what I have done, what I am willing to do to be a mom.

I have opened my mind to alternative treatments some bazaar, a few old-wives tails, etc. hoping that these would be the magical missing piece of our puzzle to help us become parents.  I had been going to acupuncture, reiki, reflexology, I have taken supplements in order improve egg quality, drank pomegranate juice, and made shakes with a pineapple core and none of these things were the missing pieces of our puzzle.  I have been open to these alternative therapies, knowing that we do not know everything, and what if, what if one of these therapies and treatments worked.  Well it didn't.  I am still willing to do anything if it would guarantee pregnancy, a Whistler and Mindy baby. 

Sometimes I think I am crazy!  I have been brainstorming ways to help us come up the money so we are able to move forward with more IF treatments/IVF's.  I have been thinking about talking to DH into selling our house, and moving into an apartment.  I know we would save so much money.  I can only imagine how much easier it would be to afford more IF treatments.  

Maybe we could do staggering 3 or 4 ivf's, freezing the one or two embryos we are able to make with each cycle and do pdg/chg to determine which embryos are genetically competent to transfer.  I even thought if we did this I could maybe, just maybe talk to my sister and have her donate her eggs with one of these staggering IVF's and freeze those embryo's, move forward  with an FET and no one would know whose eggs/embryo's were used.  I'm not sure if I could talk her, her husband or my husband into this possibly irrational idea.  

I am afraid to bring up the subject with DH at this time.  I am so scared he will not be open to my crazy ideas.  I know I am having irrational thoughts. Maybe I should see a therapist, I have been thinking about this for some time.  Even if my ideas are irrational, I think I should share them with DH.  He knows me better than anyone, and he will either help me overcome my crazy thoughts or let me know they may not be so crazy.  

The thing is, I want to be a mom.  I want to see what our babies will look like.  I want to experience pregnancy.  I know that this is selfish, there are many kids that need parents, but this is an innate feeling I have and I’m not sure if I able to overcome this feeling.  I am not closing the door on adoption; I'm just not ready to take this step, so the door is just not completely open yet.

IF awareness week

I stole a few posts from a message board and put a few of them together and I posted this on FB.  

Today is the first day of Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples....including us.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. It's the pain of the unknown. This process happens month after month, year after year. It's like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

Your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the “wrong” thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support. For helpful tips for supporting a loved one experiencing infertility, please visit:http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html 

I had no responses, except my mom's "like", which is fine.  But it makes me wonder, is the subject is too taboo and uncomfortable to discuss or is it that people just do not care?

Beta #3

My RE emailed me after Beta# 2, he stated, "The level was only 8 when I expected 14.  I am concerned that the pregnancy isn't doing well.  I think you should repeat the test on Friday." "Realistically my guess is the level will ultimately drop.  If that happens we will talk about what to do next."

As suspected beta# 3 dropped to 4.  I officially had a chemical pregnancy.  When I spoke with my RE he was pleased we made it as far as we did, and thinks we should try it again.  At the time I spoke with him, my DH was not in town.  I have spoken to DH about this, and he said we will try again, but other than that he doesn't want to discuss when or our plan.  Once DH and I talk about our plans I will set up our WTF and discuss our last cycle with our RE, see what he suggests and make an informed decision about our TTC future, such as DE, try again with my OE's, etc.

The one thing DH and I know is we are not ready to give up on being parents.  We will most likely have a long break d/t our financial situation.  We do not want to be financially irresponsible and at this point with DH's job coming to an end the first of May and the possibility I will be going back to school in the fall our future baby maybe on hold.  

I hope I am wrong!  I am keeping my fingers crossed that things will fall into place and we will be able to continue our journey soon. 

Beta 1 and 2

Monday's beta was 7; the expectation is for it to double two days later.  Beta #2 drawn today is 8, obviously it didn't double.  I am still bleeding, this morning it was bright red blood, I haven't seen any bleeding since this then.  I have not spoken with my RE; I looked up my beta since I had it drawn at my work.  I will update after talking to Dr. Fisch.

I am heartbroken.  I wish DH was in town, instead of training his replacement for his job :(

Terrified!

Tomorrow is my beta.  I have continued to have spotting.  It continues to be a very small amount, but the last two days it has been a little more, sorry about the TMI.  It had been pink and now it is more of a brown, which would indicate old blood.  This may or may not be a good sign, and I'm having minor cramps, it's freaking the crap out of me.  I'm a chronic spotter prior to AF's arrival.  I really hope this is not the case.

I'm terrified my beta tomorrow will be negative.  It just cannot be negative.  This is my last cycle for many, many years.  We cannot afford anymore fertility treatments at this time, unless DH finds a job that has coverage, which is highly unlikely.  

Please, please, please let my beta be positive tomorrow, please!   

2WW hell!

It is the shortest 2WW known to man, my beta is on Monday, so I thought my 2WW this cycle would be a breeze!  Haha, I have to laugh at myself.  I have had a little spotting each day since my transfer.  Mostly pink first thing in the morning, today I hand pink spotting this morning and brown this afternoon.  The optimist in me would like to believe this is a good sign.  But the pessimist thinks it is too early.  Why, why do I do this to myself?  I think it's time for me to head back to Salt Lake, so DH can entertain me.  And I kinda miss him!

Another much needed update

I want to begin with a Pic of our beautiful 6 day expanded blast we transferred yesterday.

Update:

Needless to say I had more stress leading up to what I thought was going to be our 5dt.  I had my acupuncturist meeting me at the clinic.  DH and I are driving there about 15-20 mins away, and my RE's nurse calls to move our transfer to a day 6.  At that time my phone kept dropping the call, so DH called her back and she said that our Embryo was a compacted grade 2 embryo, and they wanted to watch it for one more day because it was a little behind.  I tried to stay calm in front of DH.  He started to Google 5 day compacted embryo's to help reduce my fears. Everything he came across was reassuring, but I continued to feel uncertain that being pushed out one more day was a sign of an imperfect embryo.  

The plan was for DH to head back home after our transfer.  Unfortunately he still had to head home, because he had scheduled dental work and he needed to have it completed, not to mention one of us needs to work while we are going through this process, since I had to call my boss to take me off the schedule for an additional two days.  Luckily our unit is slow, so it was not a big deal.  Well, I lost my sh!t when DH left, then I fell asleep for a few hours. Once I woke up I began searching the Internet regarding day 5 compacted embryo's and as DH explained, it was not a big deal, it did not mean our embryo was imperfect.  

Yesterday my Uncle was able to drive and pick me up for the transfer.  My acupuncturist was able to meet me there.  I absolutely loved meeting Dr. Sher.  He is so enthusiastic and he has such a warm personality.  He came in to perform the transfer.  He asks the embryologist to prepare my embryo for transfer and the embryologist says, "Her embryo continued to develop and is now a grade 1, expanded blast.  Dr. Sher was very pleased.  He said that he was very happy we gave it one more day.  

I have no idea how an embryo goes from a grade 1, to a grade 2 and then back to a grade 1, but I didn't ask questions.  I'm going to take that grade one.  I have to say I am pleased with the pic of my beautiful embryo.  I am praying, hoping, and wishing that my little Lucky Leo is snuggling in nice and tight for the next nine months :)    

My Beta is scheduled on 4/9, which seems a little early.  I will take the number with a grain of salt.  I will keep crossed it is positive and that the number doubles. 

Day 3 embryo report

Our embryo is a grade 1 (S.IRM's best grade), 7 cell embryo!!! 

I know that you amazing ladies have been sending your prayers and positive vibes.  Please keep them coming!  XOXO