Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Cautiously Optimistic


I surprisingly would like to report we have growth!!     

My little follicle on the right ovary grew more than I expected.  It was 13 mm today.  That being said, I had to purchase more medications.  Not what I planned, but I purchased 4 more days!!  My next monitoring appointment is this Friday, Halloween 10/31/14.  

The Infertility roller-coaster is not a fun ride.  I found myself underwhelmed with excitement today.  I convinced myself that I didn't want to use my eggs anymore.  DNA is not important to me.  I want to be a Mother.  I want to make my husband a Father.  And I want to experience what it is like to be pregnant!!  I know our best chance for success is DE and DS.  I recently learned my clinic does shared DE cycles.  

Shared DE cycles offers great financial benefits.  Yes we would only get half the eggs from the donor, but no one really needs to have 20-30 embryos.  The thought of doing a shared cycle really appeals to me.  Half the cost, and since we are going to use DS there is not a lot of concern of having few viable embryos.

When discussing this with DH the other day, he was not exactly happy I was planning for this cycle to fail.  He has a point, why do I not believe that it will work?  Poor response does not equal poor egg quality.  

So as I continue with this journey, I will keep my heart protected, I will stay cautiously optimistic.  If for some reason I do not make it to retrieval I have a back-up plan.  A SOLID back-up plan.  I'm really to get off this roller-coaster.  I'm ready to move on with my life, I'm ready to make DH and I parents!

Monday, October 27, 2014

I'm Fine!

I wish I knew how to pretend to be fine.  I can't!  I know it's a cliché, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I am working on letting things go.  I have "Hope" that one day our dreams will come true. But pretending to be O.K. would be a lie to myself and everyone else.

Today, day 8 of stims, did not show much improvement from my last scan.  I cried.  I had such high hopes for this cycle, starting with a better AFC than my last cycle.  Maybe the U/S tech was wrong, maybe there were not antrial follicles on my Left Ovary. It really doesn't matter.  What matters is that I can get through the next few days without losing all hope.  That I do not let doubt overcome me.  I need to remember that being upset does not help the situation.  


One day this will all be a distant nightmare.  I will look back and I'll tell myself that every dollar, shot, bruise, heartache, and tears were all worth it!!  

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Defeating Doubt


This is how I felt yesterday.  After 6 days on  Stims my ovaries have been less than cooperative.  The 3 antrial follicles that were on my left ovary do not appear that they want to grow. The weird thing is I have two follicles on the right, which are on the small side that have decided to make an appearance. 

Needless to say  was not very optimistic about this cycle.  Ready to give up.  What a difference a good nights sleep will do.  I woke up, determined to not let this get me down.  I will not let doubt get in the way of our dreams! This will work!!  I have to make it to retrieval!!

Another follicle scan is tomorrow!!  FX the O's decide to wake the eff up!!

Monday, October 20, 2014

HOPE... There you are my long lost friend!


This is how one who is infertile conceives a child. These medications are worth their weight in gold.  :) 

There are several reasons why this cycle will end up in retrieval. 
  1. Today is the day I started stims.  And today is my late brother, Jason’s birthday.  He and I were very close.  He would be turning 37 today.  However he will forever be 19 years old.  I miss him, my family misses him, but I know he’s watching over us, helping us through life.  At least I think he is. 
  2. Today was my baseline.  I know that this number isn’t great, that being said it’s the best it’s been in at least 5 years.  Drum roll please….  My Left ovary has follicles, it gets better, I have THREE!!  My right ovary, however is being a dud this cycle.  It looked pretty quiet.  But I cannot be unhappy, an AFC of 3 is really a good number for me, as I have NEVER had more than 2eggs retrieved.  I’m not going to lie I cried.  It was not a sad cry, but a HAPPY cry.  The Cry of hope.  One that I had lost a long time ago. 
  3. My retrieval will be taking place around Halloween.  Why does this equal equate to a successful cycle?  As some of you may remember, had I not had a Chemical Pregnancy my last cycle, I would be delivering a baby.   This may be a coincidence, but it makes me think that our baby is out there and wants to join our lives here on earth.  This baby wants to be here as much as we want it to be here! 


 
I’m am going to consciously making an effort to remain positive this cycle.  I will laugh, DH and I will spend more quality time with each other.  Who knows maybe I’ll cook him dinner.  He’ll think it’s a holiday!! LOL.  I just want to be happy, stay happy, and remain positive that THIS IS GOING TO WORK!! 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

October 15th Pregnancy & Infant Loss remembrance day.

 I lit my candle last night for my family and friends who have lost babies. Your losses are unimaginable!!

For those who are not familiar with the statistic for Pregnancy and Infant loss, it occurs to "One in four" couples.  

My heart hurts for my friends and family who have experienced  this type of loss.  I wish I had the right words to say or the power to help take your pain away.  Unfortunately I don't. There are no words!  I will keep you in my thoughts and I wish you peace.  I know your babies are watching over you.  (((Hugs)))





Sunday, October 12, 2014

"I think I See You"




I have found comfort in music many times throughout my life.  There are many songs right now that give me comfort while ttc. The one that is providing me with the most comfort is

"Sky Full Of Stars" by Coldplay

Why is a song about love and love falling apart providing me comfort?

Infertility is love, love of a child that is not here on earth.  One that is not in our arms.  There are times I want to break up with Infertility.  I want to give up and hope that we can live a life, a happy life, without kids.  But, when I look into the stars I know that there is a baby that is waiting to become a part of our family.  For me  the lyrics hold true.

 "Cause in a sky, cause in a sky full of stars...  I think I see you"