Infertility- A Mothers Perspective

Sometimes it's difficult for me to realize that I'm not the only one grieving. Over the last several years that W and I have been trying to conceive one of the people that has been most supportive is my mother.  This post is written by her. 

When your daughter has infertility

As a mother I did not understand why my daughter was having problems conceiving a baby. I would tell her to give it time, relax, it will happen for you.  Why wouldn't it?  She is my daughter and I had no problems conceiving. As time went on with no success, her and her husband sought out medical treatment and started down the road of IVF.  I had high hopes and I’d get so excited to think I was going to be a grandmother. I would talk to her as if she was pregnant. 

Then my other daughter got pregnant, the excitement I felt, I was going to be a grandma, then the guilt settled in.  I felt so guilty for being happy for one daughter when I knew my other daughter just had another failed IVF.  Again the pain, hurt, tears I felt for her.  I prayed to God and reached out to my religious friends to pray for her. Please God please give her a baby, she is so deserving, so kind to others, never judging others. She is so sweet and always willing to help others. Mindy would be such a great mother, please God give her and her husband a child. I will do anything to support them in any way I can. 

After many unsuccessful cycles I saw her tears and heartache, I felt I played a part in causing her. I just didn't understand! Why, with doctors help, why couldn't she get pregnant.  I didn't understand her diagnosis, the chances of them conceiving were really slim, but I never gave up hope! I had so many questions and so did my friends and coworkers, but after each IVF a attempt and failure the tears and heartache, I still didn't understand.  She pulled away and didn't want to talk about it with me, her mother, or anyone else for that matter. 

I have learned some understanding. With all the questions it was painful for her to explain to others why it didn't work. On top of her emotional pain, they have paid for all the treatments out of pocket.  Their treatments are not being funded by insurance and I asked myself why, after all, this is a medical problem.

I'm so angry for them. To see and feel the emotional pain and the financial burden on her and her husband!

I suggested they look into adoption, she got so angry with me and hurt again by my words.  I felt that if they wanted to be parents then they could adopt a baby. It's apparent that IVF has not been working.  What I began to understand is Mindy really wants to feel a little baby growing inside of her.  To be able to experience a pregnancy. At this point I was beginning to understand.  Her hurt and heartache must feel is like the loss of a child.  I know what it feels like to lose a child, because we lost our oldest in 1997.  The hurt, the pain, the tears and not understanding to the reasons why this was happening.  For her, it is just like the loss of a child.  Each time they have had a failed cycle it is like that for them, the loss of a baby. 

I have learned to listen and to not give my opinion on their choices.  I love her and her husband so much and I just want her and her husband to be happy. I know one day it will happen.  With their persistence they will have a family.